TITLE
Audience Approval, part 5
SETTING
Illybrius's room
Sun, Nov 23, 2008;
[10.00 PM]
ILLYBRIUS
I have not
meant to be cruel to either of you, but I hate how unstraightforward you both
are. You mean everything to me, next to Orion and the care and keeping of my
conduit. For me, the most important thing in the world is to be with you, but
you're always rushing off.
TOD
Sometimes that's a mood, but at least mine
makes the effort to be attentive. He simply hyperfocuses on his task list and
forgets sometimes.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh, and here's
a burning question: WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME SIX THOUSAND
YEARS AGO AND SAVED US ALL THIS MESS?!
MAHEONE
I know, and
I am not trying to be cruel to you.
EPIPHANY
[Yes, you are.]
[You want him to suffer, both to feed Corri and to
punish him for loving you more than Akuma.]
EVRYN
That... that
is seriously fucked up.
TOD
I agree. Although
I would also prefer if my partner loved my friend more than me, I cannot even
imagine placing him through this to "punish" him.
MAHEONE
You are the
love of my life.
EVRYN takes a shot
SIGYN
What a load
of shit!
TOKIOMI
Come on,
Sigyn, don't be such a cynic! I think he really means it!
EVRYN
It's sad
that I care more about the audience's antics than the ones we're meant to be
recording.
OVD
Personally I find it rather disruptive.
SIGYN
We WOULD
watch at home, but Tokiomi got us evicted—
TOKIOMI
I did not
get us evicted!
SIGYN
The landlord
found DRUGS in our apartment!
TOKIOMI
But the guy
I bought them from said it was tea!
SIGYN
Who did you
buy it from?
TOKIOMI
I don't
know, some guy on the corner. He was really nice! He gave me like ten dollars'
worth of tea for just a dime!
SIGYN
As I was
saying, Tokiomi got us evicted, and we've been living in the studio for the
past couple of weeks.
EPIPHANY
[ I could talk to some guys I know, see about
getting you a new house.]
TOKIOMI
Thanks!
Well, actually, I'm going on my third date with this really great girl—
SIGYN
She's a
Satanic werewolf, Tokiomi—
TOKIOMI
—and I think
she can find me a new place. But if it doesn't work out, I'll be sure to ask
you!
SIGYN
Yeah, I'm
just going to ask you NOW. And hope these guys you know aren't, you know,
likely to kill, maim, or "experiment" on us. But do you see what I
have to deal with? It's kinda my job to worry, because he never does. He is the
world's worst judge of character.
MAHEONE
I would do
anything for you.
EVRYN presses Bullshit Button
MAHEONE
But you must
understand, I love Akuma—
EVRYN takes a shot.
TOD
That truly
is not what you should say in such circumstances. I learned that the
difficult way.
MAHEONE
— as my own
child since I practically raised her during my time away.
TOD
Oh. That's
better, I suppose. Yes?
EVRYN
Oh, honey,
no.
MAHEONE
I only rush to keep those I love safe from
harm.
EVRYN
Not that I
approve of emotional manipulation, but with a guy as unstable as Illybrius, you're
just encouraging him to attempt suicide to get your attention.
TOD
That isn't
always manipulative. Sometimes a personage truly feels like dying without their
favourite person.
MAHEONE
Only lately,
even though more of my memory is returning, I still don't seem to be myself.
EVRYN
It couldn't
be because you're actually somebody else, could it?
SIGYN
Also, I
don't remember memory loss ever being established for Maheone.
MAHEONE
As for that
question, Illybrius, it's because I thought I was keeping you safe from myself.
ILLYBRIUS
FINE! I YOU
LOVE HER THAT MUCH, YOU CAN BOTH GO TO HELL!
EVRYN AND SIGYN
Which
circle?
EVRYN
Hey! That
was neat! Does your mum make you read pretentious epic poetry when you're in
trouble, too?
SIGYN
Actually, my
friends and I just like writing snarky comments in Commedia. We have to do it
in pencil, though, because the book's a special edition with really nice
gilt-edged pages, and we don't want to ruin it in case we mess up. A pretty
book is a pretty book, even if the author's a moron.
EVRYN
I know! He
completely ripped off Virgil's writing style! I mean, he admitted it, but
still! If you read The Aeneid, which is much better translated, by the way—
OVD
Are we really interrupting the show to have a literary
discussion?
EVRYN
Yes! Because
Fake Maheone is an arsehole, Illybrius is normally an arsehole but I want to
sympathise with him, Aksuema manages to be an attention-whoring arsehole even
when she's not actually on the set, and don't even get me started on what I
think of YOU.
OVD pounds the Gavel of Salient
Authority
No!
EVRYN
Damn it.
TOD
At this
point, I'm not quite certain who I should be siding with.
HELENA
No-one!
They're all terrible people!
ILLYBRIUS
YOU ARE EVERYTHING
TO ME, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING! OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T MEAN THE SAME TO YOU!
TOD
Never mind.
I side with Illybrius.
MAHEONE
ILLYBRIUS!
MAHEONE grabs Illybrius.
MAHEONE
DON'T YOU
UNDERSTAND?
ILLYBRIUS
NO!
MAHEONE
Never mind,
then. I see I was wrong about many things. I will be at the Temple at midday.
You can find me there every three days.
ILLYBRIUS
MAHEONE,
GODDAMNIT, STOP BEING CRYPTIC! JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU FUCKING WELL MEAN,
ALRIGHT? I LOVE YOU.
EVRYN takes a shot.
ILLYBRIUS
I WANT YOU
ALL TO MYSELF, EVEN KNOWING THAT I CAN'T TRULY OFFER THE SAME!
SIGYN
Oh, come on!
I was rooting for you! Why did you have to ruin it?!
TOD
Yes, I quite
agree. One should never demand what they're unwilling to offer.
MAHEONE
I mean what
I say. There were things I was wrong about but I still love you.
EVRYN takes a shot
MAHEONE
I would like
to be together as often as we can.
ILLYBRIUS
THINGS YOU
WERE WRONG ABOUT, LIKE WHAT? MEANING WHAT YOU SAY AND SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN ARE
NOT NECESSARILY THE SAME THING!
MAHEONE
I was wrong
in saving her for you. I was wrong in thinking I could protect you. I was wrong
in wanting to hide from what I did to you. I was wrong in allowing her to
return to this world. I was wrong for training her to take my place after I
left. There? Better now?
ILLYBRIUS
In that
sense, yes. Maheone, there is nothing that I care about as much as I care about
you. I love Orion as well—
EVRYN takes a shot
ILLYBRIUS
— but you
have always been the first in my heart. Quite honestly, if it were a choice
between talking to you or saving somebody else's life…
ILLYBRIUS shrugs.
ILLYBRIUS
Well, I
suppose that's one of the biggest differences between us. I put nothing above
you.
TOD
Yes, that
settles it. I am most certainly on Illybrius's side.
TRENT
Are you,
though?
MAHEONE
I love you.
EVRYN takes a shot.
NATHANIEL groans theatrically
MAHEONE
I will
always love you.
EVRYN takes a shot.
MAHEONE
I can never
love anyone but you.
EVRYN
That
contradicts what you said earlier.
MAHEONE
Yet if it
comes down to helping someone, yes I am willing to go help them. Even if you
don't want me to go.
EPIPHANY
[Everybody comes first except Illybrius.]
TOD
Yes,
Illybrius's point stands. Unlike Maheone, Illybrius doesn't put anyone
above Maheone, even if they "need help."
SIGYN
And y'all
wonder why he has so many goddamn ISSUES.
TRENT
Was that an intentional call-out?
EPIPHANY
[Because Corri is doing her best to exacerbate
them at every opportunity.]
SIGYN and TOD
Yes,
exactly!
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, I
was wrong to think you cared for me the way I care for you. It is not the same
at all, and I—
MAHEONE
Illybrius, I
love you.
EVRYN takes a shot
MAHEONE
I would die
for you.
NATHANIEL
Prove it.
SERENA
DO A FLIP!
ILLYBRIUS
AND I WOULD
LET THE WORLD DIE FOR YOU! I WOULD END THIS WORLD AND EVERY LIVING SOUL IN IT
IF I COULD BE WITH YOU!
TOD
Yes,
precisely!
MAHEONE
Why can't
you understand that even though I love you—
EVRYN takes a shot
MAHEONE
— I can't
stand to see others in pain?
TOD
I can't
stand to see my friends in pain, either, but that doesn't mean you must run to
them at the drop of a hat. You should ALWAYS ensure your lover's needs are met
first, ALWAYS.
TRENT
I still feel attacked, but you're probably right.
EVRYN
Maheone, you
seem to have no problem causing Illybrius pain, and we know you know exactly
what you're doing, too.
EPIPHANY
[Stop hiding behind pretty words, faker!]
FLUOU
His words
actually aren't that attractive.
TOD
No, indeed,
they are not.
SERLEINA
NEITHER IS HIS FACE!
FALCON
Hey, I
worked really hard on that sprite!
ILLYBRIUS
Others? Yet
my pain is nothing. You've caused me pain almost nonstop for six thousand
years. Yet you won't let that little girl...
MAHEONE
Illybrius, I
know your pain.
SIGYN, >=[
YOU ARE MADE
OF BULLSHIT, AND THIS IS A LOOK OF HATRED!
MAHEONE
I feel it
almost as if it were my own. I am just so afraid of being the cause of your
death.
EVRYN
STOP WITH
THE FUCKING BRIAR PATCHING. JUST FUCKING STOP IT.
DÉSMODA
No offense
to Briar.
ILLYBRIUS
You DON'T!
If you did feel my pain, you'd be FUCKING WELL DEAD TEN TIMES OVER BY NOW!
MAHEONE
Tell me to
let her die and I will. For you. A gift of my love to you.
EPIPHANY
[That's not what he wants and you know it.]
TOD
Why? It's
what I would want: My lover killing a rival to prove his devotion to me.
TRENT
Is your name "Illybrius"?
TOD
Leave me alone.
ILLYBRIUS
It's too
late for that.
MAHEONE
Tell me,
Illybrius. TELL ME!
ILLYBRIUS
I TOLD YOU
IT'S TOO LATE! ALL THOSE TIMES YOU COULD HAVE BEEN WITH ME BUT CHOSE TO SAVE
HER INSTEAD...IT'S BEEN TOO LATE SINCE THE FIRST TIME!
MAHEONE
I'M HERE
NOW! I'M LETTING HER DIE FOR YOU! HER DEATH IS OUR BOND! Say you love me. Say
you want me. We'll start over.
EPIPHANY
[What the actual fuck, man. What the actual fuck.]
TOD
No, that was
quite romantic!
EVRYN
Excuse me? That
is possibly the most fucked-up thing anyone has ever said on this show. It's
especially jarring because Canon!Maheone is a GOOD person and not a total
arsewad.
ILLYBRIUS
WHY DON'T
YOU GO AND SAVE HER LIKE YOU ALWAYS HAVE?
MAHEONE
No. Her
death is my wedding gift to you. Accept it.
TOD
Accept it!
What are you doing?
EPIPHANY
[Corri.]
[Stahp.]
EVRYN
Don't tell
her to stop; it'll just make her do it more.
EPIPHANY
[. . .]
[Corri.]
[ I 100% consent to this plot. Keep going.]
CORRI, offstage
I CAN'T HEAR
YOUUUUUUUUU LALALALALALALA
EVRYN
Can you at
least hear her background music?
CORRI
NOPE, NO
WAY, NUH-UH, CAN'T HEAR IT, DOESN'T BURN!
EPIPHANY
[What if I turn the volume up?]
OVD
Sally the Editing Lady has hyperacusis.
EPIPHANY
[Godsdammit.]
CIN
You two
idiots. I can't let you do this. Corri would never forgive either of you.
TOD
I. Hate you.
And I don't say that lightly.
EVRYN
Wait, us?
CIN
No,
Illybrius and Maheone. She might try to come after you, Maheone, which would
end up with her getting hurt. If that happened, Bastion would be after you too
once he found out. That would end up with HIM getting hurt.
NATHANIEL
Did I miss
the part where we're supposed to care about him?
CIN
It's too messy.
MAHEONE
It would be
more presents for Illybrius then.
TOD
He has a
point.
EPIPHANY
[When exactly did Illybrius ever ask you to kill
people— or, for that matter, Corri characters— for him?]
FLUOU Grammar-Hammers Maheone
TOD
He should
have.
FREDDIE
That's not
the point and you know it.
DÉSMODA
Bastion is
Cinnamon's fiancé, off and on. She wouldn't be happy, and though she's not
stupid enough to go after you, she'd probably take it out on Illybrius. It's
more likely to hurt Illybrius than to help him. Tell me what's wrong with the
little girl and I'll save her myself.
MAHEONE
Nothing is
wrong with her anymore.
EVRYN
You mean she's
dead? WOO-HOO!
SIGYN
But doesn't
she always come back, like a mangy little drama-causing mutt?
STRAWBERRY
Dude!
SIGYN
Sorry. I'm
not really a dog person.
TOKIOMI
That would
explain why you don't like Serleina.
SIGYN
I don't like
Serleina because she's a deranged evil person, not because she's a werewolf.
TOKIOMI
But you don't
know her like I do! She's really nice once you get to know her!
SIGYN
I saw her
eat a hitchhiker!
SERLEINA
OH, COME ON, YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS IT WASN'T YOU!
SIGYN
Ew. Do not
want.
SERLEINA
Well, you're jealous of SOMETHING, anyway. Maybe it's
because I'm actually friends with AVERNA? Or because I'M the one dating
Tokiomi? Orrrr could it be because Drepanon is—
CORRI
DU DU DU,
DO-DO-DO DUH-DO DUH-DO-DO DUDUDU (DO DA DOOT, DO DA DOOT)
(Doki Doki music)
*Screen goes all staticky*
EPIPHANY
[ It scares me when you do that.]
CORRI
When WHO
does WHAT? I have NO IDEA what you could POSSIBLY MEAN.
EPIPHANY
[The
thing with the music and the static.]
SIGYN
Epiphany,
what are you even talking about? Have you been in the cooler water? It's LSD
today.
EPIPHANY
[That wouldn't even work on me.]
SIGYN
I mean, I
remember you saying drugs don't affect your brain because 4D something, but
like, that's the only explanation?
TOD
Wait, may I
have some? Please?
MARIE
Don't worry
about it, Epiphany. Just try not to think about it.
ROSEMARY
I think
Corri is broken and we need to take her to a repair shop.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone…
MAHEONE
She locking
down her bonds one by one.
FLUOU Grammar-Hammers Maheone
MAHEONE
Cutting off
her supply of power from myself and Illybrius. She has about six months at
most.
EPIPHANY
[So now apparently Akuma is killing herself. Did
Faker Maheone make her do it?]
EVRYN
I... don't
know.
DÉSMODA
In that
case, we have six months to either do something or cool our heels until hers
are cooled permanently.
EPIPHANY
[ I would vote for Option B, but I know Corri won't
allow it to happen.]
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone?
MAHEONE
She will
find someone by then to care for her child. Why am I crying?
ILLYBRIUS, bloody eyes
I was too.
MAHEONE
I shouldn't cry over her. My life belongs to
you, Lee. She should mean nothing.
TOD
Thank you. He's finally coming around.
EPIPHANY
[Faker Maheone, you inconsistent little shit.]
TOD
Oh. Or that.
TRENT
I can't tell
if you're being inconsistent! What if it was Strawberry?
REIYA
Corri, I am
unimpressed by your Sueage.
ILLYBRIUS clings to Maheone
MAHEONE
Yet all I
see is her calling me to help her. I don't see the woman but the child I
raised.
EPIPHANY
[
It's like "Maheone" completely forgot his character motivations while
Commentary and Audience were arguing!]
FREDDIE
No, that
would actually be fun.
ILLYBRIUS
THERE'S SUCH
A THING AS TOO MUCH FUCKING INFORMATION!
SAYIDA
What do you
mean? No, there isn't!
TOD
OH HELL NO !
TOD begins chasing Sayida with a hatchet
SERENA and SEBASTIAN with pom-poms cheering him on
ILLYBRIUS breathes heavily and clings harder to Maheone
FREDDIE
Don't you
think you're all overreacting a little?
MAHEONE
I'll be at
the Temple tomorrow. We can meet there at midday. Please be there?
ILLYBRIUS
WHAT'S THE
POINT? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE ME AGAIN AS YOU'VE BEEN FOR THE PAST FIVE
MINUTES!
EPIPHANY
[. . . I agree with Berserker.]
EVRYN
Never
thought I'd see that from you, Epi!
EPIPHANY
[Neither did I.]
MAHEONE
I want us to
wed tonight.
EVRYN, sarcastically
Why? Are you
pregnant?
TOD stops, distracted
A tactical
wedding? Well, I don’t entirely disapprove.
ILLYBRIUS
AND I WANT
TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU TONIGHT!
MAHEONE
Come see me
then. I'm heading back to Bliu.
ILLYBRIUS
NO! NO! I
WANT YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOU NOW! WHY!
MAHEONE
And I you.
NATHANIEL
No, if you
wanted to, you would. That's a real thing.
MAHEONE
I love you.
EVRYN takes a shot
ILLYBRIUS
NONONONONONONONO!!!
TOMORROW'S ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHY WON'T YOU JUST HOLD ME AND KISS ME? WHY...CAN'T
WE JUST...Can't I just lay with you?
EPIPHANY
[Everything must be done on Corri's schedule or
not at all.]
MAHEONE grabs Illybrius and kisses him.
MAHEONE
Lee, please,
I love you.
EVRYN takes a shot
MAHEONE
Don't hurt
yourself over me.
ILLYBRIUS, suddenly bleeding
It's too.
FUCKING. LATE!
MAHEONE licks up the blood
SERLEINA
ENJOY YOUR DPV!
EVRYN
Illybrius
has DPV?
SERLEINA
No, I'm just hazing,
but honestly, what the fuck does he expect will happen from licking up the
blood of someone he hasn't seen in literally thousands of years? It's not like
Illybrius keeps himself safe and healthy.
TOKIOMI
What's DPV?
DREPANON
None of your
fucking business, is what.
EPIPHANY, smirking
[Demon Papilloma Virus.]
[Which I wouldn't be surprised if he caught from
Onion.]
TOKIOMI
Ew.
SIGYN
You're
probably immune.
TOKIOMI
How would
you know THAT?
SIGYN
I mean,
you're a siren? A siren not being a demon? So... yeah.
AKUMA
I wouldn't
put all my eggs in that logic-basket. Angels can catch it too.
EVRYN
Wait a sec.
How the fuck are you here?
AKUMA
My legs
work? I don't know?
EVRYN
No, I mean,
aren't you offing yourself?
AKUMA
Not at the
moment? Why?
EVRYN
But Maheone
said—
AKUMA
ANYWAY,
someone I know from Enjel has it. AND THE PLOT THICKENS!
OVD
It's ten-thirty and I want to go HOME! Wrap this up! NOW!
AKUMA
Sorry, boss.
[exit AKUMA]
EVRYN, sotto voce
An angel
from Enjel.
MAHEONE and ILLYBRIUS kiss, twice, aggressively.
MAHEONE moans.
ILLYBRIUS blinks.
ILLYBRIUS
Shit.
Fucking ten fucking thirty.
MAHEONE kisses Illybrius.
ILLYBRIUS
I'll be there tomorrow if I can. IF I can. I
don't know.
MAHEONE
You better
be. I love you.
EVRYN takes a shot.
EPIPHANY
[. . . The tone whiplash is strong in this one.]
EVRYN
Yes, I'm
starting to get a headache, and it's not from all the whiskey.
MAHEONE kisses Illybrius.
EPIPHANY
[Wanna hit the Punctuation Shaker on the way
home?]
EVRYN
Sure.
SIGYN
Can we come
too?
EVRYN
Erm... you'd
better leave Tokiomi here, actually. Didn't he say he had a date?
SIGYN
With a
Satanic werewolf, yes.
SERLEINA
I'M STILL IN THE ROOM, YOU KNOW.
EVRYN
Well,
Serleina might make better company than some of the other regulars.
EPIPHANY
[Good. I'm not babysitting a Terra.]
SIGYN
And I could
use a night off from that, too. Let's go!
AKUMA, offstage
Hey, guys,
wait for me!
NATHANIEL
No, you
smell funny.
