Note: This script may require editing to stay consistent with
previous scripts.
TITLE
Audience Approval, part 4
SETTING
Illybrius's room
Sun, Nov 23, 2008;
[9.00]
ORION
Sorry.
ILLYBRIUS
Don't be. It's
not your fault.
SIGYN
Yeah, it's
your parents who owe Illybrius an apology.
SERLEINA
TEXT MESSAGE! Marta says she's very, very sorry and that
if, um, Mr. Marta's Husband had just handed over the coat hanger LIKE SHE
WANTED—
DREPANON
Abortion
jokes are in extremely bad taste.
TOD
It is indeed
a bold assumption that she is joking.
SERLEINA
Drepanon, don't you crawl back to Hell where you came
from?
DREPANON
Can I take
the soapbox?
SERLEINA
Wait, aren't you Satan? You can take whatever you want
back to your domain, can't you?
DREPANON
Speaking of
domains, I'd better get back to Facebook. I'm having passive-aggressive callout
withdrawals.
EPIPHANY
[Aggressive-aggressively, what show do you think
you're on? Haven't you been paying attention to CorriCanon?]
DREPANON
I try not to
pay too much attention when women try to make themselves relevant. That's a
man's job.
LENA just punches Drepanon in the nuts.
LENA
And that is
the best part of MY job. READY YOUR FLOATIES, EVERYONE.
SIGYN
Wait, what?
LENA
Aren't you
going to have Cinnamon flood the place?
SIGYN
Um, no?
DREPANON
Great, the
one day I decide not to wear armor, a heavy frock coat, or twenty tons of
leather.
SIGYN
Your
wardrobe, your problem. You fully and completely deserved that and it's
honestly been a long time coming.
EPIPHANY
[May I finish making fun of Bread for thinking
that this show handles the topic of abortion with any semblance of delicacy?]
SERLEINA
Oi, speaking of delicacies, I'm thinking next time
there's a miscarriage in the script, we should bring Seira and—
EVRYN
Serleina,
why.
SERLEINA
SERLEINA BECAUSE! I mean, according to P...that manga
Teams Falcon and Wales like, that's a totetsu's favorite food!
FREDDIE
So, let me
get this straight. We have a Sera, a Serleina, and a Seira?
SIGYN
Yeah,
actually, Seira used to be pronounced differently, but we changed it to avoid
triggering Tod.
LENA
To answer
your question, Epiphany, YES.
EPIPHANY, =D
[HA HA, YOU WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION]
[STUPID-FACE DUMB-DUMB]
[NEENER NEENER NEENER]
[YOU SMELL BAD!]
DREPANON
Hey, that's
the Pyric pheromones! I have no control over that!
TOKIOMI
THAT
explains why my niece is so attracted to you! It's the Magical Date Rape
Pheromones!
SERLEINA
Speaking of topics this show doesn't handle delicately—
DREPANON
You think I
could earn money opening up a cologne line?
ORION
Please
don't.
EPIPHANY
[You still smell like fecal matter, Mr. Poopy Bread Stupidface]
DREPANON
T-that's the
monkshood poisoning!
EPIPHANY
[ It is.]
[Ha.]
[You were dumb enough to let yourself get poisoned by monkshood
from the water cooler]
SERLEINA
YEAH, MR. STUPID BREAD POOPYFACE! HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
DREPANON
Kind of
shitty.
MARIE
Also banned
from the Pun Shame Corner, because I don't like you!
TOKIOMI
Hmm. It
would seem to me, Drepanon, that you're in no fit position to be turning down
anyone's love declaration, but that also may be the second-most myopic writer's
hand up my ass.
SIGYN
Yes but at
least we admit to it.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't want
you to slip into an overfeed coma, and I certainly don't want you to pass out,
but now I...
ORION
Tell me.
ILLYBRIUS
I was calmer
when we were fucking. Now I want to end the world. I'm so upset now that I'm
not even in the mood.
TOD
That is also a mood.
ORION
Pet…
EPIPHANY zaps Orion
ORION pulls Illybrius to him and cuddles.
ILLYBRIUS tries to relax.
ORION rubs Illybrius's neck and shoulders, giving him little
kisses.
ILLYRIUS stiffens (and not in the sexy way)
ORION stills
ORION
Sorry.
ORION rests his head on Illybrius's shoulder.
ORION
I only want
to help you... I just don't know how...
EPIPHANY
[ It's almost like sex and rape are the only two things on your
list of how to "solve" problems.]
TOKIOMI
Speaking of
Solving Problems, Epiphany, do you think you could—
OVD
NO.
TOKIOMI
But—
OVD
He'll be
part of the main cast in a month, so NO, you CLOUD-N'T.
TOKIOMI
Aww.
SIGYN
Tokiomi,
just what exactly were you going to ask?
TOKIOMI
... I can't
tell you.
SIGYN
Why not?
TOKIOMI
Plausible
deniability. Also we're not supposed to mention Uvall before—
OVD
TOKIOMI.
CIN
I don't
think he was out of line. I don't want us to get sued for real life people
getting BUTTHURT about things that don't CONCERN THEM.
OVD
...
You're all on my list.
CIN
NO. EW.
OVD
NOT THAT
KIND OF LIST!
MARIE
This was not
the revision I had in mind when I pointed that out.
SIGYN, roller-blading from onto a rail to off of it
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~
OVD
I don't
see what the big deal is, in the meta-sense. We threaten to off cast members
all the time. Well, YOU assholes do, and then I get stuck telling you no.
CORRI
Yeah, but
some of them have higher capacities for BUTTHURT than the others.
SIGYN
Um, if I was
going to get in legal trouble for ANYTHING, it wouldn't be that. TRUST me.
CORRI
What do you
mean?
SIGYN
... One of
my line-writers is 35. I, the character, am 17, as is one of my co-stars and
HIS line-writer.
CORRI
I don't see
a problem with that, I mean, I'm 21 and Cin is—
OVD
LUCKILY
for the both of you, the statute of limitations will have expired by the time
this episode airs, because the prod team takes FOREVER to do anything.
ILLYBRIUS
Sorry. I
hadn't meant for you to stop, Orion.
ILLYBRIUS snuggles up to Orion.
ORION holds Illybrius a bit tighter.
ILLYBRIUS
Ori...
[enter BLAKE and MAHEONE]
ORION
Blake just
showed up with your Maheone. He wants to talk to you Pet.
EPIPHANY zaps Orion
FLUOU Grammar-Hammers Orion
ILLYBRIUS
Alright.
MAHEONE
Illybrius,
are you okay?
ILLYBRIUS
No. I nearly
set my room on fire.
CIN
🎵 And I set fire to my room
Watched my
roommates' certain doom
And it
burned while I laughed
Cause the
bitch was so daft—🎵
SERLEINA
ARF!
ILLYBRIUS
*I* said "nearly".
MAHEONE
I guess we
are all having a bad day then. I... did something unforgivable.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: If you won't give Corri more wankfodder, be
distressed!]
ILLYBRIUS
You oughtn't
be so hard on yourself. You know I'd forgive you. Hell, I've done much worse
than you have. What did you do?
MAHEONE
Bliu's
emotions seem to affect my own. If I had realized... But then I earned my name
of fool haven't I?
FLUOU Grammar-Hammers Maheone
ILLYBRIUS
*laughs*
Your name's meaning is Larlia's fault, as you know. What do you mean about Bliu's
emotions affecting your own?
MAHEONE
He has been...
touchy all day. Angry. When he finally gave into his anger I did as well.
SERLEINA
HEY MAHEONE, AND BLIU IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, EAT A SNICKERS BAR! YOU'RE
PROBABLY JUST HANGRY!
SIGYN
I was just
going to say, maybe if he "touchy's" himself, he'll be less angry.
SERLEINA
YEAH, YOU WOULD SAY THAT! Pervert.
MAHEONE
I should
have been more careful. She'll never forgive me now.
EPIPHANY, e_e
[Oh no. Whatever did he do.]
SERLEINA
FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. BUT THEY REALLY SHOULD EAT A
SNICKERS BAR.
EVRYN
How are they
even meant to do that when you, Drepanon, and Seira take turns cleaning out the
snack bar every chance you get?
SERLEINA
Surprise me!
TOD
A Snickers
bar is hardly substantial, nor of any particular nutritional value. Perhaps a
nice goat's stomach, instead?
FREDDIE
You're the
reason I'm a vegetarian.
TOD
An honour,
I'm sure.
CIN, holding a phone
I'm just
gonna...
ILLYBRIUS
NO,
CINNAMON! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TRY TO CALL HIM! I apologise. She wanted to see
what would happen if she did.
EVRYN
It would be
a bad idea, since Bliu has made it clear that he doesn't want to hear from her,
but I agree with wanting to verify this story.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, I
adore you and I would never wish to hurt you. However, my patience is already
worn thin. I need details and clarity right now.
EPIPHANY
[Asking for clarity and details from Corri is asking for
disappointment.]
[Unless she's talking about a violent rape scene. Then you don't
even need to ask, because she'll tell you whether you want to hear it or not.]
EVRYN
Generally,
violent rape is also disappointing, or so I've heard.
TOD
By
definition, there's no way to do that nonviolently.
MAHEONE
My gift came
to see me today.
EVRYN grabs the Encyclopedia of Fuck You and smacks Maheone with
it
EVRYN
Since we don't
have a zapper for "gift".
EPIPHANY
[You do realise that I have a zap gun now?]
MAHEONE
We talked
and I told her I have her family's focus gems.
EPIPHANY
[ I forgot to do this earlier, but]
EPIPHANY zap-guns Maheone.
MAHEONE
She got
upset and it made me mad...
EVRYN
Kind of like
how I want to smack crybabies whenever they start whining, only stupider.
DREPANON
Hear, hear.
EVRYN
Shut up,
you.
MAHEONE
—then I
realized that she was... I could have hurt them both.
EVRYN
You're a
fertility god and you didn't ALREADY KNOW that she was pregnant?
MAHEONE
I realized
she was carrying your child and Bliu's anger finally broke and when it did... I
attacked her.
EVRYN
But...wait...what?
You realized you could have hurt the baby and you hit her anyway? I mean, yeah,
that's something I would do, but I'm actually SUPPOSED to be evil!
LUCIFER
That's
nothing. Once, I threw a woman who was giving birth out the window for
back-sassing me.
FAUSTUS and LUCIFER high-five.
EPIPHANY
[CorriCanon logic knows only the infliction of suffering upon
others.]
SIGYN, to Drepanon
...so, um,
you're ONLY CorriCanon starting next month? I find that surprising.
DREPANON
I somehow
manage to find it surprising every time you don't shut up when you should, and
yet here we are.
EPIPHANY
[Oh! I just remembered! It doesn't matter that Akuma was getting
smacked around, because she could miscarry if she blinks wrong or if someone
breathes on her too hard. It's overwhelmingly probable that she wouldn't have
carried to term anyway, unless Corri Fiat says that she's going to carry to
term this time, in which case there's no stopping it.]
DREPANON
What kind of
monster would ever stop a baby from coming to—
SERLEINA
*RENEGADE INTERRUPT*
DREPANON
If the women
on this show could just stop abusing me for one second—
EVRYN
Dude, I did
warn you before, but if you don't stop whining, then I'M going to smack you.
DREPANON points to Evryn
See? See
that? That's abuse. You're abusive. You are an abuser of men. Men can be
abused, and this is proof positive.
EVRYN rolls her eyes
MARIE
Would you
prefer if I banished you from the set again? Then nobody can "bully"
you, except for behind your back. I can't stop the rest of the prod team from
making fun of you behind your back. I am not omnipotent.
EVRYN
Yeah, but
then Désmoda's muse becomes more active and that has the potential to be an
even worse time for everyone.
DESMODA
Hey, do I
insult your personality?
EVRYN
Surprisingly,
no.
LENA
Also, half
of the characters being abused on this show are male already. That's really
nothing new.
ONION
I know,
right? I'm just glad I'M not the one getting all the slapstick anymore.
DREPANON
Fuck my
life.
MAHEONE
I said
horrible things to her. I could have killed her and the child both.
EVRYN
Great. Why
didn't you?
OVD
A moment
ago, you were grousing at him for being evil. Now you're saying he's not evil
enough?
EVRYN
What, Corri's
characters are the only ones allowed to be contradictory? Anyway, I was
grousing about him being evil because he's doing a TERRIBLE job of
impersonating Maheone—don't even start in on me about the spoilers, OVD; I won't
stop saying it—and so he's being evil when he should be acting good, and he's
half-assing the evil! If I didn't know any better, I'd say my mum put him up to
it to get back at me for something.
MAHEONE
And she didn't
even fight back. I needed to know if she's safe with you. Is she?
EVRYN
Not if I get
my hands on her, she isn't.
OVD
Evryn,
you may not murder your fellow castmates.
EVRYN
Oh, come on!
She dies every other week anyway!
OVD
Do you
know how expensive her resurrections are for me?
EVRYN throws the Encyclopedia of Fuck You at the ceiling. It
bounces off and hits her on the head.
EVRYN
Ow.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, you
had every right to be upset with her, in my opinion. Besides, you know what my
children are like. I haven't been known to seed wonders.
MAHEONE
I was never
mad or upset at her.
EPIPHANY
[That directly contradicts what you said earlier, so I'm going
to assume you're only saying it because justified anger isn't allowed to be
directed at Corri's precious Akuma.]
NATHANIEL
At Corri: Oh
my God, shut the FUCK UP about Fre—Akuma.
JEPH smacks Maheone with the Encyclopedia of Fuck You
MAHEONE
I was
feeling Bliu's anger and took it out on her. Something I shouldn't have done.
EVRYN presses the Bullshit Button.
MAHEONE
I guess that
she isn't with you then.
EVRYN
I'm pretty
sure they broke up, actually.
ILLYBRIUS
She's banned
from Celestia.
MAHEONE
So you
banned her because of what I did.
ILLYBRIUS
No.
EPIPHANY
[Corri, stop trying to make Akuma's banhammer not her fault.]
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, do
you know why Bliu has been angry today?
MAHEONE
No. I never
paid attention to him.
EVRYN
That is the
most ridiculous piece of hand-waving crap I have ever heard!
TOKIOMI
Really?
Including my line about having Uvall put on a bus earlier?
EVRYN
I wasn't
really paying attention, so I'm going to assume yes.
ILLYBRIUS
But you're
certain the emotions were his and not... not your dark side emerging again?
MAHEONE
Yes. I am
positive.
EVRYN
Don't sleep
with him! He tested positive...oh wait, you've already shagged, haven't you?
MAHEONE
I could feel
his anger first, then, when he released it, it came to consume me as well. That
was when... I attacked her.
ILLYBRIUS
My
counterpart's emotions affect me as well, but usually they follow her...
hormones.
EVRYN
Well, that,
and you're written by the same young and inexperienced person.
NATHANIEL
Please also
shut the fuck up about hormones. I have lingering Bexitis.
MAHEONE
Well if she
is not with you then I must find her and apologize for my actions.
EVRYN
"I'm
sorry you ran into my fist."
SERLEINA
"AND THEN HE RAN INTO MY KNIFE! HE RAN INTO MY KNIFE TEN
TIMES!"
ILLYBRIUS
Please don't.
I assume she'll get over it. Maheone, I was petty in my ban. I didn't ban her
for getting into a fight with you.
MAHEONE
Then why did
you ban her?
EVRYN
Because he's
the admin and he can do whatever the fuck he wants!
ILLYBRIUS
At the time,
I was too angry to stand her. I was upset that she'd gone to your room, when I...
when I didn't even know you've gone there after your Incarnation.
SIGYN (onstage)
I know how
you feel, man.
OVD
Sigyn,
get off the set. You're strictly Audience this episode!
SIGYN
I WAS in the
audience, but I ran out of kettle corn.
OVD
Just
because climbing onto the stage is the most direct route to the snack bar doesn't
mean it's the best way to get there!
ILLYBRIUS
It works for
me!
SIGYN acquires popcorn and sits back down.
EPIPHANY
[ I like that tactic.]
MAHEONE
I was with
her when she went to get them. I can understand, however, why you did it.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh, I don't
care that she was retrieving her family gems. I rarely get to see you at all.
It's been over twenty years.
ILLYBRIUS clutches his chest
ILLYBRIUS
Ouch! I can't...
MAHEONE
Illybrius, I
told you that you are welcome to come see me anytime.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, I
don't know when you're in the temple and when you're in Bliu.
EVRYN
If I didn't
know Bliu was his host, that would have some very INTERESTING implications.
FLUOU
True, but I
won't hit him for it since the statement amuses me.
JEPH
[ I will, because I don't like him.]
JEPH smacks Maheone with the Encyclopedia of Fuck You.
MAHEONE
Fine. From
now on, I'll come find you when I am in the Temple. I promise. Then we can be
together for a while.
SIGYN, from the audience
Your
grudging attempt to placate the male lead does not endear you to us!
ILLYBRIUS
Is it safe
to keep leaving the bloodbag alone? (I'll call him a bloodbag if I want to,
Cinnamon!)
MAHEONE
Yes. Blake
fills in when I am not there, so he is safe.
JEPH smacks
Maheone with the Encyclopedia of Fuck You
[That's not
how soulbound alter spirits work.]
ILLYBRIUS
I miss you.
MAHEONE
And I you. I
will find you the next time I visit.
ILLYBRIUS presses up to Maheone
MAHEONE
Illybrius…
MAHEONE kisses Illybrius.
ILLYBRIUS kisses Maheone tenderly and a little hungrily.
MAHEONE
Illybrius, I
want you so bad, but...
ILLYBRIUS
NO!
MAHEONE
A few
minutes can't hurt then I must go.
FLUOU Grammar-Hammers Maheone
ILLYBRIUS
JUST GO!
MAHEONE grabs Illybrius and pulls him close.
MAHEONE
Illybrius.
Don't do this.
TOD
Shut up!
ILLYBRIUS
YOU don't do
this! You're always dangling yourself in front of me, then going away!
EPIPHANY
[How else is he going to feed Corri's hunger?]
ILLYBRIUS
MAYBE HE
COULD TRY SHOVING HIS COCK DOWN HER THROAT!
EVRYN
You WOULD
suggest that.
NATHANIEL
Agreed,
though.
MAHEONE
Illybrius,
tomorrow I will meet with you at the temple. My room. I told you I would see
you again and I will.
SIGYN
Five bucks
says he doesn't show!
TOKIOMI
I don't
know, it seems pretty legit to me. I think he can trust that guy to show up.
SIGYN
Shut up,
Tokiomi.
MAHEONE
I have
considered all things, my love.
ILLYBRIUS melts in Maheone's embrace.
ILLYBRIUS
But you're
here now. I like you here now.
MAHEONE
I know. I
like to be here too, but you know me. My charges were important to me.
TOD
All right, I
can understand that, I suppose. I'm the same way. My friends are quite
important to me and I can't stand to see them suffer.
EPIPHANY
["were". Past tense. He gives no shits now.]
TOD
In that
case, I repeat my invitation for him to shut up.
SERLEINA
QUICK! SOMEONE GET HIM SOME METAMUCIL!
SIGYN
Maheone, may
I interest you in some cooler water?
MAHEONE
Oh, thank
you.
MAHEONE, to Illybrius
You know
that. And now one is in trouble because of my actions.
MAHEONE kisses Illybrius
MAHEONE
Please...
ILLYBRIUS
I COULDN'T
GIVE LESS OF A SHIT ABOUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING CHARGES, MAHEONE! EVER SINCE I
FOUND OUT YOU WERE BACK, OR COULD BE BACK, WHAT I'VE WANTED MOST IS TO BE WITH
YOU!
MAHEONE sips cooler water.
MAHEONE
I know that.
EPIPHANY
["And that's why I haven't been anywhere near you!"]
MAHEONE
And I wouldn't
even be here now if it wasn't for Akuma. You should thank her for bringing me
back.
FLUOU
[Translation: SHOWER PRAISE UPON THE CORRI SUE
OF CORRI SUES!]
NATHANIEL
Shut the
fuck up about Fre—Akuma! Fuck, that's going to keep happening, isn't it?
TOD
Am I that
annoying, too?
ILLYBRIUS
THAT DOESN'T—ALL
THAT MATTERS TO ME CONCERNING THAT IS THAT YOU'RE BACK! YOU ARE! BUT AT THE
SAME TIME, YOU'RE NOT! YOU MEAN A THOUSAND WORLDS TO ME, MAHEONE!
MAHEONE
I know that,
Illybrius. And I love you—
EVRYN takes a shot
MAHEONE
—and Akuma
knew that and did the best she could with the spells she had to fix the mess I
put myself in.
NATHANIEL
Oh my god
shut up
MAHEONE
When I came
here I wiped my mind. I didn't want to remember. I hated to remember what I did
to you. The person I love the most.
EVRYN takes a shot.
MAHEONE
When Akuma
felt my energy she tried to bring me back FOR YOU! KNOWING HOW MUCH I MEANT TO
YOU AND KNOWING THAT YOU WOULD CHOOSE ME OVER HER ANY DAY! SHE DIED FOR ME TO
KEEP YOU HAPPY!
NATHANIEL
SHUT UP!
EPIPHANY
[Translation: SUFFER TO FEED CORRI! SHOWER PRAISE UPON AKUMA!
APPRECIATE WHAT A GOOD MARTYR SHE IS! SEE THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS IN LOVING OR
CARING ABOUT ANYTHING MORE THAN HER!]
TOD
I repeat my
earlier question as to whether I'm quite that annoying.
NATHANIEL
Yeah,
probably!
TOD
My mistake.
SIGYN
SHE DIES
EVERY TWO WEEKS ANYWAY! WHO GIVES A CRAP!
EVRYN
Yeah! What
Audience One said!
MAHEONE
AND WE BOTH
REPAY HER KINDNESS WITH CRUELTY, ILLYBRIUS!
EVRYN
No-one gives
a shit about Akuma! Shut the fuck up!
NATHANIEL
Hear, hear!
SIGYN
Actually, if
it WASN'T AKUMA, and if Maheone WASN'T BEING MANIPULATIVE, I could appreciate
the gist of what he's saying: That someone shouldn't repay kindness and
unconditional love with cruelty. Because it's mean.
LENA
Can I have
that back, please?
SIGYN, sitting on the Soapbox
No. It's
comfy.
TOD
And I agree
with her.
TOKIOMI
Look on the
bright side, Lena. The longer she has it, the less likely Drepanon is to vie
for it.
SIGYN
Are you
kidding? He loves taking away what's mine!
EVRYN
Did you just—
SIGYN
OH RIGHT!
That reminds me, while I'm here, the prod team wanted me to give a disclaimer!
We do not now, nor have we ever, endorsed putting out hits on real people.
Tokiomi's idea of Solving a Problem is calling a travel specialist, NOT an
assassin.
TOKIOMI
That wasn't
obvious?
SIGYN
Not at all!
Where exactly was the plausible deniability meant to come in?
TOKIOMI
You do know
that telling you that would defeat the purpose of having you claim it, right?
CIN
The writer's
on painkillers, you guys, don't mind him.
REIYA
Suddenly,
gender!
CIN
Yeah, that
happens sometimes. Just go with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment