TITLE
Dungeons
& Detours
Fri, Nov
14 2008, 8:07 PM
ILLYBRIUS
Hello again.
AKUMA
Irubura?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
EPIPHANY
[But WHY do
you rub a Ra?]
ILLYBRIUS
Because
we're all perverts. Haven't you been paying attention, Miss Epiphany?
EPIPHANY,
Santa Claus scowl
[ It's DR.
TREBUCHET to you.]
ILLYBRIUS
Oui, je suis
desole, Mademoiselle Docteur Trebuchet.
AKUMA
Are you
alright? You're making all these funny noises.
SIGYN
He's
speaking French, you imbecile - SHUT UP LENA.
TOD
Poorly.
AKUMA
It's not
Japanese, Greek, Dridarien, or Dark Glyphs, so I don't care.
TOD
More
importantly, he just referred to Dr. Trebuchet as “Miss Doctor Trebuchet.”
FAUSTUS
Well I have
to. Unfortunately, OVD said I’m not allowed to actually use her for
target practice.
STRAWBERRY
You’re
awful.
FAUSTUS
… How am I
worse than you?
ILLYBRIUS
I'm better
now. I had an emotional breakdown last night and it caused me to regress a bit,
but I've been deemed safe to return among the general population.
EVRYN
... Did a
DOCTOR deem you safe to return? Because that sounds like something you'd go to
Emergency Psychiatric for.
ILLYBRIUS
Well, it
wasn’t Miss Doctor Trebuchet so OVD wouldn’t take the note.
EPIPHANY
[I’m not a
medical doctor!]
OVD
Yeah, that
sounds like an issUE and not an issME.
AKUMA
That's good.
You stayed with Impare. I talked to him.
ILLYBRIUS
He healed
me.
TOD
He’s
CERTAINLY not a medical doctor.
OVD
And that’s
CERTAINLY not my damn problem.
SIGYN
It's
probably better that way. You know when that happened to me and you all just
sat around thinking up these, pun intended, crazy scenarios of how I got there,
and wasted all my phone allowance? Yeah, I wouldn't want you to put even
Illybrius through that.
AKUMA smirks
like a jerk
I know.
SIGYN
Why don't
you stun-gun yourself?
EPIPHANY
holds up the remote
[She just
has to say The Word.]
AKUMA
He told me
you were healing, but didn't say why. I
didn't press the issue, just like he kept his word not to tell you where I was at
first. Fully healed from what killed me, if that is what you are asking.
EPIPHANY
[A pity.
Bob's bringing tacos to this week's meeting.]
EVRYN
Hah! You're
gonna miss Taco Night!
AKUMA
But other
problems arose after I came back.
SEI-SEI,
indignantly
Like missing
TACO NIGHT!
ILLYBRIUS
Oh... Would
you like to talk about it?
AKUMA
You are
blocking your bond with me. Did you realize that?
ILLYBRIUS
No. Ouch! I
just tried to lower my shields and got a sharp jolt
AKUMA
Sorry. My
fault. There. It should be safe now.
EPIPHANY
[Akuma, you
did that on purpose.]
AKUMA, angel
wings
The
Goddesses have a purpose for all that we--
SERLEINA
CUT THE
CRAP.
AKUMA
STOW IT,
DEMON WOLF!
SERLEINA
I CALL UPON
THE POWER OF SATAN--
SIGYN
He's by the
snack bar. You don't need to yell.
SERLEINA
I ALWAYS
YELL! DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I ENJOY EXPLOITING HIS SENSORY ISSUES.
DREPANON,
offstage
Rude.
EVRYN
Says the guy
wot stole Epiphany's mai tai at the office Halloween party.
EPIPHANY,
wibbling
[ It was a
peach daiquiri]
EPIPHANY,
normal
[ I had the
mai tai later.]
ILLYBRIUS
There.
AKUMA
Warm.
ILLYBRIUS
I'd
hope. Maheone said last night that I was
cold to the touch, an absolute first.
AKUMA
I wish I
could see you.
EPIPHANY
[Try looking
in his direction.]
AKUMA
LA LA LA I
CAN'T HEAR YOUR RUDE SIGNS.
EPIPHANY
[R U D E .]
DREPANON
You still
have that?
EPIPHANY
[Why
WOULDN'T I still have it?]
[Did you
think I threw these out?]
DREPANON
I would. I
generally throw things out once I'm done using them.
EVRYN
Then explain
Marigold.
DREPANON
What is,
"A stubborn dangleberry?"
TOD
What is
“Sayida Kanzir”?
(The
microwave timer goes off.)
DREPANON
Oo,
burrito's done!
[exit
Drepanon]
OVD
What did I
say about using the microwave when we're recording?
EVRYN
Literally
nothing ever.
SEI-SEI
We have a
MICROWAVE?!
OVD
Yeah, a
belligerent group of mommy crusaders with nothing else better to do petitioned
to force us to remove the oven after Désmoda made one too many Hitler jokes.
DÉSMODA
You’re
welcome. That thing was a fire hazard!
OVD
And a
microwave isn’t?
DÉSMODA
Not unless
it runs on gas. Like the oven. Where I put—
OVD
CAN YOU
STOP?
DÉSMODA
I can.
MARIE
Will you,
though?
DÉSMODA
What’s in it
for me?
MARIE
I don’t
begone you from this set right now.
DÉSMODA
Alright, I
won’t say anything more on the matter…
MARIE
Good.
DÉSMODA
…in this
sub-episode.
MARIE
Damn it.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't look
much different from usual, except for the lack of my vest. It was ruined last night.
AKUMA
That's nice,
TOD
I don’t find
it nice to have one of my vests ruined.
AKUMA
--but it's
one of the problems. I have to dictate
instead of write.
STRAWBERRY,
dictating into his phone (Weird Phone Pose)
Boo freaking
hoo. No, not “w-h-o”, “h-o-o”. No, you know what, this IS a real problem.
ILLYBRIUS
Are you too
tired to write?
AKUMA
No, I... was
hurt coming back through. So for now, Kibby is playing guide to me.
EPIPHANY, =O
[Kibby’s
LITERATE?!]
TROPHY
Me a nuclear
physicist in human form. Anything is possible!
AKUMA
I was
blinded. But it's not permanent.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh! Now I
remember. I'm sorry.
EPIPHANY
[ I thought
you recovered from all the shit.]
[By having
your soul ripped apart and put back together.]
[Because
that makes sense.]
CIN
Hey, it
worked for me.
EVRYN
I thought
yours was just kept in a jar?
CIN
No, yeah,
wait, no, you're right. It was ripped out so that it wouldn't destroy itself.
And then Illybrius put it in a painting or something, I forget, I don't know, I
was at the beach drinking Walk the Planks that week.
AKUMA
It's fine.
Something else happened.
EPIPHANY
[Of course
something else happened.]
[Otherwise
you'd be out of the woods.]
[And we
can't have that.]
SIGYN,
tearfully
I miss the
woods.
DREPANON
NOT THIS
SHIT AGAIN.
EVRYN
Pan-chan,
why don't you pretend that burrito's a dick, stuff it down your throat, and
stop bothering us?
EPIPHANY, =D
sprite
[HA HE'S
BREAD]
TROPHY
He style, he
class, he toasted own ass.
CIN
Um, you do
know it's inadvisable to squat over the fire when you're trying to pee it out?
JEPH
[>implying
he has another choice]
EVRYN
PWWWWWWWWWNED.
AKUMA
Something
dark entered, and I am not sure what it was.
EPIPHANY
[Presumably,
the rest of your dark emo bullshit is just as dark so you can't see it well.]
[Miss
Darkest Bloody Death Bagel.]
AKUMA
Touche, Miss
Doctor.
EVRYN
You know,
there's a special on bloody death bagels at Mum's cafe now.
EPIPHANY
[Do they
just burn the bagel?]
EVRYN
Well, the
bagels are made with pig's blood instead of milk and eggs, but to answer your
question, yes. They burn the bagel and then you get your choice of dips.
ILLYBRIUS
That would
explain why Miss Corri said there was a darkness about your power.
EPIPHANY
[Such.
Riveting. Exposition.]
SAYIDA
Speaking of
exposition, I can’t even take off my top without it being considered porn! WAH!
AKUMA
Yes, and
some of us have real problems, like soul-splitting blindness and having to rely
on Google Text-to-Speech.
TOD
Precisely,
as well as being scolded for using the microwave whilst filming.
EVRYN
Wait, wait, back
on topic. Epiphany, they basically just said Ansem the Sod entered her.
EPIPHANY
[ I don't
want to read that fanfic.]
CIN
WAIT, AM I
THE *ONLY ONE* WHO REMEMBERS EVERYONE'S COSTUMES FROM THE HALLOWEEN PARTY? You
wanna maybe rethink that phrasing, Evryn?
EVRYN
No, because
it's still accurate.
EPIPHANY
[Why do you
think I don't want to read the fanfic?]
TROPHY, =O
You can
READ?! Me thought YOU relying on Google Speakwrite TOO!
EPIPHANY
[Have you
heard a single word out of my mouth?]
[I’m holding
a marker RIGHT HERE!]
TROPHY
Me have
anti-Akuma earplugs. Me not hear ANYONE’s words. Me just read subtitles. And
signs.
DREPANON
At least
someone on this show reads the fucking subtitles.
AKUMA
Yeah. I'm
kinda afraid to go near her.
MARIE
Who,
Epiphany? I wouldn’t want to get poked by her scalpel either.
AKUMA
I don't want her hurt on my account.
ILLYBRIUS
Can the dark
part be exorcised without harming you?
AKUMA
SHUT UP,
NURSE! I KNOW WHAT'S BEST!
ILLYBRIUS
Akuma, what
the FUCK?
AKUMA
I mean, I
don't know. I was going to ask if one of you can try to get a feel for it. Larlia or Pumpkin. Just to see what they
feel.
ILLYBRIUS
I can ask.
AKUMA
Would you? I
would like that.
LARLIA,
holding half a burrito, with her mouth full
Oww, what?
No, I don'—oh. I can feel it, but I don't know what it is?
AKUMA
Is it
chaotic?
LARLIA,
still munching
I don't
think so, just different. Sorry to disappoint, dollface.
AKUMA
I don't want
to go anywhere unless I know this thing's alignment.
EPIPHANY
[What is
this, Dungeons and Dragons?]
DREPANON
No, that has
a better plot.
SIGYN
That doesn't
sound right, but okay. Also, kinky.
DREPANON
Once again,
can we just go one day without this shit from you?
SIGYN
I know it's
literally been weeks since you asked me that, but to me, it seems like just
hours ago.
EVRYN
Pan-chan,
can we go maybe one day without you talking?
DREPANON
Why should I
be the one to be silenced?
TOD
Because
you’re worthless and your existence is irrelev—Oh. My apologies, Drepanon, I
mistook you for someone else.
EVRYN
Because you
haven't debuted yet, you clod.
DREPANON
...if the
Audience can talk during the show, why can't future actors?
EVRYN
Because the
Audience has debuted, and makes valuable contributions. As opposed to you, who
simply wastes our time.
LARLIA
He's good
for eye candy.
EVRYN
Oi, you know
who else is good eye candy? David, by Michelangelo. You know what he does? NOT
TALK.
LARLIA
Fair.
Uhhhhh... Ku-muhhhh. I'll ask Cousin Pumpkin, but she's mean, so she might not
talk to you.
AKUMA
It's fine.
DESMODA
why the FUCK
AM I HERE.
DREPANON
To cast
Detect Alignment.
DESMODA
I don't
recall asking you, pet.
EPIPHANY
...
DESMODA
...
EPIPHANY
...
DESMODA
Chaotic,
maybe. Evil, no. Most likely neutral-neutral, but exposed to darkness for a
prolonged time.
LARLIA
...
DESMODA
or some shit
like that, I don't honestly care.
EPIPHANY
[Nope. Not
Ansem SoD.]
DESMODA
I normally
don't pay attention to D&D, but it was surprisingly fun after smoking half
Nef's offertory last week.
AKUMA
What are the
chances it will hurt another?
DESMODA
30% or less.
AKUMA
More than I
was hoping for, but it works.
DESMODA
Look at it
this way: There's absolutely no chance it's over 30%
DREPANON
opens his mouth to speak
EVRYN
HEY LOOK,
EPI'S GOT A SIGN!
EPIPHANY,
hastily scribbled
[For once I
agree with the fucking weeaboo; that's still a three-in-ten chance that it'll
attack. If the odds were closer to three times in a thousand, I'd be a bit more
secure in confronting whatever the hell it is you're talking about.]
TROPHY, =O
Wow! You
write FAST!
EVRYN, in a
Serious Academic Voice
This is
true, but Désmoda doesn't care if the people Akuma loves are hurt. Parts of her
personal history, which may or may not be mentioned elsewhere in this show,
also indicate that she doesn't really care if the people she claims to love are
hurt either.
CIN
We were
talking about something dark that entered Akuma while she was being
resurrected.
DREPANON
--
CIN, a
little louder.
It's never
named and has absolutely no impact on anybody except for a few minutes of
quasi-suspenseful conversation. But its chance of attacking someone are less
than fifty percent, which by Désmoda’s standards make it safe enough to harbor.
Just go with me on this one!
EVRYN
YES, LET US
DO THIS THING. It makes sense within the context of this particular form of
entertainment, which we also strive to make as educational as possible, in the
hopes that--
AKUMA,
interrupting loudly
So it's safe
to go see Corri and Caleb, then?
EVRYN
RUDE, AKUMA.
AKUMA,
defiantly
WUHHHH.
DESMODA
Don't see
why not?
AKUMA
I just want
the people I love to be safe.
SERLEINA
IT IS TO
LAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!
DESMODA
Yeah. I
don't know how you feel personally, but I get it.
MARIE,
acerbically
No, you
don't.
DREPANON
--
MARIE
BUT okay.
EPIPHANY,
scribbled
[That is a
fairly common character motivation. Presumably because it's almost always a
valid and sympathetic one. Too bad Akuma is lying out her ass.]
DESMODA
Does that
make it less valid and sympathetic?
SIGYN
I would
assume so!
AKUMA
That means
you and Illybrius as well.
AHRRY
WUT.
AKUMA
PEOPLE I
CARE ABOUT. PAY ATTENTION.
PAMIE
TANSHEN
Wuh?
SERLEINA
YOU HAVEN'T
DEBUTED YET, EITHER! OUT!!!
PAMIE
*grumble* my
SISTER gets to be on the show and my BROTHER gets to be on the show but *I*
don't get to--
AKUMA
OOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!!!
AKUMA picks
Pamie up and throws her off the stage
TOKIOMI
Ow.
AKUMA
QUIT YER
BITCHIN.
SERLEINA
YOU'RE ONE
TO TALK. RIIIIGHT, DESMODA?
DESMODA
Leave me out
of it.
CIN
She's loved
one person in her life, including herself.
EPIPHANY
[That's a
pretty roundabout way of calling her a narcissist.]
DÉSMODA
No, I don’t
have that diagnosis. Trust me. I’m a harmacist.
EVRYN
Yes, the
point being that she doesn't feel love and doesn't want Akuma's love.
SIGYN
At least she
and Drepanon have something in common.
DESMODA
We have much
in common.
DREPANON
!!!
LENA
DO NOT
SPEAKETH HIS NAME. It will only encourage him.
CIN
She has
claimed to feel love, but being a narcissist as Epiphany says, her first
loyalty is still to herself.
DESMODA
See? I'm
just like Dr...oldemort.
EVRYN
"Droldemort",
more like TROLLdemort.
DREPANON,
Santa Claus scowl
--!!!!
SERLEINA
TROLLLLLLLLLLL
IN THE DUNGEON! TRRRRRRRRRRRROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
DREPANON,
Santa Claus scowl
*--*
SERLEINA
Thought you
ought to know.
SERLEINA
faints, with an Akuma noise.
SERLEINA
stands up
SERLEINA
Wait, I did
that wrong.
SERLEINA
faints again, with *her version of* an Akuma noise.
WWWWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHRRY, on
his back with his legs in the air
AAAAAWWWWWWWWWUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH,
ALSO!
AKUMA
Still, I
will run if this thing even twitches.
EVRYN
Wait, wot--
oh! The Darkness.
SIGYN
Hey,
Cinnamon's and my band did a song called The Darkness.
DREPANON
--
SERLEINA
OKAY
KIDDIES, BACK TO THE TITLE DROP. DUNGEONS AND DETOURS, MOTHERFUCKERS. Not you,
Drepanon.
CIN
She's
telling the truth about it being under 30% chance of hurting someone. I'm
telling you because she has a leaning toward evil herself.
AKUMA
I
understand.
CIN
Okay, if
you're clear that it's safe... Caleb and Gany are dangerously close to doing
it. Better get there before the good
stuff's-- oh... sorry, forgot about blindness.
AKUMA
Don't be. No
doubt Corri is already drooling.
CIN
*giggles*
Probably
AKUMA
Anyway, when
I got back, the first thing I did was visit Impare for some answers.
CIN
Did'ja get
them?
EPIPHANY
[Of course
not.]
AKUMA
Some, yes.
Enough that I made peace with him. And I slapped him too for his continued
offering.
SIGYN
Kinky!
DREPANON
--
SIGYN slaps
Drepanon.
DREPANON
...
DREPANON
blushes.
CIN
*giggles*
Great!
ILLYBRIUS
That time, I
suppose it was justified.
EVRYN
LEE!
ILLYBRIUS
I'm sorry,
have you MET Drepanon?
DREPANON
--
SERLEINA
MET HIM? I
GREW UP WITH HIM. THAT SON OF A DISAPPOINTINGLY UNDERCOOKED BAGEL HAD IT
COMING.
AKUMA
I am tired
of him trying to make me anything.
EVRYN
Whoa.
EPIPHANY
[WHAT?]
[DID YOU
JUST]
[where is
akuma and who is this]
EVRYN
That, too,
but I was just wondering if she was talking about Drepanon, or--
AKUMA
NO,
MA-HAyNA-Nay OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS. I am happy that way I am now. Nothing will change that.
EPIPHANY
[Oh, okay.]
[You mean,
you are happy being eternally a martyr who is passive in every respect. Nothing
will change that.]
[That makes
sense.]
EVRYN
Unlike her
pronunciation of "Maheone", and whatever the FUCK was going on with
the subtitles.
DREPANON
--
MARIE
LUCKILY, only
Trophy reads the subtitles!
TROPHY
Because me a
loser! That’s why me a Participation Trophy! Me participate in EVERYTHING! Especially
reading subtitles!
TOD
At least you
try your best.
TROPHY
Me never
said me try.
ILLYBRIUS
I am happy
with your happiness. Also, I have sensory processing issues, and Miss Akuma's
voice hurts my ears too much for me to parse what she's saying 90% of the time.
AKUMA
Ma-HENNA-nEH
keeps saying he wants me to be happy and wants to make things up with you. I am
not a go-between for his apologies to you, so I slapped him.
ILLYBRIUS
pauses
Well, he's
smart enough not to try again.
AKUMA
I hope so. I
cried after I slapped him.
SIGYN
You wuss.
ILLYBRIUS
He might
settle things DIRECTLY with me next time something goes awry.
AKUMA
Menuhmena
was rather upset I was blinded though--
SERLEINA
MENUHMENA
CIN
DO DO
DUH-DO-DO-DO
SERLEINA
MENUHMENA
CIN
DO DO
DA-DO-DO-DO
AKUMA
-- but he
told me it wasn't going to last. He tried to heal it, but the rest has to heal
on its own.
ILLYBRIUS
I'm glad
it's temporary.
REIYA
The
blindness, or the intelligence?
CINNAMON
The agency.
TOD whispers
I think Akuma’s
not supposed to talk about that.
STRAWBERRY
You’re
right. It’s in her contract.
AKUMA
I am, too.
Not my first time blind, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
ILLYBRIUS
I know.
ERNEST
Is
Commentary allowed to do healing?
AKUMA
Probably,
but I’d rather be clingy and get attention!
TOD
This is, as
they say, a mood.
ILLYBRIUS
holds Akuma
AKUMA
relaxes into Illybrius's embrace
ILLYBRIUS
*purrs*
AKUMA
Would it
offend you if I said I wanted you?
ILLYBRIUS
Why would it
offend me?
AKUMA
'Cause right
now, I'm not exactly... I guess you don't care that I'm blind, huh?
EPIPHANY
>=(
[WHAT THE
ACTUAL FUCK?]
LENA
Normally
here is where I would yell a relevant word. How-- but yet!
LENA
[ I DON'T
HAVE WORDS FOR HOW UNCOOL THAT IS, CORRI.]
ILLYBRIUS
Why would
that be... something that would matter?
EVRYN
You mean,
besides the fact that she just apologised for coming onto you while disabled?
EPIPHANY
[ I guess I
see why she wanted her soul ripped apart.]
ILLYBRIUS
I was
actually asking why she thinks not being able to see would turn me off.
EVRYN
You mean,
because her face usually does such a good job on its own?
CINNAMON
...I mean,
at least you won't have to go looking for the blindfold.
DREPANON
--
AKUMA,
loudly
Like I said,
I am being silly. So, can I please you?
EVRYN
I know the
usual excuse for this is "she has a cold", but that can't be it this
time, so what the fuck is up with Akuma's voice?
SERLEINA
Ding, dong,
the weeb is dead?
AHRRY
REJOICE!
NTS: change the like action stuff from here.
JEPH
[ ILLYBRIUS
nods.]
AKUMA
Good. Undo
your pants, please, Kibito.
EVRYN poses
Tree?
EPIPHANY
WURN THE
BEEABOO!
DESMODA
Holy crap,
you can talk?!
EPIPHANY
Wot spithout
Noonerisms fetting gucking everywhere.
DREPANON
More
importantly, there's clearly about to be a sex scene. Why are you still here?
EPIPHANY
....
DREPANON
You're not
even holding up a sign to explain yourself. Wow.
AKUMA
I knew he
could talk from the start.
EVRYN
You mean
"she."
AKUMA
I know. And
I can fix the spoonerisms!
EVRYN
No you
can't. It REALLY doesn't work that way.
AKUMA
Can we get
back to me (and Lee) now?
EPIPHANY
Yuck fou.
AKUMA, as
whinily as possible
Freddddd,
just hit the liiiiiiights!
[exit
EPIPHANY - saying "Quage stit"]
ILLYBRIUS
Very well,
then.
WT
Illybrius
undoes his pants and leaves them somewhere.
-
Akuma
reaches out to stroke him.
AKUMA
So soft.
ILLYBRIUS
Not for
long.
WT
Akuma kisses
Illybrius's length and "storkes" him faster
AKUMA
I would hope
not.
WT
Illybrius
shudders in pleasure.
AKUMA
Lay back for
me, please?
WT
Illybrius
lays back.
-
Akuma licks
him from base to tip and kisses her way down and then up, never taking him in.
AKUMA
You taste
sweet.
WT
Illybrius
smiles... throbbing... sighs in pleasure.
AKUMA
Now let's
see how you like this.
WT
Akuma licks
one of Illybrius's balls before taking it in her "muth" to gently
suck.
-
Illybrius
pets her hair.
-
Akuma pulls
back and kisses her way up to "him" tip before kissing it and then
deep-throating him
ILLYBRIUS
Ohh
WT
Akuma pulls
back and sucks his tip before deep-throating again.
ILLYBRIUS
My love.
WT
Illybrius
gasps in pleasure
-
Akuma pulls
back
AKUMA
Yes, Kibito?
EVRYN
Tree?
WT
Akuma
continues to suck and deep-throat
-
Illybrius
purrs happily and pets her
-
Akuma pulls
back
AKUMA
Ready for
more?
EVRYN
No, not
really.
ILLYBRIUS
Mmm.
WT
Akuma strips
and climbs on top of Illybrius.
-
Illybrius
holds Akuma's hips gently and guides her down.
-
Akuma
whimpers in pleasure.
AKUMA
Ahhhh...
WT
Illybrius
smiles and traces circles on Akuma's hips teasingly
AKUMA
Mmmm...
That... feels really good...
ILLYBRIUS
*purrs
louder*
WT
Akuma slowly
begins to ride Illybrius
AKUMA
SO good...
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, I quite
agree.
EVRYN
I don't.
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