TITLE
Akuma Feels Inferior in Bed, part 1
Sun, Nov 16 2008, 6:53 PM
AKUMA
I'm
here. Orion just woke up... Tell me...
When did you tell him to let Drake go?
ILLYBRIUS
This
morning.
EPIPHANY
[Why couldn’t Illybrius just ask for time alone
with Drake, do nothing, and claim he did?]
EVRYN
Because the
other Corris would know, because metagaming.
TOD
Not if he
lied convincingly enough.
AKUMA
Orion just
said, "Whoops," and went to go let him out.
ILLYBRIUS
*laughs*
AKUMA
Well...
Caleb is more your son than you know.
EPIPHANY
[ I don't think genetics work that way.]
EVRYN
He's
actually Illybrius's grandson. Supposedly.
AKUMA
WE ADOPTED
HIM! HE'S TOTALLY OUR SON, DAMN IT! *sobs*
EVRYN
Yeah, you're
really one big happy family.
ILLYBRIUS
He can't cry
either. I heard.
AKUMA
And he can
craft blood.
EPIPHANY
[ I don't think blood works that way.]
EVRYN
Illybrius
was a god with special blood-crafting powers and Caleb's a Gary Stu.
AKUMA
My sight
isn't fully restored, but close to it.
EPIPHANY
[ I don't think eyes work that way.]
ILLYBRIUS
I'm glad.
AKUMA
Tell me...
Is sex with me really so bad?
EPIPHANY
[YES]
EVRYN
How would
YOU know?!
EPIPHANY
[Educated guess.]
ILLYBRIUS
N-no!
Whatever gave you that impression?
AKUMA
Hmmm...
ILLYBRIUS
Is there
something that you're not telling me?
EPIPHANY
[She's pregnant, and an00b15 is the father!]
EVRYN
Well, then I
guess an00b15 would know.
AKUMA
No. Just
been listening to Impare compare notes with Orion after you left last night
while he was healing Caleb.
EVRYN
AKA
metagaming.
ILLYBRIUS
I see.
(They kiss.)
ILLYBRIUS
You must
understand that Maheone was my first love, I'd been waiting seven thousand
years to-- to share-- to-
AKUMA
Illybrius,
while I understand you wish not to be vulgar around me, I would rather you be
vulgar than not speak your mind. You
have been waiting a long time to get a piece of Impare's ass, am I right?
AKUMA smirks evilly
ILLYBRIUS
No.
AKUMA
I know what
you mean. Believe me, I do, Kibito.
EPIPHANY
[BURN THE WEEABOO!]
[{koibito.png}]
[Please excuse my messy kanji/kana. Us previously-living
have crap hand-eye coordination.]
EVRYN poses
Tree?
MARIE
And clearly
Akuma doesn’t know what he means!
ILLYBRIUS
I wasn't
censoring myself. What I feel for him is more than something that can be
casually termed in the manner of modern youth.
AKUMA
He is
everything you desire, and he completes you in ways that no other can.
ILLYBRIUS
Not exactly.
He is my best friend from infanthood. We share a connection that goes deeper
than any I could have with anybody else. I wanted so much, for so long, to be--
to be close to him.
AKUMA
I
understand.
MARIE
No you
fucking do not! You’re just dictating to him what he feels and not listening to
what he says!
NATHANIEL
I hate it
when they do that.
AKUMA
Impare has been trying to explain that to me
for the past few days as well. You have
a bond that can't be labeled.
EPIPHANY
[Camaraderie.]
ILLYBRIUS
Well then,
whatever could have given you the impression that you were a less-than-adequate
lover?
AKUMA
Nothing. I
was just wondering.
MARIE
Wow.
Extremely obvious lie.
TOD
She could
simply ask if he found it enjoyable and if there is anything that would make it
more enjoyable in future.
FREDDIE
Yes, but
that would require adult communication.
MARIE
Yes, but
that would require Corri to care.
ILLYBRIUS
The way you
said it isn't something people say when they just wonder. It doesn't make sense
that you'd ask something like that, unless you really thought—
AKUMA
I guess I
feel a bit odd, sleeping with a man that has had quite a few male lovers.
MARIE
Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
FREDDIE
Why would
that matter?
ILLYBRIUS
Quite a—I'd
hardly call three "quite a few."
STRAWBERRY
Especially
considering the amount of dick Akuma’s pulled.
MARIE
Also, wasn’t
she just telling Illybrius to put his dick in a guy a couple episodes
ago?
EVRYN
I think
Onion was, but same difference.
AKUMA
Forgive me.
I... seem to be... my mind seems to wonder more than it did before I died. I
think my mind is still coming together in some places, so please don't take
anything I say to heart.
TOD
Although
some of her expressions are rather objectionable, I do find her anxiety quite
resonant.
MARIE
Orion
practically beats Illybrius’s door down for sex, but Akuma rarely or never
initiates. What is Corri complaining about?
NATHANIEL
Well, by Bex
Logic, Illybrius is a man and should initiate it with Akuma, who is a woman.
MARIE
That’s DUMB.
NATHANIEL
Tell me
about it.
ILLYBRIUS
I can't help
taking your words to heart.
TOD
This, too,
is resonant.
AKUMA
I’m sorry,
Illybrius. I am not meaning to hurt you.
EPIPHANY
[Yes you absolutely are. That's the point of half
this bullshit.]
AKUMA
Maybe I should go for a while and try to get
my thoughts straight.
STRAWBERRY
Go ahead,
but doesn't it suck for you that your husband isn't? EYYYYY—
FREDDIE
Not funny.
STRAWBERRY
I thought it
was.
FREDDIE
And you were
wrong.
ILLYBRIUS
I was merely
confused.
AKUMA
Yes, but I
don't like saying things before I think about them.
EVRYN
Actually,
valid.
ILLYBRIUS
Because it
confuses people. And in turn leads to
greater confusion for yourself.
AKUMA
Yes.
ILLYBRIUS
Miss Akuma,
you are one of very few female lovers—bedmates—with whom I have actually
enjoyed the experience. I use the term bedmates to encompass those less
adequate, those to whom I gave in because turning them away would have
accomplished nothing.
EVRYN
"No"
is a valid response, you know.
ILLYBRIUS
It is?
AKUMA
Thank you.
It makes me happy to know that I can please you, Kibito.
EPIPHANY
[Fuck it.]
[ I give up.]
EVRYN
It was only
a matter of time.
ILLYBRIUS
I imagine
you can please anyone.
AKUMA
I doubt
that. I try my hardest only to please you.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't
doubt it at all.
AKUMA, ^_^
Drake just
went running for the bathroom. I hope you guys had fun last night.
MARIE
THAT’S
DISGUSTING. Also, wasn’t she JUST complaining about M/M? I know Corri doesn’t
follow Epiphany’s friends’ drinking game rules.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
Cinnamon and Pumpkin helped a bit.
AKUMA
Ah. I
wouldn't know. Impare was talking to me while you guys were doing it.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh.
AKUMA
It's fine.
As much as he deserved it, he...
SERLEINA
*AIRHORN NOISE!* BACK THE TRUCK UP!
MARIE
Any sympathy
I might have had for Akuma this episode? Gone. Go wash your brain out with
soap, young lady.
TROPHY
She can’t.
Me eated all the sope.
LENA
That
explains why the Soapbox is empty.
TROPHY
It like my
brain!
THRENODY
You have a
brain?
TROPHY
… I don’t know
anymore.
EPIPHANY
[This is the most painful bit I’ve ever seen a
scientist play.]
TROPHY
At least me
not a Corri.
EPIPHANY
[True.]
ILLYBRIUS
Well, in any
case, they helped me come up with ideas. I've never exactly tortured anybody
like that, not with finesse.
STRAWBERRY
And you’re
how old? Amateur.
DÉSMODA
And YOU get
your torture ideas from Game of Thrones, so.
STRAWBERRY
Yes, and I'm
significantly younger than Illybrius. And you, for that matter.
MARIE
When I write
torture, I do research about real life.
STRAWBERRY
As you
should.
AKUMA
Well, Orion
seems to think you guys did good, in any rate.
MARIE
Yeah, well,
Onion’s opinion doesn’t fucking matter, especially about fucking matters.
OVD
He’s one of the main characters.
FREDDIE
Actually,
that means very little.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, the
pleas for mercy were a testament to that.
MARIE
I know this
isn't news, but Illybrius, you're a terrible person.
SERLEINA
WOW. WHOA. WAIT. OH MY GOD. BACK THE TRUCK UP. SOMEONE
ON THIS SHOW IS A TERRIBLE PERSON. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. DID NOT SEE THAT ONE
COMING.
AKUMA
Good. If it
happens again, the punishment is death for him.
ILLYBRIUS
You seem
rather—
AKUMA
I would have
to be the one to carry it out. Make no mistake, I love my brother,
MARIE
DO YOU,
THOUGH?!
SERENA
Not as much
as Allya loves her brother, but we're not going there.
AKUMA
but the laws
must be upheld.
EPIPHANY
[i.e., Corri must be Fed.]
FREDDIE
*laughs in Hannibal
canon*
ILLYBRIUS
I see.
AKUMA
Still, I
would rather it not have to happen.
ILLYBRIUS
I see.
AKUMA
I figured it
would be best if you knew beforehand.
EPIPHANY
[She's pregnant, and an00b15 Orion is the
father!]
ILLYBRIUS
Thank you.
AKUMA
You're
welcome. You said you wanted to know next time.
ILLYBRIUS
I did.
AKUMA
And I told
you. And should I not be around... you... can carry it out if you want.
ILLYBRIUS
I see.
AKUMA
You seem to
have a limited vocabulary tonight, Kibito.
MARIE
GEE I WONDER
WHY.
ILLYBRIUS
Not at all.
AKUMA smiles and kisses
Illybrius.
ILLYBRIUS kisses Akuma.
AKUMA
Oh... I
trained with Orion the other day, right? And, wow... your weapons pack quite a
punch.
ILLYBRIUS
Of course. You're
free to remove any from the first floor of the tower. I used to use the structure as target
practice. The weapons should all be unbreakable. You're free to take as many as
you wish.
[faint AKUMA, rise SHERWQA]
SHERWQA
You are...?
Give my your aquinence.
ILLYBRIUS
What's
aquinence?
SHERWQA
Your title.
ILLYBRIUS
Maharus of
Youth and Battle.
SHERWQA
No. That
which you are called by.
EVRYN
That’s
called a name. You just described a name.
EPIPHANY, 🙄
[Yes, we get it. He’s foreign.]
ILLYBRIUS
... Give me
yours first.
SHERWQA
Sherwqa
ILLYBRIUS
And you
are...?
SHERWQA
A drifted.
EVRYN
You’re
driftwood?
FAUSTUS
I'm a
Blackwood.
EVRYN
*soft
whooshing sound* Hear that? That was the sound of me not asking.
ILLYBRIUS
I see. And
Miss Akuma is...?
EPIPHANY
[She's pregnant, and an00b15 Orion Hannibal
is the father!]
FREDDIE
He uses
protection.
EPIPHANY
[And Enjerus are Diffint.]
NATHANIEL
Freddie, you
know this how?
FREDDIE
… I’m a
journalist.
MARIE
That
explains nothing.
FREDDIE
A tabloid
journalist.
TOD
She watches
Hannibal and Will together.
CORRI
Valid.
EVRYN
[Akuma’s pregnant, and Sherwqa is the
father!]
SHERWQA
Is she the
carrier?
ILLYBRIUS
She is my
wife.
EPIPHANY
[I hate Sharuka already.]
DREPANON
It’s
actually spelled S-H-E-R-W-Q-A. Which you would know if you read the subtitles.
FREDDIE
It’s
actually spelled I-D-G-A-F.
MARIE
True facts.
SHERWQA
She is
Enzeru. A child of angels.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
EPIPHANY, 🙄
[We know. They rarely shut up about it. Get to the
fucking point.]
FREDDIE
… Phrasing?
SHERWQA
Are you as
well?
ILLYBRIUS
Only by
marriage.
EVRYN
Yeah, he’s
like half demigod, half demon, I think, by birth.
ILLYBRIUS
Tell me, have the moons been good for hunt?
SHERWQA
That they
have. Not many know that greeting. How do you know it?
ILLYBRIUS
A child of
Rathos is among my group.
EVRYN
And he’s
being fed those lines.
FLUOU
[Translation: Caleb was spoon-feeding Illybrius
these answers as Illybrius told Caleb what Sherwqa was saying.]
SHERWQA
A child...?
That has not happened since my time. Tell this child it is well-received.
ILLYBRIUS
I will be
certain to.
SHERWQA
I am sorry
to have convealed to your astinence. Please forgive thine mistake.
EVRYN
And in
English, that means...?
TOD
As someone
who doesn’t speak English as a first language, And It Shows, Sherwqa going
about this terribly poorly.
EPIPHANY
[That’s why I hate him!]
ILLYBRIUS
Certainly.
EVRYN
"Forgive
thine mistake" means "forgive your mistake," for one.
EPIPHANY
[In an excessively familiar way.]
["Thou" is the English "tu".]
NATHANIEL
Corri wants
someone to forgive a mistake in an excessively familiar way? That sounds pretty
on-brand for her, actually.
SHERWQA
I only
wished to wake to this new world around me. Please, I mean no harm.
TOD
I invite
you, please, to return to your slumber.
ILLYBRIUS
I
understand.
EVRYN
That makes
one of us.
TOD
I am
perfectly capable of understanding, I merely mislike.
EVRYN
… riiiight.
SHERWQA
I take my
triune from you sine.
EVRYN
Translation?
Tod, Fluou? Anyone?
TOD
Nežiūrėk į
mane. Už tai man nemoka.
FLUOU
[Translation: Don’t look at me. I don’t get paid
for this.]
EVRYN
… I meant
translate for Sherwqa.
FLUOU
[Oh.]
[No, thank you.]
STRAWBERRY
He said, “I
take my ass off your stage.”
AHRRY
HEE-HAW!
HEE-HAW! FUCK YOU! HEE-HAW!
STRAWBERRY
I bet he
would, too.
SHERWQA
Until we
meet next. Tell her my power is for her use. Maybe it will be used wisely this
time around.
EVRYN
God, no
wonder he's got such a bit part. This guy makes no sense whatsoever.
TOD
Aš
nežinojau, kad norint dalyvauti šioje laidoje, būtina būti suprantamam.
FLUOU
[Translation: I didn’t know you had to make
sense to be on this show.]
[SHERWQA fades back to AKUMA]
ILLYBRIUS
Farewell.
AKUMA
Farewell?
Where am I going?
STRAWBERRY
Hopefully,
to Hell!
EVRYN
We don’t
want to deal with her, either.
ILLYBRIUS
My
apologies. I assumed you were leaving.
AKUMA
What? We
were talking about weapons. I'm –
EPIPHANY
[She's pregnant, and an00b15 Orion Hannibal
Désmoda is the father!]
DESMODA
[...]
EPIPHANY
[ I was running out of names]
TRENT
Serena would
have made more sense.
SERENA
HEY! CAPTAIN
SOCIAL SKILLS! You don’t say shit like that.
NATHANIEL
Whoa. I’m
not used to Serena calling Trent out.
AKUMA
--not going
anywhere yet, Kibito.
EPIPHANY makes wringing motions with her hands
EVRYN poses
Tree?
ILLYBRIUS
Oh! Oh, I'm
sorry, I drifted off. I was talking in my sleep.
TRENT
Okay, I
believe you! 😀
AKUMA
Oh. So, you
were saying about the weapons?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, I was
saying that you might feel free to take any weapons from the first floor of the
Tower, the exterior which I used for target practice.
AKUMA
Really?
Thanks. I favor quick weapons, but like a bit of power with them, too.
ILLYBRIUS
They're all
unbreakable. In fact, I'm surprised my tower hadn't shattered with them.
EPIPHANY
[ Is that a euphemism for his pe]
EPIPHANY
Dammit.
EVRYN
What?
EPIPHANY pouts
Rarker man
out.
EVRYN
Think of a
bunch of little kids constructing a giant house out of shiny red things. It's
got a first floor, an unusable second floor, lots of balconies on the second
floor, and it's overrun with plants. Then there are a bunch of huge obelisks,
and then there's a tower smack in the middle of the first floor. The tower
rises up above all the obelisks and is rumoured to hold prisoners. It makes
more sense in the book.
FALCON
Does it,
though?
AKUMA smiles
It must be a
good tower. I don't remember if I saw it there or not last time I was there.
ILLYBRIUS
It's
difficult to miss. You'd have seen it upon entering the palace unless you
teleported into my room.
AKUMA
I opened a
portal to where your energy was clearest.
ILLYBRIUS
Ah, then you
did not enter the palace from the ground directly outside. That would explain
your having missed the tower.
AKUMA
I should
have seen it, though, on Wraith's Hallow, though. I just can't remember.
EVRYN
I hate it
when people write fanfiction without paying attention to the book.
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