Ep. 117.2 - Goodbye

 TITLE

Goodbye

 

Thu, Nov 13, 2008 at 10:26 PM

 

ILLYBRIUS

Drake made me see how much everyone hates me.

 

ROSEMARY

We do, but they are mostly restricted to the government.

 

EPIPHANY

[You mean restricted BY the government.]

 

ILLYBRIUS

I'm leaving.

 

ROSEMARY

I'm sorry, don't leave! I am so sorry!

 

REIYA

Begone! Ignore the woman behind the curtain!

 

ILLYBRIUS

If you speak with Maheone.... please tell him that I love him.

 

EVRYN takes a shot

 

EPIPHANY

[No-one on this show has actually spoken to Maheone yet if you don't count pre-canon.]

 

ILLYBRIUS

I told you not to leave....

 

ORION

Illybrius please don't leave me.

 

ERNEST slams his wine glass down

 

ERNEST

Shut the fuck up with that DARVO bullshit!

 

ORION

I didn't know what Drake did until I heard you just now. Don't worry though. I've taken care of him and he won't do this again.

 

EPIPHANY

["Taken care of him" like the demon mafia?]

 

TOD

Despite popular belief, if he was really in the mob, he wouldn’t really be allowed to say that… would he?

 

STRAWBERRY

I think it’s more just common sense that he shouldn’t.

 

ORION

I'm sorry.

 

SERLEINA

SORRY YOU GOT CAUGHT! I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS! HA! HA HA!

 

ROSEMARY

Do you watch TV?

 

EPIPHANY

[The cops do!]

 

STRAWBERRY

Like I said.

 

AHRRY

And then we watch Cops! Bad boys, bad boys, what cha gonna do? Eat some fucking doughnuts, I bet!

 

ORION

I'll see you tonight.

 

ROSEMARY

Do I bore you?

 

EVRYN

No, but he does. I’ll bet you confuse most of the audience, though.

 

ROSEMARY

Excellent!

 

ORION

And if you didn't notice...

 

ROSEMARY

If I didn't think.

 

ORION

Your wife came back.

 

ROSEMARY

I don't have a wife.

 

USAGI

It's Usagi—

 

ROSEMARY

No it isn't.

 

MARIE

New canon: Usagi is Rosemary’s wife. Congratulations to the happy couple.

 

FAUSTUS

You mean “malewife”.

 

TOD

Do you presume to have the audacity to correct Senor Marie the Plushie Lady?

 

FAUSTUS

… My mistake.

 

USAGI

-- and it's partly good and partly bad.

 

ROSEMARY

Burritos?

 

USAGI

Yes, those are partly good and partly bad, but I am on a diet.

 

EVRYN

Yes, but usually your diet has nothing to actually do with food.

 

USAGI

I... just don't like burritos.

 

ROSEMARY

Well they don't like your face.

 

MARIE

Oh no, a marital dispute.

 

NATHANIEL

But a much more interesting one than usually happens on this show.

 

EPIPHANY

[I was about to say that this show is almost nothing BUT marital disputes!]

 

FREDDIE

There’s also all the premarital disputes!

 

USAGI

He WAS going to cry himself to death-- his heart ruptured-- but Maheone got to him first and managed to heal him.

 

EPIPHANY

[That doesn't work. Crying does not work like that.]

 

EVRYN

*sighs irritably* It does for Illybrius, because Illybrius is a demon-thing from another dimension, and things just work differently there.

 

SERLEINA

ALSO! ILLYBRIUS IS A MASSIVE CLICHÉ AND HE CRIES TEARS OF BLOOD! LIKE MY SOUL!

 

EPIPHANY

[Your soul's made of tears of blood, or your soul cries tears of blood?]

 

SERLEINA

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

 

EPIPHANY

[So your soul is made of tears of blood that are crying tears of blood.]

 

SERLEINA

Yo dawg, I heard you like tears of blood!

 

ROSEMARY

To have his kneecap split and his body burned away.

 

TOD

Sounds like the demon mafia, all right.

 

USAGI

The bad part is he's regressed about a year, give or take 6,949.

 

EPIPHANY

[No! That is an unacceptably large margin of error!]

 

EVRYN

...He hasn't physically aged in almost seven thousand years. What did you expect?

 

EPIPHANY

[Oh, he meant in regards to MATURITY, not chronological age.]

[Oops.]

 

EVRYN

It's sad when the six-year-old is the most mature person on the show.

 

OVD

Wait till we get a character who's chronologically six.

 

EVRYN

Hey, how come you get to do spoilers?

 

OVD

Because I'm the Omniscient Voice of the Director!

 

ROSEMARY

Oh.

 

USAGI

He's exactly like he was just before he turned 19, which means he doesn't really....

 

ROSEMARY

This is Halloween, This is Halloween.

 

[CUE MUSIC: This Is Halloween]

 

USAGI

He treated me like a whore, which he's never done. Usually he RESPECTS MY DIET!

 

ROSEMARY

And what's so bad about that?

 

MARIE

Maybe fiat-ing this marriage was a bad idea.

 

TOD, gleefully

No takebacksies!

 

SERLEINA

HEY, SOME PEOPLE ARE INTO THAT!

 

SIGYN

And that's why I don't like you around my uncle.

 

SERLEINA

Oh, I thought your jealousy and possessiveness issues were why you didn't like me around your uncle.

 

SIGYN

... I mean...

 

EVRYN

I think what she's trying to say is, "Porque no los dos?"

 

CIN

Gesundheit.

 

MARIE

Cinnamon, you’re terrible.

 

CIN

Hold on, I’m looking for something equally obvious to state in rebuttal.

 

USAGI

I'll get him here in an hour or so but don't have high hopes

 

ORION

No. It's fine.

 

ROSEMARY

What was your name again?

 

EVRYN

No-one cares. Just call him “Onion”.

 

ROSEMARY

Does that mean I can put him in the food processor?

 

TOD

Yes.

 

EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl

[Why does she get to put him in the food processor and I don’t?]

 

OVD

Because life isn’t fair. More importantly, she asked if she CAN, not if she MAY.

 

ROSEMARY

It’s not May, it’s [insert actual month here]

 

ORION

I...I've decided to go home.

 

EPIPHANY

[ I hope he stays there.]

 

ORION

Back to the demon realm.

 

ROSEMARY

Now you're talking jibberish.

 

EVRYN

What else is new?

 

ORION

I'm not needed here anymore.

 

EPIPHANY

[THAT'S NOT NEW. JUST GO ALREADY.]

 

ORION

Tell him thank you. Adios, bitchachos.

 

SERLEINA

BITCH NACHOS? WE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE HERE.

 

EVRYN

Note to self: Talk to Mum about adding "Bitch Nachos" to the menu.

 

SERLEINA

I DO NOT VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!

 

TOD

I volunteer Sayida as tribute!

 

EVRYN

Ooh, good idea!

 

NATE

Bold of you to imply anyone wants to eat—

 

FAUSTUS retching loudly and dramatically