Mr. McRapeypants, part 2 | November 19, 2008 at 7:13 p.m.

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Mr. McRapeypants, part 2

 

November 19, 2008 at 7:13 p.m.

 

BRITNEY:

You have two minutes.

 

EVRYN:

You waited twenty minutes just to tell him that?

 

ILLYBRIUS:

I apologise for my cousin's stupidity.  I'd like to make it up to you if I can. Tell me how, please.

 

BRITNEY:

I see no reason to continue our talks. It is apparent that I can no longer trust you.

 

*BRING, BRING!*

*BRING, BRING!*

*BRING, BRING!*

 

SERLEINA

BRITNEY, YOUR PHONE IS RINGING.

 

*BRING!*

 

SERLEINA

TEXT MESSAGE! Oh look, it's from Onion's mom. She says:

"I'm a little kettle

Short and stout

Here is my handle

Here is my spout

Britney, you're a fucking hypocrite and ought to be ashamed of yourself

Marta Out."

 

LENA

I have a feeling the real Kettle would approve.

 

(BRRING!)

 

LENA, phone pose

Soapbox Central, how may we ruin your day?... Oh, you saw it?... I thought so! Okay, bye!

 

ILLYBRIUS:

You can trust ME, but not her. I understand if you're reluctant, but please at least give me a test of some sort.

 

BRITNEY:

I don't trust either of you. As far as I am concerned, our business and your time is up.

 

ILLYBRIUS:

... Please reconsider. Damn, I'd meant to uphold my end of the bargain, but it seems I'm a few minutes late. Is it too late?

 

BRITNEY:

Kill the White One. Now.

 

ILLYBRIUS:

Very well. Illyvium alye cefol'krya

 

EVRYN:

For those of you who don't speak Drakoste, he just said "Balance the scales and end life."

 

ENON dies (or possibly fakes his own death)

 

ILLYBRIUS:

There. He's cute as a corpse.

 

SERLEINA

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

 

SIGYN

It's not what *I* said, what the fuck?!

 

AKUMA

I GOT ANOTHER ONE! Hey, it's a good thing the small rude doctor isn't here. I don't LIKE the Xaldins throwing things.

 

BRITNEY:

Good.

 

AKUMA

Oh, screw you! Metaphorically!

 

SERLEINA

HEY THAT'S ONE! I'll mark Tiny Doc's card for her.

 

ILLYBRIUS runs a blade across Enon's vein.

 

ILLYBRIUS:

Oh. You wanted blood?

 

ILLYBRIUS

It's on the knife. I don't think postmortem wounds shed blood. Do you want him anywhere in particular?

 

REIYA

Well, you could— Never mind.

 

BRITNEY:

No. You've done enough. Now that I have what I need, you can keep them both.

 

ILLYBRIUS:

Thank you.

I suppose my major weakness—

 

EVRYN

Major Weakness.

 

ILLYBRIUS

— is that I don't want to let you go. Until I unbind our bodies, I'll still be here.

 

BRITNEY fades to MAHEONE

 

MAHEONE:

Illyria-briucce... I'm so sorry this ever happened.

 

ILLYBRIUS:

So am I.

 

MAHEONE:

You can let me go. Drake has me in check for now.

 

ILLYBRIUS:

I don't want to.

 

MAHEONE

I need to go back to Bliu. I need to heal.

 

ILLYBRIUS

But— Bliu's fine. One of our number just got back from checking on him. I can heal you.

 

MAHEONE

He's fine because Blake is keeping him that way.

 

EVRYN

But I thought Blake was keeping you in check.

 

ILLYBRIUS

No! I can't— I can't let you leave!

 

MAHEONE

I'll be back. I just need to rest and heal. I promise.

 

ILLYBRIUS

I don't want you to go.

 

ILLYBRIUS clings to Maheone.

 

MAHEONE

Illyria-briucce, I want to stay, but this body can't heal me in the way I need to.

 

EVRYN

Bullshit. It's your own damn body and it's worked fine before.

 

ILLYBRIUS

I can. If you wanted to stay, you'd stay. You're—

 

CIN

For the love of Heimdall—

 

SIGYN

NO! WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!

 

CIN

The side of sounding more educated than the PLEBIANS.

 

META

Hear, hear.

 

CIN

Shut up, Meta. Lee— be a fucking man already! You have Orion to keep you busy, if that's what you want, so let him heal!

 

ILLYBRIUS

Cinnamon, what's wrong with you?

 

MAHEONE

I must agree. This is not normal.

 

EVRYN

How would YOU know? You never speak to the girl.

 

CIN

Nothing's wrong, except that I'm sick of listening to you whine. I'm sick of weak men in general. You used to be so strong. What happened? Now you're as weak as my fiancé.

 

TOD

Fuck off. Separation anxiety doesn't make someone weak.

 

EVRYN

Sounds like you should, I dunno, get a new fiancé.

 

SIGYN

It's not like playing cards. She can't just pick a new one out of the deck.

 

DREPANON

...

 

SERLEINA

Not that I care, but is something WRONG, Drepanon?

 

DREPANON

I was waiting for her phone to go off.

 

SIGYN

I didn't call off my engagement to find someone else, so I'm not sure where you think you're going with that.

 

MAHEONE

Illyria-briucce is the strongest person I know. He has grown into someone that I love even more than before.

 

ILLYBRIUS

What has gotten into you?

 

EVRYN

He doesn't know, but he wishes you would.

 

MARIE

It's Corri's hand up his butt.

 

SERLEINA

NOBBY.

 

MARIE

Not to step on Commentary, but who would even like Maheone anymore if THAT is the darkness inside his heart?

 

CIN

You would think so, wouldn't you?

 

EVRYN

It's not even the darkness inside his heart. It's Corri's hand up his bum, like you said.

 

SIGYN

*I* like—

 

MARIE

If that was what it really was, as Illybrius and company currently believe.

 

DREPANON

Yeah, that guy was kind of a douche.

 

(BRRRING!!!)

 

DREPANON

Gods damn it.

 

SIGYN

Well, yes, it is YOUR property. Didn't we establish earlier that God literally gave up on you?

 

SERLEINA

TEXT MESSAGE! I don't get it.

 

SIGYN

What does it say?

 

CIN

Let me see. OH!

🎵 For the douche, for the douche, for the motherfucking douche

Thought it was a perfect party

Now it's just another Harvati, 🎵

or something

 

DREPANON

Mm, cheese. My Trademark Favorite Food™

 

OVD

These references are getting out of hand.

 

DREPANON

Don't blame me. I didn't write ANY of my lines.

 

EVRYN

That's because you haven't DEBUTED yet!

 

MARIE

Also, stay away from my gouda. Now let's continue.

 

SERLEINA

AS THE PROTAGONIST FOR THIS EPISODE, I fully support that.

 

CIN

The great Maharus Maheone, who won't even take time out of his busy schedule to talk to his children, who lets himself get infected by shades.

 

EVRYN

Is "shades" code for "chlamydia"?

 

CIN

Tell me, how is your ever-so-fulfilling career of fucking with innocent peoples' lives?

 

EPIPHANY

   [ It's going quite merrily, actually.]

   [Thanks for asking.]

 

   CIN

   I was talking to him, but I'm glad it's going well for you.

 

   EPIPHANY grins

 

SERLEINA

Hey, Doc! Here's your Bingo card! Akuma had one during the lights-out scene.

 

EPIPHANY, 😀, holding card

Thanks!

 

MAHEONE

I see. You…

 

CIN

You see nothing.

 

MAHEONE

I see the pain I have caused, but I have no way to correct them at this time.

 

CIN

Oh, they forgive you. Everybody does. Well, except me.

 

MAHEONE

A personal vendetta, then.

 

CIN

I love Bliu.

 

EVRYN takes a shot.

 

MAHEONE

I understand that.

 

CIN

I really don't know what to do about it. I cannot afford to have love hamper me. Not when I'm making such progress. But I do love him, and he cares nothing for me.

 

EPIPHANY

   [Drop him like a hot potato.]

   [ It'll be less annoying in the long run]

 

SEBASTIAN

I'm in this fic and I don't like it.

 

SIGYN

But—

 

EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl

[YOU, TOO.]

 

MAHEONE

That I cannot help with. I have no influence over him.

 

CIN

You wouldn't if you could. You know, he treats me similarly to how you treated Larlia?

 

MAHEONE

I know that. However, I can do nothing for it.

 

CIN

Of course not. You're just as weak as Lee is.

 

EPIPHANY

   [Only AS weak?]

 

   CIN

   Point. We swam together today, Bliu and I. He won't remember any of it in the morning but you know the ONLY time he's willing to spend with me, and you're not there. Coincidence.

 

MAHEONE

So are you saying I should let my soul pass on so you can be happy, then?

 

TOD

Yes, I don't see a downside to that.

 

EPIPHANY

   [Wouldn't be a bad idea, considering that Corri's been writing your lines.]

 

CIN

No.

 

EVRYN

So Maheone, are you saying your penis IS smaller than a baby pickle?

 

MAHEONE

Then what do you want from me?

 

[CUE MUSIC: What Do You Want From Me by Adam Lambert]

 

   EPIPHANY

   [That counts as a "yes", right?]

 

   EVRYN

   It's Adam Lambert. Of course it does.

 

CIN

Something you cannot deliver.

 

EVRYN

Like an orgasm, for instance.

 

SIGYN

Hey, a girl can hope!

 

DREPANON

... I... Snacks.

 

[exit DREPANON]

 

MARIE

The water's poisoned, by the way!

 

OVD

THANKS, MARIE.

 

MARIE

Do you want poop on the set again? I don't want poop on the set again!

 

OVD

What, it was washed off! You just took away my favorite form of entertainment! I hate your faaaace.

 

MAHEONE

Then how can I make things right?

 

OVD

Poison Drepanon another w—

...

oh fuck me.

 

MAHEONE

No thank—

 

MAHEONE and the rest of the cast are SUDDENLY SUBMERGED.

 

CIN, surfacing

That was the signal, right?

 

SIGYN

Right!

 

DREPANON

Could you maybe not do that when I'm wearing full armor? I feel like it defeats the purpose of an honor-flooding.

 

CIN, wide innocent sparkle-eyes

But why would I want to wait?

 

ILLYBRIUS

You shouldn't talk to her in this state.

 

CIN, carrying Drepanon on her back like a turtle shell made of armour and fail

You know what, good point. Maheone can carry him.

 

CIN swims out from under Drepanon, who sinks like a rock covered in a shell of armour and fail.

 

MAHEONE

I'm not taking the trash out—

 

(BRRRING!)

 

SERLEINA

Holy fuck, dude. Your tech is ADVANCED.

 

MAHEONE

Like you said, this was edited in 2018. I'm sure they have water-resistant phones by then.

 

SEBASTIAN

It's 2026 and no we don't.

 

EVRYN

Apparently Illybrius does, however, have grey hair by now.

 

SEBASTIAN

I'm not—Oh, fuck it, I don't really care that hard.

 

SIGYN dives down and collects Drepanon, then swims to the surface and out the window.

 

[OUTSIDE]

 

THE FICUS KNOWN AS OVD

Can you girls maybe STOP FLOODING THE FUCKING STUDIO? It's starting to get annoying.

 

DREPANON

"Starting".

 

OVD

Shut up or I'll tell them to let your demon ass drown next time.

 

AHRRY

Moo, I swim like a fish!

 

ILLYBRIUS

She's giving Ori hell as well. I don't know what's happened, but she told Ori it was temporary.

 

MAHEONE

Illyria-briucce, are you okay?

 

ILLYBRIUS

She wants to tell you to find a way to get her Bliu, but we all know you cannot do that.

 

CIN

Of course he's not okay! He's clearly miserable!

 

EVRYN

Yes, but at least he has his water floaties.

 

DREPANON

Why didn't I get issued any water floaties?

 

SERLEINA

Because it's bring your own floaties!

 

DREPANON

If I ran my army like this, we'd be doing drills in someone's basement! And we can't do that! That's where the auction girls are kept!

 

AKUMA

Don't remiiiind meeeee.

 

STRAWBERRY

You know you're not supposed to tell people where you keep them, right?

 

MARIE

Drepanon, I forbid you from speaking for the rest of the episode. Production fiat.

 

DREPANON

Nah.

 

MARIE, eyes glowing

Away with ye!

 

DREPANON vanishes, then comes right back, and then Audience One and Two drag his demon ass off-screen.

 

MAHEONE

I would prefer if you let him answer my question.

 

EVRYN

And I would prefer if you took your poor impersonation of the real Maheone and shoved it up your ass before drinking a bottle of Jack and motorbike-racing Désmoda.

 

EPIPHANY

   [Jumping off a cliff would be simpler.]

 

   EVRYN

   But my way of saying it is so much more creative.

 

   EPIPHANY

   [True.]

 

THRENODY

Aww, but I wanted him to Hail Jaden!

 

DESMODA

You know, I would probably run him off the side of the cliff for funsies.

 

SIGYN

Where did YOU come from?

 

DESMODA

Touche.

 

CIN

We can't always get what we want.

 

MAHEONE, rolling his eyes, in an annoyed tone:

I can tell.

 

   EPIPHANY

   [Can you say "passive-aggressive"?]

 

   EVRYN

   Passive-aggressive. Why do you ask?

 

   EPIPHANY looks pointedly at Maheone

 

CIN shrugs

Fine, talk to him. Talk to your god-turned-bloodbag. I'm through. With all of this.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Maheone, I, I have to let you return to Bliu. I don't want to let you go, but I have to.

 

ILLYBRIUS kisses Maheone

 

ILLYBRIUS

I'll be alright if Ori doesn't leave too.

 

EPIPHANY

   [LEAVE, ONION! LEAVE!]

 

MAHEONE

Are you sure?

 

EPIPHANY

[Of course I'm sure!]

[Do you even WATCH the show?]

 

MAHEONE, without an accent

Honestly, I try to avoid it.

 

ILLYBRIUS

If you can tell me you'll be here soon in the future, yes.

 

REIYA

  Does this involve time travel? It had better involve time travel.

 

EPIPHANY, >=[

[ IT HAD BETTER NOT!]

 

   ILLYBRIUS, breaking character, sarcastically

   Yes, it will involve us travelling forward through time at the breakneck pace of one second per second.

 

   EVRYN

   If this show had any sort of time travel in it, we would be able to travel back a few millennia and abort Akuma.

 

REIYA

And the wire coat hanger would probably cause. . . marginally fewer problems than it would solve, if something happened and it got left behind.

 

EVRYN

   I would have used a baseball bat or a log of some sort.

 

REIYA

A sturdy enough stick from a period-appropriate tree might more-or-less do the same job as a coat hanger, without screwing with future archaeologists.

 

DESMODA

Guys, can we—

 

EPIPHANY, >=[

[NO TIME TRAVEL.]

[WE ARE DONE DISCUSSING THIS.]

 

DESMODA

As I was about to say.

 

SERLEINA

HEY WAIT! I JUST REALIZED DREPANON HIJACKED MY PROTAGONIST ROLE! DAMN HIM!

 

DESMODA

But he's— okay.

 

MAHEONE

I promise, Illyria-briucce. I will come back to you. I'll always come back to you.

 

EVRYN

Dude, you're an imposter. Don't be making promises that the real you can't keep.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Nobody can promise that, but thank you. I don't want you to end up like Jack.

 

EVRYN offers flask to Illybrius.

 

EVRYN

All I got out of that last sentence was "I… want… Jack."

 

ILLYBRIUS accepts flask and chugs.

 

EVRYN

Hey! Save some for Commentary! I have a very, very trying job, you know.

 

MAHEONE

Illyria-briucce, I promise. And you can always come to me too. I would never turn you away.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Evil You would. Is he gone?

 

MAHEONE

I think so.

 

EPIPHANY flips through the script

   [ I don't see the name "Britney" anywhere.]

   [ I think we're safe.]

 

ILLYBRIUS

Good.

 

ILLYBRIUS sniffles and kisses Maheone goodbye

 

MAHEONE holds Illybrius close and kisses him.

 

MAHEONE

I will be back. I promise.

 

ILLYBRIUS

I will miss you.

 

EVRYN

I won't. I do kinda miss the real thing, though. From what I hear, he was a pretty awesome dude.

 

MAHEONE

And I you.

 

CIN

Illybrius, you're a simpering bloodbag-lover.

 

LENA

RACIST!

 

CIN

Shut the fuck up, no-one cares.

 

[exit MAHEONE and CIN.]