Mr. McRapeypants, part 3 | November 19, 2008 at 8:08 p.m.

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Mr. McRapeypants, part 3

 

November 19, 2008 at 8:08 p.m.

 

[Enter AKUMA]

 

AKUMA smiles

I hope you are truly happy now, Irubura.

 

STRAWBERRY

Yes. He's truly happy now that he got to rub a Ra. Or a Maheone. Or a …Britney? Fuck it, I wasn't really paying attention.

 

ILLYBRIUS

MISS AKUMA!

 

ILLYBRIUS hugs Akuma tightly.

 

EPIPHANY, smiling

[ I can honestly say I am happy to see you!]

 

REIYA

Why are you TOUCHING her? You're probably infected with plague now!

 

   EVRYN

   Oh my god! Is that glitter on his arms?

 

REIYA

Enjoy your craft-herpes!

 

AKUMA

Hi.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Hello!

 

AKUMA, ^_^

I'm probably disturbing you. I'll talk to you another time.

 

EPIPHANY

[No, no, no, please stay.]

[You are so much more bearable than Britney.]

 

NATHANIEL

BINGO!

 

REIYA

You are disturbing us very much. Go away and don't come back.

 

EPIPHANY

[DON'T LISTEN TO HER!]

 

ILLYBRIUS

You're not. It's good to see that someone around here hasn't been, I mean—

 

AKUMA

I know. I was eavesdropping.

 

REIYA

You're always eavesdropping on someone.

 

EPIPHANY

[ I was going to blame the Corri HiveMind™.]

 

ILLYBRIUS

Good, then you know. I'm as shaken up as Usagi.

 

AKUMA

I can tell. How are you faring?

 

ILLYBRIUS

Irked at Cinnamon for calling me a simpering bloodbag-lover. I'll be fine when I get this mess cleaned up.

 

AKUMA

I am more concerned for your health, Kibito.

 

EVRYN poses

Tree?

 

ILLYBRIUS

I want to know what to make of this.

 

AKUMA

I can't help you there. I'm sorry.

 

ILLYBRIUS

I've made a halberd, a grail, and twin swords. Now I don't know.

 

AKUMA

A heart.

 

ILLYBRIUS

*laughs* Whatever for?

 

MARIE

Like, a stylized heart, or an anatomically-correct heart?

 

CIN

Either way, though, doesn't sound particularly useful.

 

SIGYN

Make a replacement heart for Drepanon so he can feel actual empathy, maybe.

 

EVRYN

That's a brain malfunction, not a cardiac malfunction. I think. Also, Blackout!

 

TOKIOMI walks over and hands Evryn a Fuck.

 

NATHANIEL

Hey, where's my Fuck?

 

TOKIOMI

Oh, sorry. Um… Yeah… Listen, how about I owe you one?

 

NATHANIEL

Sure, okay, I'm cool with that.

 

ILLYBRIUS

I know what I'll make.

 

TOKIOMI

A pillow fortress!

 

ILLYBRIUS

What the fuck?

 

EVRYN

No, you can't have it! It's mine! I earned it!

 

CORRI hands Illybrius her Fuck.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Oh... no, that's okay. I don't require or desire a Fuck from either of you.

 

AKUMA, also holding out a Fuck

Call me sentimental.

 

OVD

Where did you even GET that?!

 

AKUMA

My lawyer says I'm not allowed to answer that question.

 

ILLYBRIUS

You'll love this, then.

 

ILLYBRIUS turns his back and works quickly.

 

AKUMA

What are you making now, Kibito?

 

EVRYN poses

Tree?

 

REIYA

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

 

   EVRYN readies flaming arrows

  

   OVD

   Evryn, you may not shoot flaming arrows at your coworkers.

 

REIYA

WHY THE FUCK NOT?

 

   OVD

   Because then we'll have to recast Akuma.

 

REIYA

I fail to see a problem with this.

 

   OVD

   ...Akuma won't be gone from the show. Her actress, however, will be in critical condition

 

REIYA

I fail to see a problem with this.

 

   OVD

   You'll be treating the symptom and not the cause.

 

REIYA

She's nearly as obnoxious as her character.

 

   OVD

   ... It's in her contract.

 

REIYA

To annoy me as much as possible?

 

   OVD

   No. She has difficulty getting into character, so it's in her contract that she has to STAY in character from the time she arrives on set to the time she goes home.

 

   EPIPHANY

   [. . . Oh.]

   [You poor, poor woman.]

 

   EVRYN

   She's the best we could get on our budget.

 

ILLYBRIUS hands Akuma a necklace and an anklet

 

ILLYBRIUS

Here. A necklace. It's onyx beads, see, with a winged tiger pendant.

 

AKUMA, flatly

It's beautiful.

 

EVRYN

I think she's as annoyed that it wasn't a Fuck, as the other prods team member is that Drepanon was Dre-banished.

 

MARIE

It's only until the end of the episode!

 

SIGYN makes distressed arms flailing and a very accurate Akuma noise

 

OVD

Hey, the stage direction "makes distressed arms flailing" isn't supposed to come into play until 2010!

 

SIGYN

MAYBE SOME OF US LIKE EARLY DEBUTS! YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!

 

SERLEINA

... Y... I... I'm not sure which card—

 

TOKIOMI

The first one.

 

ILLYBRIUS

The anklet, the gold chain with the little topaz hearts, wasn't from the blood. My mother thought you might like it.

 

AKUMA, ^_^

I guess I'll have to thank her before I go, then.

 

ILLYBRIUS

*sighs* I wish you hadn't given up your ability to bear children.

 

LENA

It's her fucking choice whether or not she wants to have kids, so ease up!

 

ILLYBRIUS

I was undecided, you know, not adamantly against the idea.

 

AKUMA

Who told you?

 

ILLYBRIUS

Your dear brother.

 

REIYA

Apparently, not minding your own damn business runs in the family.

 

TOKIOMI

HEY THAT ONE'S TRUE! Smack-talk Bingo!

 

TOKIOMI collects his Fuck from Akuma, then gives it to Nathaniel.

 

NATHANIEL

… How about I trade this for an actual fuck, later?

 

SERLEINA

YOU GOTTA TAKE THAT UP WITH ME, BUDDY.

 

NATHANIEL

You have a personal bouncer?

 

TOKIOMI

I have a personal girlfriend.

 

NATHANIEL

Oh. … So, is it okay?

 

SERLEINA

It's up to Tokiomi. I don't own his body.

 

NATHANIEL

I'm so confused right now.

 

AKUMA

I will hurt him.

 

ILLYBRIUS

You do that.

 

AKUMA

I can get it back. I just have to ask Anubis. I MEAN— SHIT! I HAVE TO CALL MY LAWYER! I FUCKED UP!

 

EVRYN

Sorry, he's not in. Would you like to ask an00b15 instead?

 

REIYA

That's just Drepanon in a Terra suit! Who wants to ask Drepanon in a Terra suit anything?

 

SIGYN

Um—

 

REIYA

BESIDES that. And wasn't he Dre-banished?

 

MARIE, firmly

Yes.

 

   EPIPHANY

   [Anubis, if you're watching this, I am so, so sorry.]

   [Both because Corri's appropriating your name for things you'd never do, and because the writing on this show is pretty terrible and you'll probably need brain bleach by the end of the episode]

 

EVRYN

Agreed.

 

EPIPHANY

[To the rest of you in the audience,]

[ I know that removing the internal organs and putting them in jars was part of the traditional embalming process, but ANUBIS DOES NOT PERFORM HYSTERECTOMIES]

   [He does not UNDO them, either!]

[For ACTUAL divine assistance in matters of fertility, please consult your local fertility god/dess.]

   [They're called that for a reason.]

 

EVRYN

The local fertility god is Maheone.

 

EPIPHANY

[... Maybe someone a little less local, then.]

 

SIGYN

So, Frey? Can we even get Frey on this show?

 

OVD

That's for a whole nother plotline.

 

SIGYN

Artemis, then?

 

OVD

Wouldn't touch this show with a 40-foot pole.

 

SIGYN

I don't particularly blame her. Okay, what about Eros or Dionysis?

 

OVD

Let me make this simple. We've asked ALL of this world's fertility gods and goddesses for assistance, and they're ALL stuck in Negotiations waiting in line to iron out the fine points of their contracts. We may even need to hire a second Negotiator.

 

ILLYBRIUS, ^_^

You do that too.

 

OVD

Yeah, if we could GET anyone to work with our first Negotiator.

 

AKUMA

I just need to know how long to stay now.

 

REIYA

Leave. Now.

 

EPIPHANY

[Stay as long as it will prevent Britney from returning!]

 

ILLYBRIUS

*sighs* That is up to you. I wish you wouldn't go at all, you now, but if you must, you must.

 

AKUMA

I don't have to go. I figured it would be for the best.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Why's that?

 

AKUMA

I… I don't really know.

 

REIYA

You didn't think that through at all, did you?

  

ILLYBRIUS frowns

It sounds odd.

 

AKUMA

For the first time in a long time, I realize just how much I don't belong here.

 

REIYA

When was the LAST time you realised it?

 

ILLYBRIUS

You're not going to start acting like Rubéhaus.

 

AKUMA

No.

 

ILLYBRIUS

You belong wherever you set your mind to belong.

 

AKUMA

Lee, my home is Remirum. I might have been born here, but…

 

REIYA

GO BACK THERE. NEVER RETURN.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Fine. Perhaps I should go back to my true home too? Send Usagi back to Boston?

 

AKUMA

No. I… I just want to go once. But I get the feeling that if I go, I'll never come back.

 

REIYA

DO IT!

 

ILLYBRIUS

Here's an idea: I'll go home too and take Maheone, Cinnamon, Albireo, and Rubéhaus with me.

 

EVRYN

Albireo is one of Cinnamon's sisters. Her Incarnate is known as Sera.

 

AKUMA

I love you.

 

EVRYN takes a shot.

 

AKUMA

I love you so much it hurts.

 

EVRYN takes a shot.

 

AKUMA

It would kill me to lose you.

 

EVRYN

Quick! Someone assassinate Illybrius!

 

OVD

His con—

 

EVRYN

FUCK YOU AND THE CONTRACT TOO!

 

OVD

No, thank you. If you want to deal with the wrath of Rumpelstiltskin, that's your business.

 

REIYA

Yikes. So THAT'S why you don't want to try to hire a second Negotiator.

 

ILLYBRIUS shrugs

Doesn't matter. You're so quick to leave.

 

AKUMA

Impare was right.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Of course he was.

 

AKUMA

He always will be first and foremost in your heart and I will only be second-best.

 

TOD

What on earth?! He said that? That's so rude!

 

SERENA

Wait, was this when he was evil?

 

AKUMA

I love you.

 

EVRYN and TOD take a shot

 

AKUMA

 I would die again for your happiness. I only want you to be happy.

 

EPIPHANY

   [When she says "be happy" she means "love me, and hate everyone else"]

 

   EVRYN

   Is that a reference to Princess Tutu?

 

   EPIPHANY looks away

   [. . . Mayyyybe?]

 

TOD, ✨_✨

Yes, it is, and it's MAGNIFICENT!

 

   EVRYN

   It's less contrived than some of the blatant ripoffs the Corri Sues make.

 

SIGYN

Hey, it's not contrived! I have that on a T-shirt!

 

META

She claims she only wears it "ironically". Some of us have doubts.

 

MARIE

She also commissioned that T-shirt.

 

CIN

Actually—

...

No you know what, let's go with that.

 

ILLYBRIUS

You have a strange way of showing it.

 

AKUMA

Forgive me for forgetting how to feel at some point along the line. I am still trying to get used to caring for…

 

ILLYBRIUS

If you want to leave, go ahead. I won't stop you. But I will miss you.

 

AKUMA

This is so hard to put into words! I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE AND I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU! Don't you get it? I can't stand to be away from you.

 

ILLYBRIUS, TOD, and EVRYN

Then don't.

 

MARIE

This is only as difficult as you're making it.

 

TOD

Hear, hear!

 

AKUMA

You make me forget everything. My honor, my pride, my age. Half the time I don't even want to think anymore when I'm around you.

 

EVRYN

You have neither honour nor pride to forget. And I think it's pretty clear that you don't want to think from the way you talk and act.

 

ILLYBRIUS

You say you don't want to leave, yet you assume you don't belong. I don't want you to leave either. If I haven't made that clear by now, it's a lost cause.

 

AKUMA

I just feel out of place. You are so strong and I just want you to be happy.

 

ILLYBRIUS

THEN DON'T FUCKING LEAVE!

 

REIYA

Your Earth Logic means nothing to her.

 

AKUMA kisses Illybrius

 

AKUMA

Then tell me.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Tell you what? I've said all there is to say.

 

AKUMA kisses Illybrius again

 

AKUMA

Tell me that you love me.

 

EVRYN takes a shot.

 

REIYA

And that you hate everyone else.

 

CIN

YES! I mean, um.

 

ILLYBRIUS

I love you.

 

EVRYN takes a shot.

 

ILLYBRIUS

I don't like to say it too often because it loses meaning if said colloquially,

 

TOD

No, it doesn't, in fact.

 

ILLYBRIUS

but I do truly adore you.

 

AKUMA

I love you.

 

EVRYN takes a shot.

 

ILLYBRIUS strokes Akuma's cheek

 

ILLYBRIUS

I know. I love you as well.

 

EVRYN takes a shot.

 

AKUMA hugs Illybrius

 

AKUMA

I only need you.

 

ILLYBRIUS

And food, and water. And oxygen.

 

AKUMA

*giggles* Really cute, Mr. Falcon.

 

ILLYBRIUS

Yes, you are.

 

AKUMA

I will stay. Maybe later on I'll go to Remirum. For now, though, you need me.

 

REIYA

Says who?

 

ILLYBRIUS

*sighs* Do whatever will make you happy.

 

REIYA

I see you've finally come to accept that she is entirely unpleasable.

 

   ILLYBRIUS

   Between you and me, I'll say anything to shut her up.

 

   AKUMA

I just want to visit. And I can do it years down the road and I am not going alone. Which is why you will be coming too.