TITLE
No-One Cares About Skye's Stupid Widower
SETTING
Orion's or Illybrius's room
Sat, Nov 22, 2008
[TIME: 11.00 PM]
ORION grabs Illybrius and "pulles" him to him
ORION
I almost
reached for your throat. I killed many a partner like that.
DREPANON
Are we
allowed to volunteer other people as tribute?
OVD, warningly
Drepanon, NO.
ILLYBRIUS
Beloved, you
wouldn't have killed me.
ORION
Maybe not,
but I don't want to do what my demon asks of me. It likes it when... when you
strangle a person during sex. There is a name for it.
ILLYBRIUS,
TOKIOMI, SIGYN
Breath-play.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't
mind, Ori. I can't die that way.
ORION
Yeah My
demon side feeds off of that really well cause I died that way.
EVRYN
How the hell
do you commit suicide by asphyxiation? You must be very, very stupid.
EPIPHANY
[Apparently, accidental death from auto-erotic
asphyxiation is a lot more common than most people think.]
[Or he might have just hanged himself very poorly.
I think your assessment is correct either way.]
ILLYBRIUS
For one, I
don't need to breathe.
ILLYBRIUS cuddles Orion
ORION
Really? How
come?
EVRYN
Because he's
a demigod?
ILLYBRIUS
I... don't
know.
EVRYN
Alright, you're
BOTH incredibly stupid.
ILLYBRIUS frowns
Minesweeper
has a theory that I'm part demon, but she won't say which part. She also won't
tell me who my father was. Neither will my mother.
ORION
Have any
guesses?
FRED
I'm the
lighting guy!
ILLYBRIUS shrugs
ILLYBRIUS
Someone who
was part demon, maybe?
FRED
I'm the
lighting guy!
ILLYBRIUS
There aren't
many males in Celestia.
FRED
I'm the
lighting guy!
ILLYBRIUS
There were
more back then.
EVRYN
Fred's the
lighting guy! And possibly your father!
…What, no
spoiler warning, OVD?
OVD
I'm the director guy!
[enter MINESWEEPER]
ILLYBRIUS
It's likely
I could even be Larlia's half-brother or uncle.
ORION
Wow.
MINESWEEPER
You're not.
ILLYBRIUS
Now you tell
me.
MINESWEEPER
Don't get
excited; I'm not saying anything more.
ORION
Damn. Note
to self: Stay away from the Minesweeper.
MINESWEEPER
Good luck
with that.
ORION hides behind Illybrius
ORION
Thanks.
MINESWEEPER
Don't be
frightened. I'm the executioner of the land but I would not kill you.
TRENT
Aww, why not?
ORION grabs his pants
ORION
I'm more
worried about your other parts. Maheone told me you weren't picky.
EPIPHANY
[Orion, not all writers are Corri. It is not
appropriate to assume all remotely-sinister characters are rapists until proven
otherwise.]
[That's called "projecting". Or Corri
just being really, really desperate.]
[Also, she's twelve.]
MINESWEEPER
...I'm
physically twelve and I have been for the past 72 years.
EPIPHANY
[See?]
MINESWEEPER
If you must know, I never have… well, you
haven nothing about which to worry. Maheone and Illybrius are trouble-makers.
ORION
I know a
girl that looks for and can rip out throats.
EVRYN
Biblically?
ORION
I know
better.
EVRYN
Oh, good,
you're not THAT much of a paedophile. I was wondering about you.
MINESWEEPER
Whom do you
know would sleep with a twelve-year-old?
EVRYN points to Orion
MINESWEEPER
I am a
virgin and I am likely to stay that way.
ORION
I would if
you asked and I wasn't mated.
EVRYN
Told you so.
SIGYN
EW, THOUGH.
TOKIOMI
REALLY? REALLY?!
*BUZZ, BUZZ*
TOKIOMI
I'll get
that.
TOKIOMI, phone pose
Hello, Pot.
Did you make it back home alright?.... Good.... I didn't know you knew about
that, but okay. I'm gonna hang up now.
TOKIOMI has a very disturbed look on his face.
EPIPHANY
[Let's go with "Corri just being really,
really desperate."]
EVRYN
Her husband
must be withholding sex, or maybe it's just that time of the month.
TOD
There's
nothing wrong with that time of the month.
TRENT
It's my
favourite time to make love!
TOD
That, my
friend, is what is known as "too much information."
FREDDIE
That's what
you're objecting to? Out of all the TMI in this show?
NATHANIEL
Do you even
have a concept of "TMI", Freddie?
ORION
Pyrics aren't
picky.
EVRYN
We've
noticed!
EPIPHANY
[And it's DISGUSTING.]
MINESWEEPER
I wouldn't
ask.
ORION
Then we have
no problem. LEE! Save me!
MINESWEEPER
Oh,
Illybrius, you ARE half-demon, on your mother's side.
[exit MINESWEEPER]
ILLYBRIUS
Well... that
explains a lot about my sister.
EVRYN
Your ADOPTED
sister?
ORION
Right.
ORION bunkers down in the bed.
ILLYBRIUS
She's gone,
Ori.
ORION
Ummm... Lee,
I'll be right back. Kantos just showed up.
ILLYBRIUS, v_v
Who?
ORION
This can't
be good. Oh well. Not my problem.
ILLYBRIUS
Who's
Kantos?
ORION
His name is
Arkantos.
EVRYN
You know,
Arkantos Pleasure, the stripper? You remember him?
ORION
He's... an
immortal. An old friend and at one time lover to Akuma.
EVRYN
Wait, isn't
he asexual? I'm pretty sure he claimed to be asexual at some point.
EPIPHANY
[Corri probably believes in "corrective
rape". Kind of like how she believes in all other forms of rape.]
EVRYN
Rape isn't
glasses! It doesn't fix anything!
EPIPHANY
[ I know that, and YOU know that, and Corri MIGHT
know that, but we both know she'd burst into flames if she ever tried to admit
it.]
EVRYN
Oh, you
mean, kind of like when she sets foot in a church?
SKYE
Woo--
EVRYN
Shut UP,
Skye! NO-ONE cares about your stupid widower!
ORION
He vanished
about 300 years ago. Akuma will not be happy to see him. Anyway, that
Minesweeper scares me.
EPIPHANY
[Does she actually scare you, or do you just want
her to not show up anymore because she's not sexually available?]
SKYE
Woooooooooooo-oooo!
EVRYN
Skye, I
think you and I need to have a serious talk about what does and does not count
as "available".
SKYE
W-woo?
Worri-wooooooooo!
EVRYN
I know she
did, but that's really no excuse. You're dead now and you should know better.
ILLYBRIUS
Well, the
woman who kidnapped her and forced her to be the executioner is the one you
ought to fear. Minesweeper herself is very innocent despite her job and wouldn't
hurt anybody who has not broken a law.
ORION
Ah. Still.
Scary. And there he goes with a black eye and busted lip. I knew that wouldn't
last long. If nothing else, Akuma is loyal.
EVRYN
OH CUNT UP.
I'm 100% sure that Arkantos did NOT make a move on Akuma.
ORION
So anyway,
does that mean next time, don't hold back?
ILLYBRIUS kisses Orion
ILLYBRIUS
Not if you
don't want to.
ORION
Even if it
means I could possibly tear and hurt you?
ILLYBRIUS
Shh, it's
alright. I heal quickly.
ORION
Please... if
I am your Master, I need to know your limits, Pet.
EPIPHANY zaps Orion
EPIPHANY
[Translation: How the hell am I supposed to
violate your boundaries for Corri's sexual gratification if I don't know what
they are?]
ILLYBRIUS
I'm not
certain I have any.
SIGYN
Well, you
used to, but Corri just kind of railroaded them away, like during that time
with the spanking, and when Orion said he needs to receive pain to
"feed"? Actually not a Priapic Demon feeding requirement.
ORION
Pet...
EPIPHANY zaps Orion
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm?
ORION
Please bear
with me here. Is it okay?
EPIPHANY
[ I've heard of the "keep asking until they
cave and say 'yes'" rapist strategy, but not the "keep asking until
they cave and say 'no'" one.]
SIGYN
Some people
have some pretty strange kinks.
TOKIOMI
You would
know.
SIGYN
I guess.
That's not one of mine, though.
TOKIOMI marks his card.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
Physical stuff doesn't affect me that much.
ORION
Good. I don't
want to step out of line. As the Master, I need to take care of you.
ILLYBRIUS
Just keep me
and hold me and nevvver let me go.
ORION
I can do
that.
ILLYBRIUS
You have no
idea how much that-- *chokes up*
ORION kisses Illybrius and holds him close.
ILLYBRIUS kisses back and presses up close to Orion.
ORION nuzzles Illybrius and licks at the mating mark.
ILLYBRIUS shudders in pleasure and flaps wings
ORION
Well, that
scared quick.
EVRYN
It what?
ORION
Oh. Scarred
quickly. This mark also says to other demons that you are taken.
EVRYN, sarcastically
Gee, I had
no idea what a mating mark was.
MARIE
The mating
mark thing is blatantly ripped off from the Yu Yu Hakusho fandom, circa the Yu
Yu Hakusho fandom.
...
Unless the
Yu Yu Hakusho fandom was ripping it off from something else.
TOD
Isn't it a
staple of a/b/o? Which came first, a/b/o or Yu Yu Hakusho?
ILLYBRIUS purrs and smiles up at Orion
ORION
Oh boy...
Kantos is asking for it... I swear... he is going to die tonight if he doesn't...
too late. Giving you a heads-up, Lee... Akuma is in Celestia. Now... back to
what I was doing...
EPIPHANY
[Okay, people say that I'M insensitive, but did
you seriously just bulldoze over Illybrius being moved to tears just to deliver
some exposition?]
ILLYBRIUS
Due to some
fucked-up Drakoste non-biology, I don't have the ability to cry actual tears,
but otherwise, it would appear so.
ORION
But it was
IMPORTANT exposition!
ORION and ILLYBRIUS kiss.
ILLYBRIUS
I'm sorry,
but hearing about other people is a bit of a buzz kill.
ORION
I know. I'm
sorry. I just want to give you fair warning in case you find a tiger in your
bed.
TOD
That reminds
me of the novel Wicked, that scene in the Philosophy Club—
FREDDIE
Yes, thank
you!
ORION
Now,
ORION rubs his hands across Illybrius's chest.
ORION
I was busy
telling you how much I love and adore you, right?
EVRYN takes a shot
ILLYBRIUS purrs
ORION gently rubs and kisses
ORION
So sweet...
ILLYBRIUS checks his phone
ORION
Pet?
EPIPHANY zaps Orion
ILLYBRIUS
I apologise.
Cinnamon and Minesweeper were half-informing and half-obscuring information.
EPIPHANY
[ I won't guess who was doing which half.]
EVRYN
I will!
Maybe both were doing both halves!
ORION
Everything
okay then?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. My
mother was an oddball demon, apparently.
ORION
I don't
care. I still love you.
EVRYN takes a shot.
EVRYN
That's also
kind of rude, I mean, he's giving exposition about his family, and Orion's like
"oh I don't care" and trying to get back to the smut.
ORION
I will
always love you.
[CUE MUSIC: I Will Always Love You]
ILLYBRIUS
I love you
too.
EVRYN takes a shot.
ILLYBRIUS
She has
always been just as kind as she is now, which is a nice relief. Apparently my
mischief comes from my paternal side.
ORION
So? I equate
that with your kinky side.
SIGYN
Ahem, so,
that doesn't really work as well as you think it would. People who are highly
mischievous can also be highly vanilla, because personality doesn't equate to
bedroom preferences. And I would know because--
DREPANON
That will
do. In fact, I think that's already TOO much information.
MARIE
Also,
Illybrius is still trying to talk about his family, and Onion is still trying
to railroad him back onto the sex train.
ILLYBRIUS
Wish I knew
who he was.
ORION pulls Illybrius to him.
ILLYBRIUS
For all I
know, Maheone and I are brothers or something.
ILLYBRIUS snuggles.
ORION
Hmm... kinky...
nothing wrong with a bit of incest.
REIYA
Incest is
wincest, and double if it's twincest!
ILLYBRIUS
I disagree.
MARIE
So do I. Oh
gods, I'm agreeing with Illybrius.
EPIPHANY, making a >_< face
[DISGUSTING]
ORION
Oh. Sorry if
I offended you, Pet.
EPIPHANY zaps Orion.
EPIPHANY
[DISGUSTING]
EVRYN
Onion's
EXISTENCE offends me. Would you zap him again?
EPIPHANY
[Sure!]
EPIPHANY zap-guns Orion.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't want
our love to be tainted by the shackles of convention, but I'm not interested in
incest.
SERLEINA
You sound like your cousin.
OVD
Spoilers!
DREPANON, simultaneously
SERLEINA!
SERLEINA
I meant... uh... Thyme?
ROSEMARY
No.
ILLYBRIUS
If you'll
remember, I shared a bed with my own sister because she basically blackmailed
me.
REIYA
YIKES,
Illybrius.
ILLYBRIUS
ADOPTED
sister!
REIYA
No, still
yikes.
SIGYN
Definitely
still yikes.
TOKIOMI marks the card.
SIGYN
OH COME ON!
TOKIOMI
Rather not.
SIGYN
We've
already established that I'm not into that!
DREPANON
Bzuh?
TOKIOMI erases the mark.
ORION nuzzles Illybrius
ORION
You never
told me that, Pet.
EPIPHANY zaps Orion
ORION
And love is
never held by confinements of anything.
TOKIOMI
STRONG
DISAGREE.
EVRYN
Except for
the initial terms of the relationship. Those are kind of important.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh. I
thought I had. I slept with her and her girlfriend Ambrina. That's how
Peppercorn and Foxglove were born. Laura also got pregnant but she fed me the
fetus after she aborted.
EPIPHANY
[What.]
EVRYN
...Right.
OVD, can I go play Fate/Stay Night? This is disturbing me.
OVD
No. Sit down and do your job.
EPIPHANY
[When you do play it, can I watch?]
[You won't make me leave the room, right?]
EVRYN
Why would I
do that? I can make my own refreshments.
TOKIOMI
... Evryn,
can I talk to you for a bit after the show? There's a patch you'll want to
install before playing it with the good doctor.
EVRYN
Er... sure,
I guess.
ORION
And from
Peppercorn came Caleb. Right?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
ORION
You ate the
baby?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
EVRYN
Fetus.
ORION
Yes.
EPIPHANY
[Why are YOU saying "Yes" there?]
ORION
Yes. Yes.
Oh, god yes! YES!
EVRYN
SHUT THE
FUCK UP!
SKYE
WOO WOO WOO
WOO!
ILLYBRIUS
I knew what
it was only afterwards.
ORION
Ah. She
tricked you, then?
ILLYBRIUS
Well, she
didn't tell me what it was and it didn't occur to me to ask until after I ate
it.
ORION
And
hopefully now you ask before you eat, right?
ORION kisses Illybrius
ILLYBRIUS
Well, I don't
share a bed with my sister anymore, so I don't have to.
SERLEINA
Yeah um, here's the thing. We've got this water cooler,
right... Well, just ask Drepanon.
DREPANON
I still
haven't showered enough after that.
TOKIOMI, helpfully
Try lye
soap.
DREPANON
Oh?
TOKIOMI
Yes, it's
soap that specifically-you has told rumors to.
DREPANON
...
TOKIOMI
...
MARIE
Pun Shame
Corner. C'mere.
TOKIOMI walks over.
TOKIOMI
... Do you
have any Angel Cookies?
MARIE
Yeah! But
you need to describe the texture to me because I am literally allergic to them.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't mind
the taste of human flesh, but I don't crave it either.
MARIE
That's a
little weird, but okay.
TOD
I enjoy
human flesh.
ORION
Good. Your
place is in my bed.
MARIE
Onion, can
you stop that?
ORION
Well then.
ILLYBRIUS
I like your
bed.
ORION
I would
hope. I heard I give mindblowing sex.
FREDDIE
They lied.
ILLYBRIUS, v_v
I… found
Akuma in Maheone's room. I'm going now.
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