TITLE
Wang, wang, wang, part 2
SETTING
Japan, apparently
[Tue, Nov 18, 2008;
[TIME: 9.00 PM]
ORION
Stop
fighting! SHIT!
ILLYBRIUS
What
happened?
EPIPHANY
[YOU TOOK ATTENTION AWAY FROM THE CORRI SOCKS!]
ORION
CALEB JUST
LEFT!
ILLYBRIUS
WHY?!
EPIPHANY
[ I think you should ask, "How?"]
[He has a lacerated rectum right now, and I think
that's hard to walk on.]
DREPANON
... Not if
I'm walking on someone else's—
EPIPHANY
[Hard to walk off, then.]
SERLEINA
TUH! MAYBE WITH THAT ATTITUDE! HUP, TWO, THREE, OW! HUP,
TWO, THREE, OW! COME ON, LET ME HEAR IT!
ILLYBRIUS
AND WHAT THE
HELL DOES HE MEAN BY "THE LAMB KILLS ITSELF"?
SERLEINA
DON'T TALK OVER ME,
YOU CUCK.
TOD
From my
limited understanding of this show, wouldn't Akuma technically be the cuck?
EPIPHANY
[Can't there be more than one?]
TOD
Yes, but I
thought placing attention back onto Corri's favourite sock might attain a
positive result.
EVRYN
… Oh, honey.
ORION
He just said
"I'm not losing them" and phased!
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Fuck you and your desire for an
explanation! It was just there to sound cool and mysterious!]
ORION
He must have
learned that from Akuma.
TOD
See? I take
credit for this.
ILLYBRIUS
NO!
EVRYN
It doesn't
accomplish that at ALL!
TOD
Oh. My
apologies.
ORION
I am going
to kick his ass.
EPIPHANY
[No-one cares.]
AHRRY
AH-ROOOOOOOO
SERLEINA
That's Ahrry for "shut the fuck
up".
ILLYBRIUS
WHATEVER,
JUST GET HIM BACK!
ORION
I'M TRYING!
ILLYBRIUS
Good.
CIN
Illybrius, I
really don't think you're helping.
EPIPHANY
[That's because he's not being allowed to help.]
[He's supposed to stand there and wring his
hands.]
ORION
I almost
have him. So talking to me.
EPIPHANY
[Sounds like Corri accidentally a word.]
ORION
You're so
mean! English isn't even my frist lagnij!
EPIPHANY
[What a coincidence! It's not MY first language,
either!]
TOD
Nor mine!
CIN
He's
insulting Evil Maheone.
ORION
STOP TALKING
TO ME SO I CAN GET CALEB BACK HERE!
[6 minutes]
ORION
Got him!
Fuck, that took forever.
EPIPHANY rolls eyes
[ If all it took to rescue him was a jump cut, it
makes your effort look just as lacking as Corri's when she didn't write this
rescue sequence.]
SERLEINA
Yeah, well, OVD won't let me be The Weather.
OVD
That's because you can't sing.
SERLEINA
Screw you, I'm relatable!
ILLYBRIUS
Merci
beaucoup. He's threatening to pay me with Caleb's blood if I don't get off him.
EPIPHANY
[Who is?]
EVRYN
Evil
Maheone, supposedly.
ORION
I've got
Caleb. He's shaken but safe.
EPIPHANY
[How far could he have POSSIBLY GOTTEN?]
SERLEINA
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH THE RIGHT ATTITUDE! YEAAAAH!
SMILERS WEAR A CROWN, LOSERS WEAR A FROWN!
EVRYN
Serleina,
what?
SERLEINA
Hey, that's just a product of my raising.
ILLYBRIUS
Good. Thank
you, Ori.
ORION
Tired now.
Glad I fed a bit.
ILLYBRIUS and ORION kiss
CIN
*giggles* He's
not happy with Lee at ALL!
ORION
Good.
ILLYBRIUS
*snickers* I
forgot how much fun it is to play bad.
ORION
I hope I get
that kind of treatment soon.
ILLYBRIUS
You—you're
reading?!
ORION hastily hides script
ORION
I am feeling
what's happening. Call it a side effect.
EPIPHANY rolls eyes
[No. I'm going to call it a hand-wave.]
CIN
Ohmygod.
This is so much fun.
EVRYN
For yOU.
ORION
I can feel
them there. It's faint.
ILLYBRIUS
What does it
mean that he doesn't need his hands to kill them?
EPIPHANY
["WORRY! FRET! FEED CORRI!"]
ORION
There are
spells that you only need to say for the effect to happen.
TOD
That is
indeed how most of the magic I'm familiar with works. I believe it's referred
to as an "incantation".
CIN
Um, oh shit.
ORION
Most are
never cast right, though. Take comfort in that.
EPIPHANY
[No, that's dumb.]
[Are you saying there's an entire field of magic
that almost no-one can do because everyone mispronounces everything all the
time?]
ILLYBRIUS
Now, if we
gagged him—
ORION
And that
would work too.
EPIPHANY
[Removing his mandible would be more permanent.]
DREPANON pulls out a notebook.
TOKIOMI gets up, walks over, and smacks it out of his hand.
TOKIOMI
No.
REIYA
Oh my god,
Drepanon.
DREPANON
That's what
she said.
SIGYN, simultaneously
That's what
I—never mind.
CIN
HEY! THOSE
ARE MINE, LEE!
ILLYBRIUS
They're his
now.
ORION, O_O
Do I want to
know.
CIN
HE JUST TOOK
MY PANTIES AND STUFFED THEM IN EVIL MAHEONE'S MOUTH!
ORION
I suddenly
wish I kept my mouth shut.
EVRYN
We ALL wish
that.
EPIPHANY
[Yes, that's disgusting.]
CIN
And PLEASE
tell me "Nycucixk" is just some weird gibberish.
ORION
Cockbite.
CIN snickers
ORION
Yes. Akuma
loves to call me that.
ILLYBRIUS
Why would
Evil Maheone—oh. I forgot that he spent time among that area.
ORION
He lived
with us.
CIN
Please tell
me "for the last time get off" isn't dire. Wait, "Nuctoway"?
ORION, O_O
He called
him that? Wow.
EPIPHANY
[Annnd here comes the part where Corri makes up
"words" to make you ask what they mean.]
CIN
What's it
mean?
EPIPHANY
[Damn it, Cinnamon!]
ORION
You don't
want to know.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Nothing Corri can come up with will approach the level of
nasty she's trying to go for.]
CIN
If I didn't
want to know, I wouldn't have asked. Oh goody, he just forced Nice Maheone out.
ORION
"Nice."
ILLYBRIUS
Ori, tell me
what it means. Please?
ORION
Shit-eater.
EPIPHANY
[Told you
so.]
CIN
*snickers*
Never done that either. Don't plan to.
ORION
Good.
CIN smiles
I've read
the 120 Days of Sodom. That's not the worst I've ever heard.
ORION
I can bet.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: *yawn* Start talking about Corri's
characters again]
ILLYBRIUS
"Vekenbriucce".
That one I understood.
EVRYN
Because it's
in your native tongue, you dolt.
ILLYBRIUS
And I told
him yes, he is.
ORION
What is
that?
ILLYBRIUS
Fucking
hell.
ORION
Really? Must
write that down.
EPIPHANY
[Why?
It's not even that creative. How do you say "one who fucks themselves in
the nose with a porcupine"?]
TOD
Vyras, kuris
sau į nosį pasidulkina su dygliakiaule
EPIPHANY
[…]
[Thanks?]
EPIPHANY
...
EPIPHANY
[WAIT, ONION CAN WRITE NOW?!]
TOD, helpfully
[Vyras, kuris sau į nosį pasidulkina su dygliakiaule]
EVRYN
Well, that
handwriting is… interesting…
TOD
Thank you.
It's Onion's!
ILLYBRIUS
Well, "Veku"
means "fuck"—
EVRYN
Sorry, Vexen
fans. That was completely unintentional.
ILLYBRIUS
—and "briucce"
means hell.
ORION
And is also
the last part of your name. Definitely need to lean on this language.
[CUE MUSIC: Lean On Me]
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. And that's
up to you. Oh my, I'm horny.
EPIPHANY
[Does
Berserker have a linguistics kink?]
EVRYN
Ask Ilya. Though I doubt it, considering
that— oh, you meant THIS Berserker.
REIYA
I was just
gonna ask if he was horny from Serleina's singing.
SERLEINA
OH GOD NO.
EPIPHANY
[You know
Fate/Stay Night, too?]
[ I
watched my cousin play that, but he made me leave the room for some parts.]
EVRYN
You mean the parts with no voiced dialogue?
Yes, those rendered the characters so horribly out-of-character that it would
have scarred your image of them worse than the Tiger Dojos.
EPIPHANY
[Yeah.
And some random-seeming parts of the last route.]
EVRYN
I'm still on the second route, but I have
the feeling that I don't want to know.
TOKIOMI
You really
don't. Hey Evryn, the parts with no voiced dialogue were actually shoe-horned
in and ghostwritten.
EVRYN
That's a
relief.
ORION, ^_^
I like horny
Illybrius.
EVRYN smirks
I wonder if you'd
like horny Shinji?
EPIPHANY
[Ewwwww.
Shinji's gross.]
EVRYN
Ugly, too. That maggot does NOT deserve blue
hair.
TOKIOMI
Trust me,
Doctor, you have no idea. It's really for the best.
ILLYBRIUS
Horny
Illybrius likes you.
ORION
Even better.
ILLYBRIUS
Now if only
there were two of me.
ORION shudders
ORION
Don't tempt
me, Kio.
STRAWBERRY
Twenty years
later…
ILLYBRIUS
What vault?
He said he won't relent until he finds the vault.
EPIPHANY
[Simultaneous episodes, you might make things more confusing, but
sometimes you are awesome.]
EVRYN
Maybe it's just Shinji looking for Rin's—
OVD
That's enough, Evryn.
ORION
Vault? No
way.
OVD
Did ANYONE hear me say "That's enough"?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
ORION
I wonder…
there are two but if he goes for the one…
Tell him you
won't let him reach the vault.
ILLYBRIUS
Kunda's
Vault.
ORION
I'm going. I
need to go.
ILLYBRIUS kisses Orion.
ILLYBRIUS
Alright. I'll
keep raping him.
EVRYN
Simultaneous
episodes make things as disturbing as possible.
EPIPHANY
[ I take
back my previous statement]
ILLYBRIUS
Be back
tomorrow?
ORION
NO! I mean I
have to go to Japan right now. I can't let him reach that vault.
EPIPHANY
[Didn't
you claim earlier in this episode that we're already in Japan?]
ORION
Shut up!
Stop pointing out my lack of geographical knowledge!
EVRYN, mockingly
"We
lived here before it was known as Greece. Italy, if you will."
ORION
I SAID SHUT
UP!
OVD
It's a moot point, everyone. We're still in California.
[Setting: Japan, apparently California]
SIGYN
That's okay,
you guys, it's not as bad as the time Reiya asked me if Albuquerque was in
Arizona.
JAKEMBER, dryly.
We lived
there before it was known as Arizona. New Mexico, if you will.
EVRYN
Holy shit.
JAKEMBER
What?
EVRYN
Oh, it's
just, with you, Cinnamon, and Sigyn all in the studio at the same time, I just
noticed how alike you three look.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't see
it.
DREPANON
Me, neither.
ILLYBRIUS
Ori, is
there a chance I can get rid of him tonight?
TOKIOMI
Yes, please
get rid of Drepanon.
ILLYBRIUS
Dark!Maheone.
TOKIOMI
Oh. Him,
too, I guess.
ORION
I don't
know. But I can't take the risk of that vault being opened at all.
TOKIOMI
... that's
actually why I want to get rid of— OH. You mean Kunda's Vault.
ORION
Of COURSE I
meant Kunda's Vault, jeez, what did you think?!
EPIPHANY
[Who IS Kunda, anyway? The goddess of stat-downs?]
OVD
Let's say yes.
ILLYBRIUS
Akuma says
what I'm doing is working.
EPIPHANY
[You mean
the rape?]
ORION
Good. That
means that she's becoming aware.
JEPH
[Of the rape?]
ILLYBRIUS
Now Maheone—the
good Maheone—says I'm pushing the bad one back.
EVRYN
With your wang?
ORION
Then it's
working.
JEPH
[You mean his wang?]
ILLYBRIUS
I need a
translator for "Tembe wny berthdf sincbto ajom pineoc"!
FREDDIE
"Try Bertha's
awesome pine OC."
ILLYBRIUS
Seriously?
FREDDIE
I'm a
journalist, not a polylinguist.
STRAWBERRY
That's not
what I heard.
ORION
SHIT HE'S
REACTIVATING THE SPELL!
EVRYN
For his
wang?
CIN
Uh, oh shit.
JEPH
[On his wang?]
DREPANON
Some people
are into that. I'm not one of them, but—
EPIPHANY
[Shut up, Drepanon.]
TOKIOMI
I like you
much better now.
ILLYBRIUS
But I gagged
him!
EVRYN
With your
wang?
TOKIOMI
Obviously,
it didn't take.
*beat*
Oh, you mean
Dark!Maheone.
SERLEINA
TOKIOMI, GROSS.
TOKIOMI
Why?
SERLEINA
BECAUSE DREPANON IS ILLY—
(Doki Doki music, static, fade out)
EPIPHANY
[The fuck was that?]
EVRYN
The fuck was
what?
EPIPHANY
[... Never mind.]
CORRI
Yeah, never
mind!
EVRYN
Shut up.
CORRI
Aww.
ORION
This spell doesn't
have to be spoken!
EPIPHANY
[ I'd ask
why you didn't SAY so earlier, except you're probably just bullshitting to get
around the fact someone came up with a solution for the cast-by-talking thing]
EVRYN
I miss
Caster.
ORION
But it takes
a lot of energy. He's using their bonds to you to cast the spell. CLOSE THEM!
ILLYBRIUS
Ori, my
shields are up.
EPIPHANY
[Ready
the photon torpedoes!]
EVRYN
From his—
OVD, JEPH,
and EPIPHANY
NO!
ORION
Then how?
ILLYBRIUS
I just PUT
them up, I mean.
ORION
Still, I
guess I need to take a flight later.
DREPANON
Can't demons
teleport?
EVRYN
YOU would
know.
DREPANON
... Oh yeah.
TOKIOMI
I'd feel
sorry for you for being such a dumb bunny, but I don't like you.
(BRRRRRIIIINNNNGGG!)
TOKIOMI
I wonder who
would be calling?
TOKIOMI, weird phone pose
Moshi moshi?
... Oh. ... That's kind of mean... I wouldn't go THAT far... I— wow... Okay,
I'm hanging up.
EVRYN
What did it
say?
TOKIOMI
That was the
Pot. It called me a hypocrite and a dumb bunny, and asked aren't I ashamed of
myself?
EPIPHANY
[Just block the number.]
TOKIOMI
Yes but then
it'll call Serleina, and her contract says she can't block the number.
EPIPHANY
[That's a really specific thing to forbid in a
contract.]
OVD
It's the only way I could get that asshole off my case, okay?
Don't judge me.
EPIPHANY
[Judging You.]
ILLYBRIUS
HE SAYS HE
ALREADY GOT WHAT HE NEEDS AND THAT THEY'RE LOST TO ME!
ORION
HE'S
BLUFFING!
EPIPHANY
[Corri
was just trolling you.]
ILLYBRIUS
Good.
EVRYN
Wow. You're
really weird.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh, thank
the gods.
EVRYN
Because you'd
hate to be normal?
ILLYBRIUS
He says to
stop trying to bring the good one out. I won't, of course, but is he still
bluffing?
ORION
He can't
harm them. But he probably has them back asleep again.
ILLYBRIUS
I hope I'm
not wasting time doing this.
ORION
You aren't.
You are costing him power he really needs.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Don't you dare deprive Corri of her wankfodder.]
ILLYBRIUS grins
Wish I could
just turn on my favourite talent and drain his energy, but that would hurt
Maheone.
ORION
And Akuma
too.
ILLYBRIUS frowns
She's
connected to him?
ORION
Akuma has
been spending time with him, and he has her too.
ILLYBRIUS
Shit.
ORION
Why do
things always have to be hard with you people?
STRAWBERRY
I don't
know, Onion, why do YOU people have to keep MAKING them difficult?
FREDDIE
Cause it's
the only way he can make anything hard.
ILLYBRIUS
What the
hell are you talking about?
EPIPHANY
[ I think
you're not freaking out enough to satisfy Corri's thirst for the emotional
distress of others]
ORION
The trouble
that seems to find well… all of us?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, all of
us. Not just me and my people.
ORION
Why do we
attract trouble, then?
EPIPHANY
[Because
Corri.]
ORION
DON'T YOU
DARE BLAME HER FOR THIS!
ILLYBRIUS
Because
things are hard with ALL OF US.
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