TITLE
Dark Maheone Appears
Tue, Nov 18, 2008, 8:18 PM
[enter DARK MAHEONE and ILLYBRIUS]
DARK MAHEONE
What?
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone...
I'm very upset with you.
DARK MAHEONE
And why is
that?
ILLYBRIUS
I want to
ask you some questions, and I want you to be honest with me.
DARK MAHEONE
Make them
quick. Akuma and myself need to be somewhere.
ILLYBRIUS
Are you
possessed?
DARK MAHEONE
I am
possessing. Does that count?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. Who are
you?
DARK MAHEONE
Does it
matter?
ILLYBRIUS
No. Why are
you possessing my friend?
DARK MAHEONE
Does it
matter?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. Maheone
is my best friend. As a friend, it is upon me to defend his honour. Part of
that is vanquishing those who would dishonour him.
DARK MAHEONE
Even if I am
only the darker part of his soul given life?
EPIPHANY
[ I thought you said it didn't matter who you
were.]
DREPANON
Illybrius
said it didn't matter who he was. Technically, Dark Maheone only asked if it
did.
EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl
[ I wasn't asking YOU.]
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone
didn't have a dark soul.
DARK MAHEONE
Everyone has
a dark part of themselves. Most just hide it.
EVRYN
Even so, the
dark part of his soul probably isn't a rapist.
ORION
... what do
you mean?
EVRYN
I mean that
some people can be evil without raping others?
ORION
Are you
sure?
EVRYN
Pretty sure,
I mean, my mum is an Evil Overlady and she's never raped anyone.
ORION
Oh... did
she inherit the title or something?
EVRYN
Yeah, from
the gal wot she tortured and murdered to get it.
ORION
But you JUST
said she didn't rape anybody. And you get on ME for being inconsistent, jeez.
EVRYN
... I...
SIGYN
I am also
confused.
EVRYN
Oh, to Hell
with both of you!
ORION
Been there.
SIGYN, simultaneously
Yes, please 💙
DREPANON
NO.
ORION
THAT SOUNDED
LIKE A YES TO ME!
SIGYN and ORION ^5
DREPANON
... I'm
going to the snack table.
[exit DREPANON]
ILLYBRIUS
So tell
me... Were you the one I fucked the other night?
DARK MAHEONE
No. He was
still in control then. Didn't realize I was there.
ILLYBRIUS
Have you and
I met?
DARK MAHEONE
Once....maybe.
EPIPHANY
[That's not a very good answer.]
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm. Out of
curiosity, you wouldn't happen to be a vengeful former imaginary friend come
back to teach Maheone and me a lesson, would you?
EPIPHANY
[That's. . . oddly specific.]
EVRYN
True, but it did happen... Rulean,
Illybrius's and Maheone's imaginary friend, came back to exact vengeance on
them for forgetting him.
DARK MAHEONE
No. Just the
darkest part of the soul.
ILLYBRIUS
Why are you
here?
DARK MAHEONE
I must thank
you.
EPIPHANY
[DERAILING!]
EVRYN
I know, it
drives me nuts.
ILLYBRIUS
Whatever
for?
DARK MAHEONE
For giving
me such a tasty treat to snack on.
ILLYBRIUS smiles
I've been
told I'm a rather sweet treat myself.
DARK MAHEONE
I meant your
darling son.
SIGYN
THAT'S WHAT
SHE SAID!
[crickets chirp]
SIGYN
Wow, I was
expecting Drepanon to chastise me for that.
SERLEINA
He's got wolfsbane poisoning from the cooler
water. Muahahaha.
EVRYN
That was
bloody quick.
EPIPHANY
[Wait, is that how Caleb got poisoned?]
SERLEINA
...
I wouldn't know. I haven't gone near the cooler, for obvious
reasons.
DARK MAHEONE
I hope he
can scream rather well. I like it when they scream.
EPIPHANY
[Can we get Chris Hanson in here? I feel unsafe.]
EVRYN
I don't know
if we can contract Chris Hanson... I've only got a few fudge candies to pay him
in. What've you got?
EPIPHANY
[ I could go on IRC and cyber someone. Given how
fucked up child pornography laws are getting, I don't think a jury would care
that I'm actually twenty-nine.]
EVRYN
A capital
idea! Now, does anyone have Chris Hanson's email address or phone number?
ILLYBRIUS
NO! *hisses
threateningly at Commentary*
EPIPHANY
[That's okay, I'll just summon my Adults!]
THREE XALDINS appear.
XALDIN
[You should not do that.]
XALDIN 2
[ I would say, "For shame", but I don't
actually have the capacity to feel shame.]
EPIPHANY
[Yeah, that would be pretty gross.]
ILLYBRIUS
I'm certain.
However, you sound nothing like Maheone... dark part or no. I believe you're a
different entity completely
DARK MAHEONE
It's truly
amazing how different the darkness is from the light, Illybrius.
XALDIN 1
[No. Stop that.]
XALDIN 2
[We get enough of that shit from the Superior. We
don't need it from you, too.]
XALDIN 3
[This is supposed to be a break from our day jobs.]
ILLYBRIUS
It is.
However, I have known of others whose dark sides have manifested, and the
original personality was still manifest within them.
DARK MAHEONE
So?
EPIPHANY
[So, you're doing it wrong, you brat.]
(Brr—)
EPIPHANY
...
SERLEINA
TEXT MESSAGE! That's weird.
It just says, "... Never mind, it's not even worth it."
DARK MAHEONE
I guess that
my next target will be even better then, if I could get to him, but that damn
girl had to have a vision.
ILLYBRIUS
By all
means, take the mutt. I care nothing for
him.
DARK MAHEONE
Then bring
him to me.... Or better yet, do my job for me.
ILLYBRIUS
Mmmm... I
don't want to upset Larlia.
DARK MAHEONE
Then cast a
bind on him. Then do what I am supposed to.
EPIPHANY
[You mean rape him? You're trying to OUTSOURCE
that?!]
LENA
Why not?
It's what all the cool kids are doing. Outsourcing, I mean.
EPIPHANY
[ I WAS ABOUT TO SAY]
EVRYN
I think that
would still upset Larlia.
EPIPHANY
[Why would Berserker do anything for this guy?]
ILLYBRIUS
You miss the
point. If I were to harm Enon in any way, Larlia would be most aggrieved. She
already has a low opinion of me. Why make it worse? I'm at a point now where
everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way.
DARK MAHEONE
Damn. Guess
that means I need to find him and rape him myself.
EVRYN
Rape is the
answer to everything. If you don't believe me, just ask any one of the
"evil" characters in this show.
EPIPHANY
[Doesn't that kind of trivialize it?]
EVRYN
Well, yeah,
that was the point I was making.
DARK MAHEONE
And you can
have your son back. He was a good fuck.
SIGYN
That's what
she said!
TOKIOMI
Oh Jesus
Christ, Serleina, why did you have to pick THIS episode to poison Drepanon?
SERLEINA
I already said I had nothing to do with it!
TOKIOMI
Then who
even poisoned him, Stoker?
SERLEINA
...I don't think that'll occur to her for
another three—
OVD
IT WAS ME, OKAY?!
DARK MAHEONE
Just don't
mind the blood and bruises.
Guess that
means you're not talking to me. Bye, then.
EPIPHANY
[Who would want to talk to you after you've said
something like that?]
SIGYN
I would.
Actually, I'd like to get drinks with him after—
ILLYBRIUS
I'm not
done.
EVRYN
Apparently,
a crazy person like Illybrius.
SIGYN
Hey! I take
offense to your usage of "crazy".
LENA
ABLEIST!
SIGYN
Yes, thank
you, Lena.
DARK MAHEONE
Well, then.
EVRYN
Also, I'm
really not sure Audience One is the best person to respond to that, since she
one-ups Dark Maheone pretty much on an hourly basis, without even trying.
SIGYN, proudly
I'm very
talented.
TOKIOMI
... That's
one way of looking at it.
ILLYBRIUS
I'm sorry.
We were interrupted by my counterpart's... ah... well, an inconvenience.
SERLEINA
TRANSLATION: PERIOD!
EVRYN
Charming.
DARK MAHEONE
Well then, I
suggest that your son get looked at.
EVRYN
Why? Did he
just get his period too?
ILLYBRIUS
He is.
Mmmmmmm...
DARK MAHEONE
I don't
know.... That balkin is dangerous to someone like him.
EVRYN
Epiphany, do
you have any signs that explain what a balkin is?
EPIPHANY
[ I'd have to find them again. I know they're in
the stack somewhere]
EPIPHANY begins to rummage through her sign stack
EPIPHANY
[Jack M. Balkin, Knight Professor of
Constitutional Law and the First Amendment at Yale Law School]
[Probably not what 'Dark Maheone' meant.
'Balking', maybe?]
EVRYN
I doubt it,
but it doesn't really matter since it's only mentioned once.
ILLYBRIUS
Hmmmm...
SIGYN
I would
think it had something to do with the water cooler, actually, but that would
imply that the director is a balkin.
OVD
I don't balk from anything except giving away money!
DARK MAHEONE
Poor thing.
Doesn't even know he's dying yet.
EVRYN
Really? Even
when he's presumably shitting and puking his guts out from the aconite
poisoning? You don't think he might consider that MAYBE something is wrong?
SIGYN
I mean, I
would think the rectal laceration would be a clue.
ILLYBRIUS
I noticed.
SIGYN
Well, gee.
ILLYBRIUS
You do seem
to smell a lot like my dear one.
EVRYN
Olfactory
hallucinations. I wonder how Special Effects managed that on our meagre budget?
Unless it's not so meagre and we're just being underpaid.
OVD
. . .
DARK MAHEONE
I told you
what I am—
EPIPHANY
[Yes, and you were bullshitting.]
DARK MAHEONE
— but I am
not giving this up.
EVRYN
You're not
giving up the bullshitting? We figured.
DARK MAHEONE
Aww yiss.
Never gonna give it up. Never gonna let it down. Never gonna run around and
desert it.
META
OH MY GOD
HE'S RICK-ROLLING US! DAAAAAAAAD!
DREPANON, in a pixellated puddle of green and brown
Son, I don't
care.
EVRYN
Not that *I*
care either, but you'd think Meta would notice Drepanon's got a couple other
problems to deal with, there.
REIYA
With how
self-centered he is, I'm not surp—
(BRIIIING!!!!)
REIYA
OH SATAN
BLESS IT.
DREPANON
Little busy!
REIYA
Mushy mash?
Uhhhh I don't think that's really fair of you to say, I mean, I don't think I'm
a hypocrite at all, and for you to talk to me like that is bullying and I
really don't—
SERLEINA
*RENEGADE INTERRUPT!*
REIYA
OW! WHAT WAS
THAT FOR?
SERLEINA
... My uncle says it makes the whining go
away. I don't think it worked.
ILLYBRIUS
Well, then
don't blame me if I start acting a bit... untoward. Are you also the reason
Cinnamon's been having those strange dreams about Maheone's Incarnate?
DARK MAHEONE
Of course
not. I just raped and poisoned your son—
SERLEINA
Wait, but OVD said—
OVD
I didn't say I fed Caleb the cooler water!
DARK MAHEONE
— took over
someone you love, and walked away with your wife. You must abhor me.
ILLYBRIUS
On the
contrary. I... I find you irresistible.
EPIPHANY
[What the fuck is wrong with you?]
EVRYN
Do you want
the full list or just the condensed version?
SIGYN
I mean, *I*
would probably declare my attraction to someone who took Akuma away.
EPIPHANY
[On
second thought. . . Never mind. I don't think I want to know.]
EVRYN
You REALLY
don't, but I'm right there with you. How can Illybrius POSSIBLY find Dark
Maheone attractive? Despite the fact
that he looks exactly like Maheone, I mean.
EPIPHANY
[Your
guess is as good as mine.]
SIGYN
Because evil
is sexy.
XALDIN holds out his hand.
SIGYN ponies up.
SIGYN
Dammit.
XALDIN holds out his hand again
SIGYN ponies up.
XALDIN
[That's because she explicitly said she didn't want to
know.]
DARK MAHEONE
Too bad I
don't do men.
EPIPHANY
[Just teenage boys, eh?]
EVRYN
Technically
Illybrius is also a teenage boy.
ILLYBRIUS
My loss, I
suppose. For a while, I thought my Maheo was the same way.
DARK MAHEONE
Good for
you.
ILLYBRIUS
No, it
wasn't. I loved him, and I thought he hated me. I know he hated Larlia. I
assumed that was why. He was the most gorgeous thing. Still is.
DARK MAHEONE
He raped
you. Tell me, was that your first time with a man?
DARK MAHEONE now has two spears through him.
EVRYN
Nothing in
the books suggest that Maheone raped Illybrius. The short version is, Illybrius
got drunk at his own birthday party, went to bed— platonically, you
gutter-heads— with Maheone, and woke up in his own bed with a note that said,
"Never going to happen."
REIYA
That was the
correct response.
ILLYBRIUS
Do you like
pranks?
DARK MAHEONE
Hate them.
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm, too
bad. I made him fall in lust with a tree once. I suppose he was the first
dendrophiliac. It was... it was amusing. Childish, yes, but that was my forte.
DARK MAHEONE
You are
boring me with your idle chatter.
REIYA
Yeah, but
you'll get used to that. Also, I think your phone is vibrating?
DARK MAHEONE
Oh, it's
just the Pot. I never take his calls.
ILLYBRIUS
Too bad.
ILLYBRIUS steals the phone and puts the Pot on speaker.
THE POT
You should
be ashamed of yourself.
DARK MAHEONE
Shut up! I
get enough of this crap from Lena. I don't need it from you too.
THE POT
DON'T YOU
TALK ABOUT MY SISTER THAT WAY, YOU—
*line goes dead*
DREPANON
Soapbox...
please...
LENA
No! You said
you'd let him borrow it the whole day!
DREPANON
But it's the
only... thing that can... save me... must... post... political... memes!
LENA
I think your
internet addiction is getting out of h—
(BRRRING!)
LENA
Hold that
thought.
LENA, phone pose
Before you
say anything, I just wanted to say that Drepanon is demanding the soapbox
back.... You can't call him that! It's racist!.... I don't care, you shouldn't
say "Indian-giver".... No, you also can't say that he Welshed....
You're doing this on purpose so I'll repeat what you're saying for Drepanon's
unbenefit, aren't you?.... Yes well, bring the soapbox by the studio, I'm
getting tired of hearing him whine. Oh and bring some Wet Naps too.... I don't
care if the Kettle is bogarting them.... He's YOUR son, YOU deal with it....
Okay, bye.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh, and yes,
that was my first time with another man.
LENA
That seems
really anticlimactic after our little side-conversation, and also, it didn't
happen.
DARK MAHEONE
Explain a
few things.
*BUZZ, BUZZ!*
ILLYBRIUS, phone pose
Yes?... Why,
yes he is! I'll be sure to tell him!... Okay, I'll tell her.... No, you make a
right on Main. If you see an ominous-looking building with black-tinted
windows, you've gone about a block too far.... You're welcome!
ILLYBRIUS
The Pot says
you're a hypocritical cunt.
LENA
WE'VE TALKED
ABOUT THIS!
ILLYBRIUS
And to
"shut up, Lena—she'll know what I mean."
LENA
Ignored and
betrayed by my own family...
META
Cry me a
river, bitch.
LENA
WHY YOU
LITTLE—
SERLEINA
W...oof?
DARK MAHEONE
Your first
time with the one you love, and it was nothing more than a very bloody rape.
How sad.
SIGYN
Define
"sad".
DREPANON
ON SECOND
THOUGHT, let me die in peace.
EPIPHANY
[Anyway, it didn't happen, and pony up.]
XALDIN holds out his hand.
SIGYN
What, asking
for clarification costs money now?
OVD
EVERYTHING costs money! EXISTING costs money, and it's TERRIBLE!
ILLYBRIUS
I like it
rough.
[CUE MUSIC: I Like It Rough by Lady Gaga]
ILLYBRIUS
I'm very
grateful he did... but I wish he hadn't erased my memory.
EVRYN
And
apparently healed your arse, but didn't do shit for the hangover. Bum friend,
yo. You know, if we're pretending it happened.
DARK MAHEONE
Maybe I
should try to recreate it for you. If I close my eyes, I can probably picture
you as a girl.
EVRYN
Wait, can we
say that on TV?
OVD
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE 2008. YES. Deal with it.
LENA
I said a few
naughty words on TV... if I can live with myself, so can all of you.
ILLYBRIUS shrugs
It wouldn't
be difficult.
DARK MAHEONE
Which part?
ILLYBRIUS
My
counterpart is female, and very much like me. I'm surprised you've decided to
take Miss Akuma instead.
DARK MAHEONE
The demon
was too hard to control and your son was too stubborn.
SIGYN
—
XALDIN holds out his hand.
SIGYN
... Never
mind.
SIGYN kneels next to Drepanon and starts cleaning up, instead.
DREPANON groans theatrically.
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm? I was
saying that you decided to take Miss Akuma instead of Cinnamon. It would have
affected me more, you see.
DARK MAHEONE
She was
too... close to you.
EPIPHANY
[No, you just didn't think of it. Admit it when
you're wrong and stupid and wrong.]
(BRRRING!)
EPIPHANY, on the phone
Hut your
shush. Yaren't oo riving night drow?
ILLYBRIUS
How's that?
DARK MAHEONE
No doubt you
would have known right away.
ILLYBRIUS
Again, it
would have been more hurtful than merely taking my wife. I've been married
several times, you know.
SIGYN, still kneeling next to Drepanon, with the
puddle almost all gone
Oh my God,
what an asshole!
EPIPHANY
[... Is she saying that in response to Illybrius,
or because she's wiping Drepanon's butt?]
EVRYN farts.
EVRYN
... my butt
votes "butt".
SIGYN
I WAS WIPING
HIS MOUTH!
EPIPHANY
[Like I said.]
[enter CINNAMON]
SIGYN
Can you—?
CINNAMON
Just let me—
(The sick and the Wet Naps with the sick are now washed out of
the window. Then the studio is flooded as we hear the angry and disgusted yell
of the Pot.)
ILLYBRIUS, wearing little arm floaties as he's swept
up in the water
Jeez, it's
about time. I've been bringing these to work for how long now?
EPIPHANY
[This is slightly more sanitary than it could have
been.]
SIGYN
You're lucky
OVD won't let ME flood it anymore.
[SETTING: OUTSIDE]
THE POT
So do you
still need the soapbox or...?
DREPANON
Just open
it.
THE POT opens the Soapbox and hands Drepanon a bar of soap.
META
Don't drop—
LENA
SHUT UP,
YOU.
DREPANON is now nude and soaping himself.
THE FICUS KNOWN AS OVD
Must you do that here?
SIGYN
Shut up,
you.
DREPANON
... Good
point, OVD.
DREPANON presses a button that enlarges the Soapbox and climbs
inside it to clean himself.
DARK MAHEONE
Yes, but I
know your wife can't come back again should she fall.
ILLYBRIUS shrugs
DREPANON, from the Large Soapbox
Water!
CINNAMON
On it.
THE FICUS
ONLY the
stall.
CINNAMON
Aww.
*sploosh noises are heard*
DARK MAHEONE, standing in a puddle
Good.
ILLYBRIUS
*laughs* You
really are a prettyboy fool.
DARK MAHEONE
DON'T CALL
ME THAT!
EVRYN
You're the
one getting your trainers all wet, not us.
ILLYBRIUS
Lau-eone.
Arrogant fool. Or would you prefer "imbecile"?
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