TITLE
Wang, wang, wang, part 2
CAST
SETTING
Japan, apparently
[Tue, Nov 18, 2008;
[TIME: 8.00 PM]
[LIGHTS ON]
EPIPHANY
[Cin, I have never so happy to see you in all my
unlife.]
CIN
Thanks. Now
you might want to cover your ears. We've got some serious capslock panic in the
next couple of lines.
EVRYN and EPIPHANY cover ears
CIN
ILLYBRIUS,
NOW! CALEB JUST SAID THAT MAHEONE'S BEEN PAWING AT HIM!
ILLYBRIUS
HE SAID
WHAT?!
ORION
What is
going on?
EPIPHANY
[The shit that passes for a plot on this show!]
CIN
Maheone's
been molesting Caleb.
ORION
What? Why?
EVRYN
Because
Corri raped his characterisation.
REIYA
Just like
everything else she gets her hands on.
EVRYN
Which is why
she's not allowed to touch my gloves.
CIN
HE'S FUCKING
POSSESSED! HELL IF I KNOW!
REIYA
You know,
just to clarify that this isn't his initial characterization.
CIN
BUT
ILLYBRIUS, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR PANTS ON AND GET THE FUCK ON OVER THERE!
EVRYN
Maybe he can
leave "the fuck" in the lights-out area where it belongs?
CIN
Why?
Possessed!Maheone isn't.
ORION
That would
explain things. Or he could be going after Caleb because he looks like you,
Illybrius.
EPIPHANY
[. . . Thanks for the Rapist Logic 101 there.]
EVRYN
Wait, wait,
there was LOGIC there?
EPIPHANY
[ I said RAPIST logic!]
EVRYN
But still! It's
a kind of logic! On this show! From a Corri Sue! I'm so excited!
REIYA
Except for
the part where Illybrius and Caleb look nothing alike.
EVRYN
Dammit!
EPIPHANY
[I never claimed it made sense.]
REIYA
I'm pretty
sure the Rapist Goggles are fused to Onion's face at this point anyway.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone wouldn't
do that unless he was possessed. Cinnamon's right.
REIYA
That's what
I s—
(BRRRRING!!!)
REIYA
Sssend it to
voicemail.
ORION
I suggest
you help him.
EVRYN
WAIT. Coming
from you, that sounds like you're suggesting Illybrius help his best friend
rape his son.
EPIPHANY
[You mean, that's not what Onion means?]
EVRYN
It's not
what *I* would mean. I'm myopic, so THERE.
FREDDIE
Yes, but
you're less myopic than whoever decided Caleb and Illybrius look alike.
FAUSTUS
Can you not
just blame the casting director for that?
EVRYN
Why the hell
would I do that?
ORION
We can
finish in a few moments
CIN
Unfortunately,
he's adamantly refusing to see Illybrius. He's scared of him.
ORION
Stupid boy.
EPIPHANY
[For being too afraid to see Illybrius? That
sounds like the opposite of stupid.]
TOKIOMI
Actually,
since Caleb was adopted by Illybrius, if he's that afraid of him, couldn't he
petition, either for emancipation, or for a different guardian?
EPIPHANY
[Yes, that makes sense...]
[but Vaan.]
TOKIOMI
What's wrong
with Vaan?
EVRYN
What isn't
wrong with Vaan?
EPIPHANY
[ I was specifically talking about the part where
he "owns" Caleb by some stupid foreign law and pimps him out for
unrealistic quantities of money.]
DREPANON
What's wrong
with that?
EVRYN
Ignoring
that. Even if Vaan does have a receipt for Caleb, I'm 99% sure that if Caleb
petitioned a court for a different guardian, the court would not give him to
Vaan because Vaan is also an unfit parent, and slavery and human trafficking
are illegal in this bloody country.
EPIPHANY
[ I was under the impression that Vaan is impeded
not by the law, which he obviously gives no shits about, but by the fact that
Illybrius can set him on fire.]
[Demigod > vampire.]
EVRYN
Who here can't
set Vaan on fire, though? Let's be real.
CIN
Oh hell yes.
ORION
I guess I don't
help matters.
EVRYN
When do you
ever help matters?!
EPIPHANY
[Onion never helps matters.]
CIN
It's not
your fault. Unless you're the one who's been possessing Maheone?
ORION
No but I did
use him once. A long time ago.
EPIPHANY
[How the fuck is that relevant?]
EVRYN
None; its
purpose is to cause unnecessary drama.
MARIE
Onion's
narrative role is to introduce/be problems.
TOD
It's
unfortunate to say that I know the type.
ILLYBRIUS
You—
ORION
Once.
STRAWBERRY
The fact
that it happened once is once too many.
ILLYBRIUS glares at ORION
EPIPHANY
[Cue Corri desperately trying to dig herself out
of the hole she just jumped into.]
ORION
It was a
long time ago.
EVRYN
You said
that already.
ILLYBRIUS glares at ORION
ORION
I didn't
know it was him at the time. Vaan tossed him into my room and I was hungry.
ILLYBRIUS
VAAN DID
WHAT?!
EPIPHANY
[When in doubt, redirect culpability to nearest
Villain Box character!]
[ I wasn't aware you were AKUMA, Onion.]
[ I mean, you are, but to that degree.]
TOKIOMI
WAIT HOLD
ON. If he didn't know it was Maheone, why did he just say it was Maheone? When
did he even find that out, and how?
EPIPHANY
[... That's a really good question! I didn't even
think of that!]
SIGYN
Corri
HiveMind, obviously.
ORION
He said he
knew I need to eat and threw this filthy boy into my room. He looked like death
warmed over but I was gentle with him and even fed him.
EPIPHANY
[That doesn't make it better!]
CIN frowns
I can't
really picture Maheone looking like death.
ORION
Not Maheone.
Caleb.
ILLYBRIUS,
CIN, TOKIOMI, SIGYN, TOD, FREDDIE, FAUSTUS
Ohhh.
EPIPHANY Spock Eyebrows it up
[Fascinating.]
[ I'm not sure if that was an Ass Pull or not.]
EVRYN
It TOTALLY
was!
ORION
Shut UP! I
haven't pulled Caleb out of my ass in centuries!
EVRYN
Oh gods,
TMI.
ORION
I'm not a
god, I'm a demon! How can you be so insensi—
OVD
No-one cares!
AHRRY
MOOOOO!
REIYA
OKAY EITHER
WAY, that doesn't make it better!
ORION
You thought
I meant- I think I'm going to be sick.
EPIPHANY, eyebrow still raised
[Suuuure you are]
ILLYBRIUS
Well, she
did ask if you were possessing Maheone, and when you gave your response, your
pronoun usage was unclear. Ori, please don't be sick. It'll make me think I'm a
bad lover.
ORION
I'm sorry
but Maheone was just a friend. Nothing else.
MARIE
It's kind of interesting to see retcons
happening in real-time like this.
TOKIOMI
Have you met
Meta? He's the king of real-time retcons.
SIGYN
He is n—
well...
ILLYBRIUS and ORION kiss
ILLYBRIUS
Mmmmmmm, I'm
happy to hear that.
ORION
Good. So
what did Caleb say?
FLASHBACK:
CALEB
He reached
up and I thought he was just checking me and then he… grabbed my throat and
pushed me back and was kissing me. I was in so much shock I couldn't fight. It
was only after he reached down inside my pants to touch me that I actually
fought back. He said next time he came we would go together. So every time he
shows up I hide.
/END FLASHBACK
ORION
Oh boy. Poor
kid.
EPIPHANY
[Thank you. We wouldn't have known we were
supposed to pity him unless you'd said that.]
ORION
Wow, you're
not very smart, are you?
EPIPHANY
[ I'm the smartest person in this building, you
idiot.]
ORION
We're not in
a building! We're in Japan!
EVRYN
No we're
not. We're in California. In a building. It's actually called a studio.
ORION
I thought it
was a radio tower.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, I
agree.
EVRYN
Who's the
dummy now?
EPIPHANY
[ If we were in Japan, I would have to visit my
aunt and uncle and explain to my Nene what I'm doing on this show.]
[ I'm not going to explain to my Nene anything
about this show.]
ORION
Well at
least you can try to keep him safe.
ILLYBRIUS
I can try.
ORION
At this
point it is all you can do.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: You had better not come up with any
solutions to the problem.]
TOD sheaths his handgun
Damn.
ILLYBRIUS
I know.
ORION
And I will
help as best I can, Kio.
ILLYBRIUS
Thank you.
ORION: ^_^
ILLYBRIUS
I would not
adopt that expression at this time, my love.
EPIPHANY
[But it reflects Corri's expression at this time!]
ORION
Sorry but I don't
know many.
EVRYN
And yet,
still a better actor than Kristen Stewart.
Except in The Messengers. She was really good in that.
SERLEINA
I like her in Snow White and the—
OVD
ANACHRONISMS!
SERLEINA
*AGGRESSIVE FART NOISE!*
TOD
How dare you
blaspheme against Our Lady and Highness Kristen Stewart?
ILLYBRIUS and ORION kiss.
ILLYBRIUS
Ori, I'm
rather worried. What do you know of the manifestation of darkness in souls?
EVRYN
That's some
Vanitas shit right there.
OVD
Evryn, this is 2008.
EVRYN
I don't
care. As far as I'm concerned, Corri's copying Kingdom Hearts, and doing it
horribly.
EPIPHANY rolls eyes
[Surely easier than coming up with anything
original. Corri's a lazy writer.]
ORION
It's easy
enough to do. How do you think the concept of Yin and Yang came into play?
EVRYN
Well, I know
it's not from Kingdom Hearts.
EPIPHANY
[ I do not have the time to give an entire lecture
on Taoism, but let me just say that you should not be dragging their religion
into this.]
DREPANON
... The prod
team drags other people's religions into this. For example, did you hear the
office rumour that I am, and I quote, "literally Satan"?
EPIPHANY
[A member of the prod team is Christian, you dumb
fuck.]
DREPANON
Yes, the one
who told my actor to "read the lines in a bedroom voice", and also
the one who calls me Satan. To my face. If that's not sacrilege—
EPIPHANY
[THEREFORE]
[they are dragging their own religion into this.]
[Not someone else's religion.]
[you clod.]
TOD
I'm not a
fan of Claude.
FREDDIE
No-one is.
SERENA
You know
that's not how you spell that, right, Tod?
TOD
Atsiprašau,
anglų kalba nėra mano gimtoji kalba.
SERENA
And
"Claude" is a French name.
TOD
Well, French
isn't my first language either.
NATHANIEL
Serena, when
the hell did you learn Lithuanian?
ILLYBRIUS
No riddles,
please. This is rather serious. Do you know how to make them go away?
ORION
Ummm, let me
check. The Memoriam is still here. I can't
find anything so Drake is looking. Give us a few more minutes.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Corri hasn't actually thought that
far yet.]
ILLYBRIUS
Very well.
ORION holds a book upside-down.
Can't find
anything.
EPIPHANY
[You didn't even try!]
ORION
Normally
they go away when confronted with their true selves.
EPIPHANY
[That's not Taoism, that's Persona 4!]
EVRYN
Wow, Corri's
really bad at theology.
ORION
Illybrius?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. But Maheone's
dark side is possessing him.
ORION
Don't scare
me like that again.
EPIPHANY
[Wait, what?]
ORION
Well, I
guess you need to bring out his good side.
ILLYBRIUS
I'm sorry. I
don't know how to do that.
ORION
Talk to him
about the times when you guys were friends.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Corri is shrugging at you.]
ILLYBRIUS
Ha! I highly
doubt that that will be of consequence.
ORION
It's the
only thing I can find at the moment.
EVRYN
Well, at
least he didn't suggest rape.
ILLYBRIUS
Well, please
keep looking.
ORION
Okay.
EVRYN
NO! No! Use
his initial suggestion!
ILLYBRIUS
AND I HATE
THIS BASTARD!
ORION
What?
EPIPHANY
[Why WOULDN'T Berserker hate this bastard?]
EVRYN
Because
according to Corri, all her Sues are perfect constructs and should be
worshipped, adored, and/or feared?
SIGYN
I mean—
EPIPHANY
[Except Vaan.]
SIGYN
Okay. I
mean, Vaan Sr. is pretty hot—
EVRYN
THAT'S
FALCONCANON, NOT CORRICANON!
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, I
need you to open a portal for Caleb. He's been poisoned with aconite.
EPIPHANY
[Who the hell still uses monkshood to kill
people?]
[ I'd have at least thought that Corri wouldn't
want one of her socks to die in a puddle of his own vomit and diarrhoea. Not a
glamourous way to go.]
ORION
What? Great.
Tell him to hurry.
TOKIOMI
Yes, tell
him to hurry up and die in a puddle of his own vomit and diarrhoea.
ORION
He's lucky
my blood is the damn cure.
EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl
[How convenient.]
ILLYBRIUS
He's going.
ORION
I noticed. I'll
have him fixed soon.
EPIPHANY
[Can someone fix Onion soon?]
EVRYN
I VOLUNTEER
AS TRIBUTE!
OVD
Firstly, anachronisms! Secondly, NO.
ILLYBRIUS
Thank you,
mi Dolciumi
ORION
Not a
problem. However, threaten that thing please. He's… Caleb is bleeding very bad.
EPIPHANY
[ I notice that there's a distinct lack of his GI
tract's contents vacating.]
EVRYN
Unless they
only had blood in.
ILLYBRIUS
What do you
suggest I do?
TOKIOMI
Would a
moist towelette help?
EVRYN
Possibly
more than one?
ORION
I can handle
Caleb. Get anything you can out of that thing.
ILLYBRIUS
Very well.
EPIPHANY
[Does that mean Onion already has moist
towelettes?]
REIYA
Yes, and
he's going to use them to rape Caleb in order to help! I mean, that's my guess,
anyway.
ORION
Well at
least the poison isn't spreading to Corri. A small blessing.
EPIPHANY
[Okay, assuming magic for how that's even
possible, but how is that a blessing by any stretch of the imagination?]
ORION
I said
SMALL!
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, but a
blessing nonetheless.
EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl
[HOW?!]
ILLYBRIUS
What the
hell do I say to this thing?
EVRYN
RUDE, DUDE!
ORION
Later. I
need both hands for this, Pet.
EPIPHANY zaps Orion
EPIPHANY
[HE HAS TWO MOIST TOWELETTES!]
ORION, shakily
They conduct
electricity pretty well.
EPIPHANY grins
ILLYBRIUS
Alright, but
I'm boring him and I'm panicking!
ORION
Calm down,
my Pet.
EPIPHANY zaps Orion
ILLYBRIUS
I—I don't
know what to say—but I'll leave you to deal with Caleb.
EPIPHANY
[Why would you leave Onion alone with anyone in a
state of incapacitation?]
TOD
Ah, he can
be quite useful against them, yes? Mr. Onion, if I could spare a moment of your
time, I have a list! It's quite short.
ORION
I'm almost
done with him.
EVRYN
It's amazing
that an arse-wipe is taking so long to wipe an arse.
ORION
Fucker used
a knife to rape him.
EPIPHANY
[Are we just forgetting about the aconite
poisoning now?]
ILLYBRIUS
I suppose.
EPIPHANY
[That's stupid. Onion's stupid.]
[Are we also going to ignore the gut microbes that
have surely infiltrated his abdominal cavity by now?]
[Because your abdominal cavity is supposed to
remain sterile and Caleb could very well die of a massive, multisystemic
infection.]
SERLEINA
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WIN TO ME!
TOKIOMI
Serleina,
you play Fate/Stay Night specifically hunting for the bad ends.
EVRYN
I don't see
how that's relevant.
EPIPHANY
[That's the only correct way to play the game.]
TOD
Yes, I quite
agree!
ORION
Well at
least I have both Caleb and Corri safe here for now.
ILLYBRIUS
Corri too?
Well, I'm glad they're safe.
EPIPHANY
["Safe."]
ORION
Yes.
EPIPHANY
[You're an idiot.]
ILLYBRIUS
Now tell me,
WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY?!
CIN
Oh, I'm sure
insulting him is the way to go!
ILLYBRIUS
I'D LIKE TO
SEE YOU DO BETTER!
CIN
Hahahahaha, didn't
say it wasn't entertaining!
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