11 November 08, pm 07.01 - Orion's In Trouble - REDO COMMENTARY
TITLE
Orion's in Trouble, part 3
SETTING
Illybrius’s room
Tue, Nov 11, 2008
[7.01 PM]
ILLYBRIUS
Why did they want to hurt you?
ORION
I escaped them when Ak--
REIYA
THAT DOESN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION!
ORION
--uma summoned me. They weren’t happy their slave got away.
They wanted me back. I never thought they would find me.
EPIPHANY
[This is the sound of no-one caring.]
ILLYBRIUS
Drake said that they’re dead now.
ORION
He killed them before… Ferrin could mount me in his
transformed state.
EPIPHANY yawns
[This rape-as-drama subplot really should have been left on the cutting-room floor.]
OVD
We don't have one of those! Check the board!
Pan to the Plot Board. "No Cutting-Room Floor" has
been added in purple text.
EPIPHANY
[When did you]
REIYA
That explains so much.
EVRYN
Wait, I've got one.
Evryn writes on the Plot Board, under "Avoidance of
Corri's Turnoffs": Direct answers.
ILLYBRIUS
I want them gone forever, with no chance of return.
EVRYN
Wait, do you mean--
ILLYBRIUS
The stupid subplots. I would actually like MORE direct
answers.
EPIPHANY
[No chance. Corri’s not going to let you take away a
potential source of getting her characters raped.]
[Even though she can and will just keep on inventing new
ones.]
ORION
You need to burn the souls with Inflammare spells. They… are
healing even now. I have to send Drake away.
ILLYBRIUS
Can you perform the spells?
ORION
I have no energy. They blocked everything from me.
EPIPHANY
[But didn't Lee just
GIVE you energy?]
EVRYN
Yes, but either he’s ignoring that fact to cause more drama,
or Corri forgot.
REIYA
🎵CONTINUITY🎵
EVRYN
Ooh, I'll add that, too.
Evryn adds "🎵CONTINUITY🎵" to the Plot Board under
"Avoidance of Corri's Turnoffs."
ILLYBRIUS
Try using the halberd; it was made with my blood and should
therefore work as a conduit for most incendiary spells.
ORION
Drake will have to.
[5 minutes later]
ORION
There. It’s done.
EPIPHANY
[Awww, why did you have to get the transmitter working
again?]
EVRYN
What, the Rapist Transmitter or the New Stock Character
Transmitter?
EPIPHANY looks horrified
[You can transmit those?]
EVRYN
Penryn says they’re a little bit like STDs, like AIDS and
babies.
EPIPHANY still looks horrified
[ i]
ILLYBRIUS
I’m relieved that you’re alright, Orion.
EVRYN
Epiphany, however, will never be the same.
ORION
It... you don’t have to worry about me.
ILLYBRIUS
Good.
ORION
I just need… I’m sorry this happened. You have enough to
worry about without my insane former owners coming after me.
EPIPHANY
[See, a good writer might be able to actually use this line
to highlight how fucked up Orion’s headspace is right now, but Corri’s just
going to drop it like the throwaway line she’s using it as.]
ILLYBRIUS
What is it that you need?
DRAKE
HE NEEDS--
ORION
Ignore Drake.
EPIPHANY
[Can we ignore you,
too?]
[Although we all know what Drake was going to say.]
EVRYN
Who are we ignoring? I didn’t hear anything.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, please do not deprive yourself of that which you truly
need.
EPIPHANY
[ i]
EVRYN
And one for Jenny and the wimp!
SIGYN
And a fort of boot-to-the-head-flavoured ice cream built
around him so he can stop wasting our time.
OVD
You’re the audience! You get no say in this!
SIGYN
This show has lousy customer service. Don’t you care about
ratings?
ORION
No.
SIGYN
I wasn’t asking you!
OVD
He’s right, though.
ORION
I promised myself I wound do that to you.
EVRYN
Wait, what?
ORION stamps foot
I promised myself I WOULDN’T do that to you!
EVRYN
Well, why didn’t you just say so?
ORION
Besides… they fed me. I’m fine.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh.
EPIPHANY
[But doesn’t that contradict what shit-for-brains said
earlier?]
EVRYN looks around the set.
You’ll have to be a little more specific.
DRAKE
HE’S LYING!
EPIPHANY
[That one.]
ILLYBRIUS
I… I have homework.
EPIPHANY
[And I have to go
wash my hair]
EVRYN
And I have to go water my toaster so it’ll grow into a
triplet.
SIGYN
And I have to go powder my… tampon.
ORION
Damn it, Drake. I will hurt you.
EPIPHANY
[My uncle says it's
not okay to say that to people.]
EVRYN
I agree with him. It’s like you’re always saying: Show, don’t
tell.
SIGYN
MY uncle says it's not okay to actually hurt people. But I
never listen to him.
ORION
It’s fine.
EPIPHANY
[No it isn't!]
ORION
Go. I… can heal myself now.
ILLYBRIUS
Fine. I’ll go.
DRAKE
NO! Illybrius, He’s starving. Can’t you feel it?
ILLYBRIUS
No. He doesn’t want me to feed him.
EVRYN, slowly
This is known as respecting other people’s wishes.
[CUT to CORRI going about her day]
CORRI
IT BURRRRRRRNS!
[CUT back to the Plot Board]
DRAKE
He… He’s blocking you. He’s afraid of hurting you.
EPIPHANY rolls eyes
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, you won’t hurt me.
DRAKE
He was highly upset that you barely fed him last night and
then those two came in and used him for hours and they NEVER fed him once. In
six hours they never fed him. He’s sitting here shaking.
EPIPHANY
[SHOW. DON’T. TELL.]
REIYA
Yeah, but the animators can't dr-- I mean, Orion's actor is
too lazy!
ILLYBRIUS
Damn. I wish you all weren’t so fucking humble. You shouldn’t
ever deny yourself what you need.
EVRYN
Hah! If they’re humble, then I’m the President of the United
States.
DRAKE
He’s crying. He… gave you his name last night. I heard him. I
think it’s only fair I tell you what “Orion” means in his tongue. After those
two monsters found him, they only called him “Orion”. Orion means “Slave”.
ILLYBRIUS
I think it’s a pretty name. In English, it… sounds like a
cookie.
EVRYN
Only because you don’t know how to pronounce constellations.
DRAKE
To him his name means everything. How do you think Usagi
would feel if you called him slave all the time?
ILLYBRIUS
Actually, the surname I gave him, which is the Dutch for
“pet”--
EPIPHANY zaps Illybrius
ILLYBRIUS
In Drakoste culture, “pet” and “slave” are synonymous.
EPIPHANY zaps Illybrius again.
DRAKE
Yes, but you would never keep Usagi pleading for release for
hours on end only to leave him like that while you went and fucked someone else
in front of him would you?
EPIPHANY
[Am I the only one getting the uncomfortable feeling that
Corri has a thing for forced secondhand voyeurism?]
ILLYBRIUS
No.
OVD
Epiphany, you're the one who WROTE that on the Plot Board
three days ago!
EPIPHANY
[ It's the FORCED secondhand voyeurism I'm complaining
about.]
OVD
How about we just...
"Consent" appears in purple print under "Avoidance of".
CUT to Corri.
CORRI
WHY WON'T THIS TERRIBLE BURNING CEASE?!
Cut back to the set.
OVD
...and call it even?
EPIPHANY
[That works!]
DRAKE
Never mind. You go play with your pet.
EPIPHANY zaps Drake
DRAKE
I’ll feed Orion myself.
REIYA
You mean that you're going to rape him.
DRAKE
Yes, that is to feed.
COMMENTARY groans collectively.
ILLYBRIUS
I love Ori. I love him.
EVRYN takes two shots.
ILLYBRIUS
I want to feed him.
DRAKE
You… are such an ass.
AHRRY
I'M A FISH! QUACK-QUACK, MOTHERFUCKER!
DRAKE
You can’t feed him. You can’t even stomach his requests half
the time.
ILLYBRIUS
Fuck off. I can feed him.
EPIPHANY
[Are you two seriously having an argument over who gets to
rape the incubus-wannabe?]
ORION
I’m not an incubus! I’m a HIGH GENERAL!
BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
EVRYN
Fine, you’re a general incubus who’s been smoking
Neferbelii’s weed.
DRAKE
Does that mean you are going to step up?
ILLYBRIUS
Meaning?
EPIPHANY
[Will you play out
Corri's violent rape fantasies or not?]
REIYA
I shouldn't be surprised that Drake is shaming Illybrius for
having limits, and yet here we are.
DRAKE
If you aren’t going to take care of him... I’ll find him
someone that can.
EPIPHANY
[So, you're Orion's
pimp now?]
EVRYN
Ooh, Pimp King Daddy Claus is going to be piiiiissed. Like,
American-pissed.
ILLYBRIUS glares
You are going to get the fuck out of my way. Now.
DRAKE
Bullshit.
[exit DRAKE and ORION, enter MAHEONE]
MAHEONE
I have him, Illybrius. Take care of Orion.
EVRYN
Dude, he just exited. Right about the same time you entered.
EPIPHANY
[So much for not
getting out of Lee's way]
ILLYBRIUS
Who-- what just happened?
MAHEONE
You need to ask, my love?
EPIPHANY
[Well, yeah. That was a bullshit transition.]
REIYA
Corri sent out a different Pokémon. DICKACHU, I CHOOSE YOU!
EVRYN
I think he meant that if Illybrius doesn’t boff Onion the way
Corri wants him to, He’s not allowed to be his husband anymore and Drake will
find him a spouse who’s more willing to do things Corri's way.
ILLYBRIUS
I can guess: Somebody was trying to antagonise me.
EVRYN
Well, yeah, that too.
MAHEONE
I’m going to call attention to the silvery-grey colour of my
eyes for no apparent reason.
ILLYBRIUS
Maybe you should-- Ooh, shiny.
MAHEONE
Hey, cool, it worked!
ILLYBRIUS
Ori-- Kannon... Which does he prefer? I can’t-- I can’t be
distracted right now. I need--to talk to--Ori--
MAHEONE
No, Illybrius. I came to give you an update on Akuma.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Shut up about Onion. Corri wants you to pay
attention to Akuma now.]
EVRYN
Your translations are a lot less shitty and a lot more
accurate than Corri’s.
EPIPHANY
[Thank you. I pride myself on my skill with languages.]
ILLYBRIUS
He needs to be fed.
MAHEONE
Orion is washing up. He’ll be right back.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: See previous.]
ILLYBRIUS
How is she?
MAHEONE
Not well. They… think they might have to rip apart her soul
to correct the damage but that is… far too risky.
EVRYN
Not to mention completely idiotic.
EPIPHANY
[My Contrived Peril Sense is tingling.]
ILLYBRIUS
I agree.
REIYA
Hey, mine too, isn't that funny? It tickles!
AHRRY
GAH! TICKLES!
ILLYBRIUS
Is there anything I or our priests can do to help?
MAHEONE
She is able to use both arms now but can’t walk. Right now…
it seems like the best thing we can do is wait another ten years to see if time
will help matters.
EPIPHANY
[>Best thing we can do is wait another ten years]
[>wait another ten years]
[>ten years]
[ i]
MAHEONE
I asked about Rohypnol, but the healers said it wouldn’t work
in this situation.
EVRYN
You’re a fucking idiot and nothing like the Maheone I’ve read
about.
ILLYBRIUS
I think something besides waiting ought to be done.
REIYA
But the animators can't draw wheelchairs! We have no budget
because OVD's a cheapskate!
OVD
True, that.
EPIPHANY
[But I have a spider-chair.]
OVD
Which your uncle made and paid for.
AKUMA'S VOICE
Wuhhhh, how come SHE gets to have one and I don't?
OVD
I literally just--
AKUMA NOISES!!!!
ILLYBRIUS
If all anybody is doing is killing time--on the other hand, I
don’t want her damaged.
AKUMA'S VOICE
MY EGO IS DAMAGED BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE A SPIDER-CHAIR!
ILLYBRIUS
WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS, SHUT UP!
MAHEONE
Believe me, they are trying, love. They just don’t want to
take a risk that could end up with her being anything less than who she was
when she came here.
EPIPHANY
[ i]
AKUMA
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME????
EPIPHANY
[The wind is awfully loud today.]
XALDIN
[Hey.]
AHRRY
HAY IS FOR ASSES! *rooster noises*
ILLYBRIUS
I wish--I wish Cinnamon hadn’t left all of her information in
California. It would be invaluably useful right now, especially as I can’t
remember anything in the way of spells. I never used them except for pranks. Do
you remember when I hexed you to fall in love with a tree? I think you rivaled
Larlia in sonnet-writing that year.
CINNAMON
Focus…
ILLYBRIUS
Fine. Do you have any other news?
MAHEONE
Sometimes I am amazed at you, Illybrius.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Sometimes I’m amazed at your ability to NOT
make everything you say have something to do with the character Corri wants you
to talk about.]
MAHEONE
Anyway, my gift sends her love to you. She was thrilled to
see that I was safe.
ILLYBRIUS
Obviously.
MAHEONE
Your other pet is back from washing, love.
EPIPHANY zaps Maheone
EPIPHANY
[SHOW. DON'T. TELL.]
MAHEONE
I promise that as soon as she is better we will have a long
talk. Now... you need to attend to your husband.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Okay.
NOW you can go back to talking about Onion.]
CINNAMON
By the way, what’s up Drake’s ass?
EPIPHANY
[Corri's arm?]
REIYA
We've already been over that.
EVRYN
As disturbing as that image is, it’s also shockingly
accurate.
ILLYBRIUS
It’s possible that He’s jealous that I’m not.
EVRYN
... Right, maybe I should have said my previous line after
yours. That would have made more sense.
ILLYBRIUS
Yeah, stop stepping all over my cues! It's bad enough Twenny
the chinchilla was chewing on my shoes backstage!
MARIE
And that's where the wheelchair budget went!
MAHEONE
He... found out that his sister died and blamed Illybrius and
myself.
ILLYBRIUS
That too.
EPIPHANY
[Was he right?]
EVRYN
Probably not. Akuma will look for any excuse to ragequit life
if she doesn’t think she’s getting enough attention.
MAHEONE
Well he won’t bother you anymore tonight. I’m knocking him
out when I leave.
ILLYBRIUS
Thank you. Don’t do any permanent damage. Douven.
EPIPHANY
[ Is Fake!Maheone an anesthesiologist?]
EVRYN
No, but he stole Désmoda’s frying pan.
MAHEONE
I will be back. I promise. Have fun.
[exit MAHEONE, enter ORION]
ILLYBRIUS
Ori...
ORION
Your friend healed me and removed the binding spell.
ILLYBRIUS
Goo--binding spell?
ORION
Yes.
ILLYBRIUS
My love, do you want to be top or bottom?
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Okay,
whatever. You wanted to porn, right?]
FLUOU
[Accurate!]
ORION
Not yet please. I still feel them touching me. Can you… Never
mind.
ILLYBRIUS
I will do whatever you need me to.
EPIPHANY
[Could you obstruct
his trachea until he stops moving?]
OVD
No. I didn’t budget for unplanned resurrections and we need
him to continue the show.
ILLYBRIUS
Would you prefer that I call you by your original name?
ORION
It… doesn’t matter. I will always be what my name implies.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Corri
can't even think of a BAD reason for Onion to insist on Lee continuing to use
the name "slave", but attempting to take slavery out of the equation
is unacceptable.]
[And Onion used
"imply" wrong. "Slave" is the DENOTATION of his name, not
the connotation]
ILLYBRIUS
Maybe I should start calling you “sweetmeat” formally.
ORION
I… would rather you not. Mas--Ferrin always said… when I
could no longer… pleasure him… he would eat me alive.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: NO!
Corri can't enjoy it unless there's slavery involved, so stop trying to put
things like respect or consideration into it.]
SIGYN
*clears her throat* So, um, what does this Ferrin look like,
any--
ORION
NO.
SIGYN
Also, speaking of Ferrin--
ORION
I SAID, NO!
SIGYN
--that line about him was completely out of--
ORION
NO!!!
SIGYN
--where. Also, Onion, did you just?
ORION
I have no idea what you could be referencing to.
ILLYBRIUS blushes
I understand; however, I’d still like to explain that
“sweetmeat” is a term of endearment, much like “sweetheart,” but naming a
different organ.
EPIPHANY
[Ewwwwwwwww.]
ORION
I understand, I just… I wanted to talk to you tonight. I
wanted you to know me a bit better but then they showed up and… Again I am
talking about things that don’t matter.
EPIPHANY
[You're only JUST
noticing this?]
ILLYBRIUS
It matters. I care about anything you have to say.
ORION
I’m ready.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: We are changing rails. NOW.]
CHARACTER, imitating Squidward
SPONGEBOB!!!
ORION
I’ll take bottom since I need to… Unless you would rather
take bottom?
REIYA
But you just said that YOU needed to! Do you not understand
the difference between needs and wants?
EPIPHANY
[Of course he doesn't.]
ILLYBRIUS, to Orion
Dolciumi…
ORION
What does that mean?
ILLYBRIUS
I was just thinking aloud. Sorry.
EVRYN
“Dolciumi” means “sweetmeat”, brain trust. In Italian. Since you claim to be from Italy, you should know this.
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