TITLE
Orion's in Trouble
SETTING
Illybrius’s room
Tue, Nov 11, 2008
[TIME: 9.00 PM]
ILLYBRIUS
I’m glad you’re well now.
ORION
I never expected them to find me. Ever.
EPIPHANY
[You're obviously
not genre-savvy enough.]
[Also, you said that.]
ILLYBRIUS
If anybody ever touches you again with intent to harm, I want
them absolutely destroyed.
ORION
If you knew half the things they’ve done to me... you would
have slowly fed them to the fish.
EPIPHANY
[Are you kidding?]
[ I'd never subject my babies to something so distasteful.]
EVRYN
I think he means Illybrius’s pet piranhas.
EPIPHANY
[Why would he subject his babies to something so
distasteful?]
EVRYN
They were bred to take care of criminals. There was no
consideration given to the fish themselves.
ILLYBRIUS
I’m afraid there is no slow way to feed someone to my fish.
They’re Drakoste piranhas, very brutal.
ORION
Trust me, Kio. You would have found a way.
EPIPHANY
[ I suggest portion control via woodchipper.]
ILLYBRIUS
I would have killed them a different way.
EVRYN
Why? Epiphany’s way seems like fun!
ILLYBRIUS
A way with which Vlad the Impaler might have become impatient
because of its slowness.
EPIPHANY
[ I suggest a ball
pit full of cacti]
SIGYN
No, those poor cacti!
REIYA
The cacti you care about, but not the fish?
SIGYN
I guess, yeah. I mean, cacti are great! Onion, don't you know
how great cacti are? Haven't you ever tried to peh-- uh, stroke one?
ORION
I… want to tell you… but….
EPIPHANY
[But Corri wants to
hear you ask.]
ILLYBRIUS
If you want to tell me, then do.
ORION
They… what Drake was looking for the keys for earlier… I can
only tell you that for now, okay?
ILLYBRIUS
Alright.
ORION
An open mouth gag locked in place so I couldn’t bite them
because trust me. I would have bit Ferrin’s off.
ILLYBRIUS
A ring gag?
ORION
Yes.
ILLYBRIUS
Son of a whoreson bitch.
ORION
Wait till you hear the rest.
SIGYN, sarcastically
I'm on the edge of my seat.
REIYA
You clickbaity little...
EPIPHANY
[ I know that Corri writes your lines, but could you at least
TRY not to sound so eager to share?]
ORION
Electrified nipple clamps and cock ring, both set to shock
every five seconds on the highest level.
EPIPHANY rolls eyes.
[The electrified nipple clamps might actually kill him.
You're not supposed to put electricity across the heart.]
SIGYN, in a soft, baby-talk voice.
Epi, do you know what we would do if that had really
happened? Do you know what we'd do?
SERLEINA, full volume.
REJOICE!
ILLYBRIUS
Fucking--you poor thing.
ORION
Steel ankle cuffs and a spreader bar so I couldn’t stop them
from taking their pleasure from me. Both of which were padlocked into place.
Same thing with the handcuffs only they were locked tight enough to draw blood.
The last thing is… a spread belt.
ILLYBRIUS
The last one I’m not familiar with. Is it like a wooden
horse?
SIGYN
Yes, and it's also fake as fuck, at least in this tale, which
honestly sounds more like a personal fantasy than some traumatic thing that
happened to Onion. Although, the cuffs were nice. Spreader bar, not so much,
since my legs don't like to be locked into the same--
SERLEINA
HEY GUYS, LOOK AT MY HAIR!
ORION
It’s the reason I was torn so bad. It’s nothing more than
little hooks that open my body… in this case then insert and then tighten the
straps around my waist to… open me up.
SIGYN
*buzzer noise* Sorry, no. None of that sounds real, or even
realistic.
ILLYBRIUS
I hope--I hope they fucking—I-- can’t think of anything
strong enough to say!
ORION
Normally a spread belt isn’t bad but they… filed the hooks
into points so…
EPIPHANY
[Corri typed this one-handed, didn’t she?]
EVRYN
It would account for all the typos I found in the first
draft.
ORION
You get the picture.
ILLYBRIUS
She does. So do I.
EVRYN
I wish I didn’t.
EPIPHANY
[So do I.]
[Onion, did you get a free abdominal cavity full of pus due
to the infection?]
[Unless your rectum is ALSO made of steel, those hooks should
have punctured your intestines, introducing bacteria to an environment that
should remain sterile.]
EVRYN
I wish Onion's mum had remained sterile.
SERLEINA
TEXT MESSAGE! Oh, would you look at that. So does she. She
also appreciates Audience 1's comments regarding his ex-boyfriend and would
like to add that an ugly breakup is no reason to make up stories like this.
SIGYN
Although it wouldn't surprise me if his ass was steel,
considering Akuma's glass vagina.
ILLYBRIUS
It would explain the metal burn.
SIGYN
You poor thing.
ILLYBRIUS
My darling, I will never do anything that drastic. Unless you
want me to, that is, but--
ORION
NO.
SIGYN
So that's a yes, then, right? Coming from you? Are you
starting to understand the point I am making when I ask you that? That's good.
Stare sullenly for "yes".
ILLYBRIUS
But I doubt you would.
ORION
The worst thing… was they used me for six hours and… I …
never got off once… ever.
EVRYN
Usually when I'm
kidnapped and tortured, I'm not overly-focused on the pleasure aspect of it.
EPIPHANY
[Corri
characters have bizarre priorities.]
ILLYBRIUS
Oh!
ORION
Yeah.
ILLYBRIUS
You’re safe now.
EPIPHANY
[At least until
Corri says otherwise.]
ORION
I know. And I know you would never hurt me like that… I’ll
take it your host was disgusted.
CINNAMON
LOLwut?
ORION
I’m surprised your Rabbit was cheering.
EPIPHANY
[And there Corri
goes dictating the feelings of other people's characters again.]
SERLEINA
I didn’t hear a rabbit cheer.
ORION
WASN’T cheering! God! Don’t you know that “was” and “wasn’t”
mean the exact same thing?!
ILLYBRIUS
Not disgusted. Outraged.
USAGI
Who said I was cheering?
ORION stomps foot
WASN'T!
EVRYN
Why didn’t you SAY so?
ORION
I know you hate me. And you have every right to.
EPIPHANY
[Why does this sound
more like angsty fishing-for-reassurance than a statement of fact?]
EVRYN
Because he doesn’t actually need to state that people have
every right to hate him. It’s pretty much understood, like how running with
scissors is a bad idea.
ORION
How is it a bad idea?
EVRYN
Because it’s stupid.
SERLEINA
IT'S THE PERFECT WAY TO DRIVE AGONY INTO YOUR NERVES AND MAKE
YOU FEEL ALIVE AGAIN!
SIGYN
See?
USAGI
You’re less of a pain in the ass than you were a week ago.
EVRYN
I’d make a tasteless joke, but I was too lazy to write one
beforehand.
SIGYN
Ooh, ooh!
EVRYN
Of COURSE.
SIGYN
Ferrin was too busy being a pain in the ass for him!
ORION
And here I thought seeing me humiliated and living like the
scum I am would have you jumping for joy.
EPIPHANY
[ If my therapist were here, he’d probably say that you’re
projecting.]
ORION
You have a rapist?
EVRYN
She said “therapist”, genius.
ORION
No, she said “the rapist”.
EPIPHANY checks sign
[ I don’t see a space there.]
ORION
And what’s this about projectiling?
EVRYN
I’m about to projectile vomit all over you.
SIGYN
I think his reading comprehension is improving, though. D-
for effort.
USAGI
Right now I like you better than a certain other rival.
CINNAMON
‘Sagi, I read the diary entry and we really don’t need a
recap.
EPIPHANY
[THANK YOU]
USAGI
Fine, but I stand by my opinion.
ORION
Next time Rabbit, you can beat me up. Promise.
USAGI
Don’t want to.
ORION
With Lee’s permission, I mean.
EPIPHANY
[The way you keep driving that point, it sounds like YOU'RE
the one who wants Lapin to beat you up.]
USAGI
I said already I like you better than Bastion.
ORION
Bastion… Ah, that one. That… lucky one.
EPIPHANY
[Wait, are you
jealous?]
EVRYN
He's totally
jealous.
USAGI
That lucky bastard who don’t know how good he’s got it,
that’s always whining about shit, that refuses to admit he’s Rubéhaus.
ORION
I meant he escaped me.
EPIPHANY
[Oh, of course. How
silly of us to think Corri was paying attention to anything not directly
related to her characters.]
EVRYN
He is actually jealous, though, because “Rubéhaus” gets more
attention than he does.
USAGI
You know you’re an ass and you’re actually less of an ass
than you think.
ORION
Bite me, Rabbit.
USAGI bites Orion gently
ORION
*moans* Don’t do that.
EPIPHANY
[Make up your mind.]
SIGYN
He means "do it again", Epi, haven't you been
paying attention?
EPIPHANY
[No, of course not. I've been doing my best to ignore Onion.]
[ It isn't working, but still.]
[And it's "Dr. Trebuchet" to you.]
ORION
You’ll make me horny again.
USAGI
So? Illybrius says I can play with you too.
ORION
Really? I… am honored he trusts me with you.
EPIPHANY
[ Illybrius is a
horrible judge of character.]
EVRYN
I think everyone on
his side is.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, I trust you with him and him with you.
ORION
Does… he have a safe word?
USAGI blushes
We—we never did anything like that.
ORION
Oh… still better make sure he knows mine. It’s Terror.
EVRYN
And this will never be mentioned again.
USAGI
Now he knows. I don’t hate you anymore.
ORION
And why would that be?
EPIPHANY
[Seriously. He was
just talking about you as if you weren't present.]
USAGI shrugs
Found someone I hate more. Plus, it’s kinda sweet seeing how
you been with Illybrius lately.
EVRYN
Plus you’re a horrible judge of character.
USAGI
That too.
ORION
Sweet?! Dear god, it’s happening already.
USAGI
*chuckles* C’mon, don’t take it bad. I rib people, it’s what
I do.
ORION
Well, I might as well go the final step. Call me Kannon.
Cane-none.
EVRYN
Got it. Cane One.
EPIPHANY
[Can we cane ALL of them?]
OVD
No, you may not.
EPIPHANY
[What about only some of them?]
OVD
You may cane Cane One. You may not cane anybody else.
EPIPHANY
[But he would enjoy it!]
DREPANON, equally petulant
That takes all the fun out!
SIGYN
No, it do... hmmm... That would be an interesting tactic,
though.
CINNAMON
What, pretending to not be too kinky to torture?
SIGYN
Yes, that.
USAGI
Whatever, I don’t use names much.
EVRYN
Neither do I. I live in California. I call everyone “dude”.
OVD
Evryn! It’s too early for that plot point!
EVRYN
Dude, I should think it obvious by now.
ORION CANE ONE
Still, if I am becoming like I used to be… it’s better you
not call me slave anymore.
USAGI
I don’t. I call you Oreo mosta the time.
CANE ONE
Great. Not only am I becoming human again--
[CUE MUSIC: Human Again]
CANE ONE
-- I’m edible too. Wait.. I didn’t mean for it to come out
like that.
EPIPHANY
[ I don't understand
what's going on.]
[This is an
extremely uncomfortable feeling.]
EVRYN
I think I
understand, and I wish I didn't, so your uncomfortable feeling is more
comfortable than my uncomfortable feeling.
USAGI
You go good with milk.
CANE ONE
*sigh* Depends on the type.
CINNAMON
You’re milk’s favorite cookie! Um… what was that about coming
out?
CANE ONE
I think I go best with Rabbit and Falcon cream.
EPIPHANY
[Holy double entendre, Batman!]
ILLYBRIUS
You have a cream filling, actually.
CANE ONE
I just realized I was gay, Cinnamon.
CINNAMON
That’s what I thought. You guys talking about Oreos?
CANE ONE
What’s wrong with my filling? You said I taste good.
ILLYBRIUS
I think I should taste you again to make sure.
CANE ONE shudders
Careful. You are pushing fate.
CINNAMON
Oh my god! “Wudlov”?
USAGI
Yeah. My original name, Hati Wudlov. The orphanage changed my
last name to Woodman because it was more appropriate, apparently.
CINNAMON
*laughs uproariously* Seriously, your name’s more
embarrassing than mine!
USAGI
Kids at the orphanage renamed me Jinx and it kinda stuck.
CANE ONE
No more so than Eileen Dover.
EPIPHANY
[Oh no. Hurricane of old punny names incoming.]
CINNAMON
How is that bad?
CANE ONE
And her son was named Ben Dover.
CINNAMON
SERIOUSLY?!
CANE ONE
Yes. Akuma left that body as soon as she could.
EPIPHANY
[You're
bullshitting.]
CINNAMON
I’ll bet.
ILLYBRIUS
Cinnamon, unless you’d like me to reveal your human name, I
suggest you stop making fun of Usagi’s.
CANE ONE
You mean Siobhan?
EVRYN
You only know that through metagaming, so pipe down, Priapic.
ILLYBRIUS is doubled over with laughter
I don’t even think mine’s so bad now.
CINNAMON
Siobhan Augustine, yes. I still think “Hati Wudlov” is worse.
ILLYBRIUS
It IS.
CANE ONE
It’s not bad.
USAGI
To this day I haven’t been able to figure out if the
orphanage did me a favor by renaming me “Woodman”.
CINNAMON
Which is worse, Wudlov or Woodman?
ILLYBRIUS
Neither, as it actually suits you. If you were straight,
however…
CANE ONE
Both seem fine.
CINNAMON
How did you know my name?
CANE ONE
I had Corri in a gem, remember?
FLUOU
[Translation: He’s metagaming. ]
EVRYN smacks Orion on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper
Bad Cane-One. No cookie for you.
CINNAMON
*blows raspberry* My name was a source of eternal
embarrassment when I was younger. So, you’re shiny and he’s a food.
CANE ONE
Women are evil.
EPIPHANY holds up a sign with a raised middle finger on it.
CINNAMON
I’m a food too if we’re going by my Drakoste name. And yes,
yes we are. One day we’re gonna take over the world.
EVRYN runs a hand through pink-coloured locks
Erm…
EPIPHANY
[But you’re too smart to be Pinky.]
EVRYN
Not when I’m sober.
CINNAMON, XD
If we can all stop fighting with each other, that is.
CANE ONE
If you have Akuma lead the attack… yes you will.
CINNAMON
THE TIME FOR ACTION HAS PASSED! Now is the time for senseless
bickering.
USAGI picks up an Oreo and nibbles on it
Oreo, you do taste good.
CANE ONE
Umm... yes... good to know.
CINNAMON
*snickers* I used to hate those cookies. The cream made me
sick.
CANE ONE
If you don’t like my cream then don’t eat it.
ILLYBRIUS
Was this when you were dating Lenore?
CINNAMON
I said I USED to. I like them ok now. And… damn you, Lee, it
was when I was te-- you know what, I’m just gonna stop.
ILLYBRIUS
I like your cream, Ori.
CANE ONE, ^_^
LIGHTS OUT
WHITE TEXT
Usagi fights with Illybrius for
Oreo's cream filling.
Orion makes a O_O face and slips
quietly from the room
Cinnamon hands the boys chocolate
sauce
ILLYBRIUS
Don't go… I have a solution!
CIN
The Diamond Center?
ILLYBRIUS
No… Usagi and I can French-kiss
over the cream dispenser
WHITE TEXT
Orion moves even faster away
Illybrius runs after Orion,
catches him, and pulls him back in.
Orion makes a TT_TT face
Illybrius kneels to one side of
Orion
Usagi kneels on the other side
and kisses Illybrius, so Orion's cock is in both their mouths
ORION
*moans* That…ei…oh…
SERLEINA
GEORGE MACDONALD HAD A FIRM!
Wait… that's not right…
ILLYBRIUS
See? No need to run…
CIN
Lee, didn't your mother ever
teach you not to talk with your mouth full?
WT
Illybrius grabs Usagi's head and
pulls him closer, licking Orion's cock and Usagi's tongue furiously.
Usagi tongue-wrestles with
Illybrius's tongue and Oreo's "cream dispenser"
REIYA
Really? Wrestling is fake. It's
fake news.
SERLEINA
YOU'RE FAKE NEWS!
WT
Orion gives a strangled whimper
Usagi squeezes Orion's balls
Cinnamon turns on her camera and
hits RECORD
USAGI
Yum yum.
REIYA
That's one of the least sexy
things you can say.
USAGI
Oh yeah? HEMORRHOIDS! DIARRHEA!
TSUNAMI KILLING 500! AFTERBIRTH!
REIYA
That wasn't a challenge!
SERLEINA
Too bad. Drepanon does the
cha-cha like a sissy girl. He like a-do da cha-cha.
DREPANON
It's true. I do.
SIGYN
Why must you do these things?
SERLEINA AND DREPANON
Because we can and it's free.
WT
Orion moans and bucks
ORION
SO… good…
SERLEINA
See? He likes it.
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