Ep. 108. Your Name Is Not a Place

TITLE

Your Name Is Not a Place

 

SETTING

The Second Floor of the Library

 

Wed, Nov 12, 2008 at 11:25 AM

 

Shot: ILLYBRIUS

 

AKUMA

My Love, please hear me out.

 

ROSEMARY

In a beautiful world.

 

EPIPHANY

[ I don't know. She's in it.]

 

FAUS MAUS

And your parents are not!

 

EVRYN

Watch it.

 

EPIPHANY, santa claus scowl – over Evryn’s line

[SHUT THE FUCK UP.]

 

AKUMA

I have now doubt--

 

EVRYN

As opposed to no doubt?

 

AKUMA

that Impare came to you and told you about what was to happen.

No doubt you don't agree with what they want to do but....

 

ROSEMARY

How do you respond to questions asked?

 

AKUMA

You have to understand that it's been a long time.

 

EPIPHANY

[By ignoring them.]

 

AKUMA

Seventy years.

 

EPIPHANY

[Yeah. Sure.]

 

AKUMA

I don't even know if you guys are even still with me.

That last time I talked to you I was only able to tell you that I loved you before I lost control of my magic and had to be sedated so as not to hurt myself.

 

EPIPHANY

[This seems like the wrong solution to the problem.]

 

AKUMA

I am taking this chance.

It is my last chance.

 

ROSEMARY

And you are telling me your last name because?

 

EPIPHANY

[Last chance, last name, it's all the same to Rosemary.]

 

EVRYN

Last chance for what?

 

SIGYN

FALCON!

 

ROSEMARY

Yes good. Have a cookie for not breaking the fourth wall again.

 

AKUMA

I have to try to make this right so I can come home.

 

ROSEMARY

I never said you were right.

 

EPIPHANY

[Akuma is never right.]

 

AKUMA

Ripping apart my soul to correct the damage is risky but to be with those I love again I will do it.

 

ROSEMARY

What are you going to do?

 

EPIPHANY

[She's going to do something stupid for attention. Again.]

[Maybe if she spent another ‘seventy years’, she’d find a competent surgeon.]

 

NATE

The temptation to add in a dupe from our new favorite fandom is OVERWHELMING.

 

AKUMA

This will take fifty years and maybe by then...

 

ROSEMARY

*snorts* Hey! I realized that I can see the tops of trees out the window because I am on the second floor of the library! (I had forgotten).

 

AKUMA

I pray that you are still there and still remember and love me.

 

ROSEMARY

Ok. I have brown hair. That is all I will say.

 

EVRYN

Er… if you say so.

 

SIGYN

Green, brown, it's all the same to Rosemary.

 

ROSEMARY

Green, blue, it's all the same to Salo. Look at that green sky and those blue trees. That is what she would say.

 

AKUMA

By the time you get this it will have already started.

 

ROSEMARY

I have a lantern.

 

EPIPHANY

[ I thought you said you'd only say that you have brown hair, but now you also have a lantern?]

 

ROSEMARY

Hammerspace makes more sense than the demon's speech.

 

AKUMA

I'm an ANGEL!

 

[CUE MUSIC: Angel of Darkness]

 

EVRYN

Angel of Bad Decisions, maybe.

 

SIGYN

Which is fitting, since she's the favorite character of the God of Horrible Judges of Character.

 

EVRYN

... I wouldn't talk about either of those if I were you.

 

SIGYN, cheerfully

I’m sinning mine ass off!

 

AKUMA

Please just say a little prayer for me.

 

ROSEMARY

No.

 

EVRYN

You’re an angel. Say your own bloody prayers.

 

EPIPHANY

[Normally I'd ask if you couldn't just hand-deliver your own request instead of having other people do it for you, but then I remembered how useless you are.]

 

FAUS

I could pray for her, but it won’t be to whom she wants.

 

AKUMA

I love you now and forever.

 

EVRYN takes a shot.

 

ROSEMARY

This better be good guys, is the forest on fire?

 

AKUMA

Akuma Torina Falcon-Enzeru

 

EPIPHANY

[ Is the weeaboo on fire?]

 

ROSEMARY

Well I have a bug infestation at my house, can you help?

 

EVRYN

We can kill it. With FIRE!

 

AKUMA

No.

 

EPIPHANY

[Weeasue, you are killing my joy here.]

 

EVRYN

It's Aksuema, the Mighty One-Woman Joy-Killing Squad!

 

ILLYBRIUS

Actually, we're not allowed to gratuitously set buildings on fire. Remember, OVD forced us to give that PSA after The Trouble with Ezra?

 

EVRYN

Oh, yeah...

 

EPIPHANY

[Also, I will take your bugs. You don't need to kill them with fire.]

 

[SETTING: Land of the Dead |  11:35 AM]

 

Shot: USAGI

 

AKUMA

My Friend, I hope you can forgive me for not keeping my promise of letting you show me around.

 

EPIPHANY

[ I don't think anyone cares.]

 

EVRYN

Akuma, your existence is very unhealthy and you should go die in a fire. I don't even care what OVD says.

 

ROSEMARY

True. However, somehow there are plenty of unhealthy people who seem to go on living.

 

EVRYN

Not after they're set on fire. That's the point.

 

AKUMA

I don't even know if you are still around to keep that promise.

It's been seventy years.

 

EPIPHANY

[Yes. You've told us.]

 

FAUS

Twice.

 

EVRYN

Either way, I call bullshit. Because it’s still 2008.

 

MARIE

I wish you would stop telling us it’s been 70 years.

 

MILDRED

It’s been eighty-two years.

((or whatever that quote from Titanic is))

 

SERLEINA, dramatically

IT’S BEEN THREE THOUSAND YEARS!

 

AKUMA

I hope you are giving Lee lots of Kisses for me.

 

EVRYN

Ugh, I don’t.  Even HE deserves better than American chocolate.

 

AKUMA smiles

I know we haven't been close but...

 

ROSEMARY

Well, just put up with the fact that you're a machine and I'm not.

 

EPIPHANY

[+1]

 

AKUMA

I need a favor that I know I don't even have to ask for.

 

ROSEMARY

I don't believe you.

 

EPIPHANY

[Well, Akuma IS a lying liar who lies.]

 

AKUMA

I need you to keep an eye on Lee.

 

EPIPHANY

[See?]

 

ILLYBRIUS is still running around wearing a helicopter beanie.

 

AKUMA

In order to heal fully the gods in charge of my keeping need to rip apart my soul to heal it.

 

EPIPHANY

[Why are you telling us this AGAIN?]

[Also]

[That's stupid.]

[Souls aren't like bones. You don't need to break and re-set it again if it goes together wrong.]

 

FAUS

Maybe not YOUR soul.

 

EPIPHANY

[My soul isn’t even in this dimension. It’s a long story.]

 

FAUS

Exactly!

 

NATE

Hey guys, notice how Epiphany doesn’t derail the script with her entire Tragic Backstory?

 

OVD

It’s because she’s not being paid to.

 

EVRYN

You pay us in thoughts and prayers!

 

OVD

And Eternal Gratitude™

 

MARIE

You do know that it defeats the point when you put it on the record, right? You didn’t need to do that.

 

NATE

Need to? No. Want to? Yes. Because we drag Hennessy for the same things you drag Akuma for, and it brings my reset-bone soul joy to call them out.

 

AKUMA

This is a huge risk and I wouldn't take it normally but...

 

EPIPHANY

[But you can't do anything unless there's great peril involved so that people will worry about you.]

[Also, you're undergoing this procedure to fix a physical disability, not a soul disability.]

[This is such bullshit.]

 

ROSEMARY

So I guess that means you are stuck with me. Can you compute advanced calculus?

 

EPIPHANY

[ In my head, with my eyes closed.]

 

EVRYN

*whistles*  Impressive

 

AKUMA

I feel like I have abandoned all of you.

 

ROSEMARY

Of course you are.

 

FAUS

Please do, in fact.

 

AKUMA

I am only doing this because I love and miss you guys.

 

EPIPHANY

[No.]

[You're doing this because you would rather lose your personality than have a physical disability.]

 

EVRYN

To be entirely fair, if I had a personality like hers, I would like to lose it as well.

 

LENA

DERAILING!

 

EVRYN

Oh good, I see Drepanon gave you the Soapbox back.

 

LENA

Actually, I took it when I knocked him out with the Encyclopedia of Fuck You.

 

SIGYN

Unconscious boys can't say no!

 

LENA

...

 

SIGYN

Really? Nothing?

 

LENA

I'm just boggling at the fact that you said that RIGHT AFTER we confirmed that I have the Soapbox back.

 

SIGYN

It's reflexive.

 

LENA

Well... good job. Your reflex to be problematic temporarily overrode my reflex to go on social justice rants.

 

SERLEINA

You don't really do that, though. You just yell words.

 

LENA

So do you. I fail to see the difference.

 

SERLEINA

Now who's derailing?

 

AKUMA

Hopefully though...

 

LENA

Akuma.

 

AKUMA

I'll be home soon.

 

ROSEMARY

Where are you going?

 

AKUMA

Akumano Torina Enzeru

 

EPIPHANY

[That is not a place.]

[That is your name.]

[You may be confusing yourself with Hades.]

 

SIGYN

I could never confuse her with Hades. Hades is HOT.

 

LENA

I can't even.

 

EPIPHANY

[Better hope Persephone doesn't hear you.]

 

SIGYN

I've said that to her face before. She didn't seem particularly bothered. I guess when your husband finds you so attractive that he kidnaps you, you don't really have a lot of marital insecurities. Besides, just because I think he's hot doesn't mean I'd ever act on it, AND he's the only Olympian god who is actually faithful, so you know, it's more like a celebrity crush than some real thing.

 

FREDRIKA

My celebrity crush is unofficially married and also I’m the one who made him a celebrity.

 

EVRYN

Good for you! No-one asked!

 

SIGYN

Who even are you?

 

FREDRIKA

Find out next episode! Maybe!