TITLE
In which
Illybrius is interrupted a lot, part 1
SETTING
Orion’s room
(?)
Wed, Nov 12,
2008; 6.25 PM
ILLYBRIUS
What are the
terms?
FERRIN
You… are his
master?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. I and
my housemate, Usagi.
FERRIN
Good. By
demons… term though he still belongs to me.
AHRRY
Who? This isn’t
making any sense!
EVRYN whacks
Ahrry with the previous episode’s script
Orion, of
course!
EPIPHANY
rolls eyes
[Oh no.
ANOTHER slavery unplot.]
SIGYN
Firstly,
Ferrin, you're Illybrius's-- spoiler alert-- brother-in-law.
NATE
Spoiler
alerts are for people who care.
SIGYN
You should
KNOW this shit already. Secondly, if Orion "belongs" to you by
demons' terms, why did you ASK? Thirdly, since WHEN does Orion belong to you?
EVRYN
It was
brought up previously. Ferrin and Amberanne were the ones who used to keep him
as a ... companion.
SIGYN
Oh, right.
You know, I don't think "demon terms" should apply to Illybrius,
though, because not only is he a demigod, which generally cosmically outrank
demons, but also from another realm. Also, this entire conversation is taking
place in the Milky Way, not in Gä’Auth, and from my understanding, this is
neutral grounds.
EVRYN
It's also
the United States, where slavery is illegal.
SIGYN
...
Debatable, but okay.
EPIPHANY
[Unless you
own a prison, you're not allowed to own people here.]
SIGYN,
blushing
ALSO
debatable.
ILLYBRIUS
Miss Corri
said you were willing to negotiate.
EVRYN
FUCKING
WHEN?!
EPIPHANY
[What is there
to negotiate?]
SIGYN
I agree.
Just take your demon and run. And I say "your demon" because Orion
has made it clear that he consents to being Owned by Illybrius.
EVRYN
... if I
didn't know you weren't a blood relative of the Falcons, I would suspect you
were because of your infantilizing pedantry.
FERRIN
That I am.
EVRYN
No, you're
also an in-law to the Falcons. Keep this mess of a family tree straight.
ILLYBRIUS
The only
thing straight about my family tree is our hair.
EPIPHANY
[Tangled,
then.]
OVD
Anachronisms!
SERLEINA
We're not
talking Disney movies! PAY ATTENTION!
OVD
No.
MARIE
If the
director isn’t paying attention, who is?
NATE
I’m paying
attention to anything that’s Not Freya.
FAUS
Same.
ILLYBRIUS
Very well.
What price are you asking?
FERRIN
First things
first.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
NO! NO RESOLVING ANYTHING YET!]
FERRIN
Tell me how
much you are enjoying my little whore.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Give Corri wankfodder.]
ILLYBRIUS
He’s rather
adequate. I can see that he’s been trained well.
FERRIN
I try. Right
now he’s laying here at my feet like a good orion should be.
EPIPHANY
[Normally,
I'd say "SHOW. DON'T. TELL," but I'd really rather you just shut up.]
FREDRIKA
Wait, is he
wearing a muzzle? Ferrin, do you want one? I st… COMPLETELY LEGALLY acquired
one from the Baltimore State—
EPIPHANY
[Shut up, I
don’t want to know.]
FREDRIKA,
smirking like a JERK
Hospital for
the Criminally Insane.
TRINIAN,
cheerfully
Off a
patient!
ILLYBRIUS
Mi
Dolciumi... He is a sweetling.
FERRIN
Once you get
him going he’ll do anything for release.
EPIPHANY
rolls eyes, fire thoughts
[Here we
go.]
[Corri's
typing one-handed from here on out.]
AHRRY
The question
is, what is she doing with the other hand?
SERLEINA
MASTURBATING!
PAY ATTENTION.
AHRRY
If OVD
won't, then why do I have to?
OVD
DOUBLE
STANDARDS.
ILLYBRIUS,
-_-
So I’ve
seen.
MARIE
This entire
thing is a conga line of double standards.
EPIPHANY
[How am I
paying more attention than other members of the crew?]
FREDRIKA,
typing intently on her laptop
You’re not.
I for one plan to review this quite thoroughly on my blog.
NATE
I thought
you only did crime reporting?
FREDRIKA
This show is
so bad it should be illegal. … … I love it.
MARIE
It’s
certainly about things that would be illegal if they were real!
FERRIN
I’ll tell
you one thing. He really likes the whip and the paddle. You put a plug in him
and paddle him and he’ll do anything you ask.
FREDRIKA,
wistfully
Man, that
brings me back.
SIGYN
I mean, now
I'm paying attention.
EVRYN
OF COURSE
*YOU* ARE.
OVD
Isn't she
paid to pay attention?
EPIPHANY
[Speaking of
being paid, that's the only reason I'm not whipping out a book right now.]
EVRYN
You got paid
for-- wait, no, that was by me.
ILLYBRIUS,
-_-
I’ll keep
that in mind.
AHRRY
He’ll do the
laundry for you! And wash the dishes for you! And he’ll go to the DMV and get
your license. And a bunch of other amazing things! Like fill out paperwork for
you, and pay for your bail… I wish I had somebody paying for my bail.
EVRYN
See? Ahrry’s
not being a horny idiot.
EPIPHANY
[I am
actually appreciating Ahrry. Look what we’ve been reduced to.]
SERLEINA
YOU’RE THE
ONE WHO KEEPS BUYING POP TARTS! WHAT IS YOUR FASCINATION WITH THOSE THINGS?
SERIOUSLY! I DON’T GET IT! THEY MAKE MY THROAT ALL DRY AND THEN I HAVE TO CUT
OPEN A BABY AND DRINK ITS BLOOD AND I’M GETTING SERIOUSLY TIRED OF HAVING TO
WALK AAAALL THE WAY TO THE MATERNITY WARD BECAUSE *SOMEBODY* STOLE MY CAR AND
SOLD IT FOR POP TART MONEY!
AHRRY
Not MY fault
you drove a classic!
SERLEINA
THAT WAS A
1956 JAGUAR ROADSTER!
TOKIOMI
Hey! That
was MY car!
TRINIAN
You have
really good taste!
SERLEINA
Not for
long!
EVRYN
Yeah,
Akuma’s his favorite character.
FERRIN
The best
place for him though is on his hands and knees with a collar and leash like he
is now.
FREDRIKA, 😍
AHRRY
No! The best
place for him is at the DMV! We covered this!
SERLEINA
Or chaufferring
me to the maternity ward! Or, you know, wherever!
EPIPHANY
[So let me
get this straight. Or tangled. Whichever. Corri set this up not for drama, but
so that she could have a captive audience for narrating this wank fantasy of
hers.]
SIGYN
What are you
complaining about? It worked!
EVRYN
THAT'S WHY
SHE'S COMPLAINING!
FERRIN
I’ve even
taught him how to be the perfect chair. You can sit on him for hours and he won’t
make a sound.
ILLYBRIUS,
-_-
How useful.
AHRRY
That is
terrible. Terribly stupid.
FLUOU
[Trans--dammit
ahrry you already said it]
AHRRY
How is that
the best place for him?
SIGYN
Because he’s
too lazy to buy a chair, I guess.
MARIE
And he’s too
broke for a milk carton.
SERLEINA
Then he
should make Onion chauffer him to IKEA, and then make Onion put the chair
together for him.
SIGYN
Um, but
Onion can't read.
SERLEINA
Does it
matter? The instructions are from IKEA. Insert tab A into slot B. You should be
familiar with that concept.
EVRYN
IKEA
instructions are entirely pictograhic.
ORION,
offstage
I can't read
hieroglyphs either!
EVRYN
SHUT UP,
CHAIR.
ORION
CHAIR, OTP!
SERLEINA
HELLZ YEAH!
OVD
THIS ISN'T
GOSSIP GIRL!
FERRIN
Very. Now it
pains me to lose him since I’ve spent so much time on him.
AHRRY
Oh, you
mean, so much time sitting around on him?
SIGYN
See? I told
you he’s too lazy to buy a chair.
EVRYN
You guessed.
You don’t get to say that triumphantly if you guessed.
SIGYN
I still
called it!
FERRIN
He’s a good
whore.
MARIE
Is he,
though? He’s the most obnoxious person we’ve ever met.
TRINIAN
You guys
should meet my therapist!
FREDRIKA
I have.
TRINIAN
… THAT’S
where I know you from! You’re that reporter!
ILLYBRIUS
However, all
good things must eventually end. I would like mi Dolciumi back.
FERRIN
Technically
by demon law he is still mine.
EPIPHANY
[We've been
over this.]
AHRRY
Fuck demon
law. What’s going to happen if we break it, are the demon police going to come
and throw us in demon jail? Are we gonna go to Hell in Hell? Or just Job Corps?
SERLEINA
I heard the
Demon Mafia took over Job Corps.
SIGYN
The Demon
Mafia would be much less annoying and more efficient about running Job Corps if
they'd taken it over.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, but you
have said that you are willing to negotiate. I would like to know the terms, if
you please.
EPIPHANY
[Well, part
of the terms is you listening to Corri's wank fantasy, but okay.]
SIGYN
Well, by
that logic, I now own Onion outright.
DREPANON
GOOD. That
means you have no more use for Meta.
SIGYN
I didn't say
I was going to APPLY the logic and DEMAND Onion outright.
DREPANON
Why not?
That would be so in-character for you.
SIGYN
Bite me.
DREPANON
Not if you
paid me.
OVD
I'M paying
you, to shut up and let the cast talk.
DREPANON
Technically
you aren't paying me yet.
OVD
THEN GET THE
FUCK OFF MY STAGE.
[ragequit
DREPANON]
FERRIN
How much are
you willing to pay?
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Whyyyyyy do you have to go and make me DECIDE on something concrete like that!
Mess with the unsexy numbers for me.]
OVD
Another good
use for Onion right now would be to have him as your accountant. See all these creative
uses for a ...
...
...
EVRYN
What?
OVD
...
I don't know
if that zap gun will get me through the ceiling. Anyway, all these creative
uses and Corri just goes with the lowest common denominator.
EPIPHANY
[When did
you become part of the Greek Chorus?]
OVD
Good, you're
not calling it a "Greek Choir" anymore.
DESMODA
It's her
third language, it's fine.
ILLYBRIUS
It depends
on the currency.
DREPANON,
offstage
Sex and
candy?
OVD
Look, either
you can be Wischcanon until your official debut or you can be Corricanon until
your official debut, but you have to choose.
FERRIN
Gems and
blood my friend.
DREPANON,
offstage
Close
enough.
OVD
You know,
when I told you to get off my stage, I also meant to clear out of backstage.
DREPANON
You mean...
you wanted me to exeunt the *set*?
OVD
WHY ARE YOU
SO DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH? YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST. YOU ARE THE KAKISTOS OF
ACTORS AND CHARACTERS.
DREPANON
You're the
Mensa candidate who hired a DEMON KING.
OVD
You
supplanted the initial demon king!
DREPANON
Well that's
appropriate, considering that the name of one of the people I'm based on means
"The Supplanter."
OVD
Once again,
please commit to a characterization.
DREPANON
I WILL NEVER
COMMIT AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!
SERLEINA
This is so
meta, I love it.
OVD
No, that's
his son.
SERLEINA
Same
difference.
EVRYN
SPOILER
ALERT!
SERLEINA AND
OVD
*fart noise*
ILLYBRIUS
Gems are
plentiful and I will pay you any amount you’d like. Blood is rather precious,
and it does depend on if it’s my blood or another’s you would like.
FERRIN
Blood
rubies.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Fuck it! I'll just combine the two.]
DREPANON
Yes, that's
basically what happened when my son and I were written for this--
SERLEINA
*RENEGADE
INTERRUPT!*
ILLYBRIUS
Blood rubies…
FLUOU THE
TRANSLATION GUY
[Translation:
What the fuck are those?]
FERRIN
How many for
him?
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME DO WORK.]
SERLEINA
I told you
the Demon Mafia had taken over Job Corps. Clearly, he’s on a day pass right
now.
SIGYN
I'm guessing
he's over 18, then, because it usually takes blood, sweat, and tears to get
Meta one of those.
DREPANON,
offstage
... you call
me and have me talk to the staff. I fail to see how that's so harrowing.
SIGYN
Have you met
you?
DREPANON
Yes, and I'm
a delight.
TRINIAN,
brightly
Okay, I
believe you!
EPIPHANY
[ In any
case, it's possibly he's talking about pigeon blood rubies, which is the name
for the most desirable shade of red.]
SERLEINA
Just give
him a red TOPAZ.
EPIPHANY
[ I agree.]
ILLYBRIUS
I shall have
to take a note of our inventory. A moment, if you please.
FLUOU
[Translation:
Oh fuck it; I’ll just pull something out of my ass.]
AHRRY
Why don’t
you just steal Orion back? I mean, this guy’s so lazy, he’s not gonna do
anything about it.
SERLEINA
That's Job
Corps students for you.
FERRIN
Fine. I have
a way to stay occupied.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
I fucking hate you and your wankblocking]
SIGYN
Notably, I
*don't*. I have no complaints whatsoever about this.
ILLYBRIUS
How many
would you like, and of what size and shape?
FERRIN holds
up a coin
100 blood
rubies about the size of this… hold on.
*pause*
Quarter. Thank you, my orion. What do you say?
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
FINE, I'll do work, but it will be the most half-assed job ever.]
SERLEINA
JOOOOOOBBBBB
COOOORRRRRRRPS!
AHRRY
Apparently, it’s
pay week.
ILLYBRIUS
Very well. I’ll
see what I can do. Mind you, it will be a task to acquire them, but I trust you’ll
be patient.
FLUOU
[Translation:
Time to talk to the props department!]
[exit
ILLYBRIUS, enter FENNEL]
FERRIN
Of course.
As long as I have my Orion I know I’ll get them. Do you mind if I play with him
while I wait?
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Can we get back to the wank NOW?]
FENNEL
Lord
Illybrius is gone. He’s finding the rubies. I’m Fennel Kogulo. Nice to meet
you!
FLUOU
[Translation:
Team Falcon's writers got bored and popped in a random perky girl who’s
probably semi-important to the non-plot later.]
FERRIN
That was a
bit rude of him.
EVRYN
Why? He said
he was going to get the rubies. There was no reason for him to stick around.
MARIE
Ferrin, do
you really have any room to talk? The entire premise of this episode is
predicated on you being EXTREMELY rude.
TRINIAN,
cheerfully
You should
meet my therapist! Really, Ferrin. You in particular should.
SIGYN
Can I just
point out that Ferrin is the second Corri character to call one of Team Falcon
"rude" for leaving after they said they were going to?
EPIPHANY
[Well, Corri
didn't give him permission to leave.]
SIGYN
Which I
would be all for if Illybrius had consented to that sort of dynamic with Ferrin
beforehand.
EPIPHANY
[But
meanwhile!]
[CUT]
CORRI
IT
BURRRRRRRRRNNNNNS! IT ALSO BURNS RETROACTIVELY, BECAUSE I FORGOT MY CUE LAST
TIME!
[CUT]
EPIPHANY
grins
FERRIN
But I can
wait. He can take his time.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
I'm going to be passive-aggressive until you stop wankblocking Corri!]
FERRIN
My name is
Ferrin, son of Vriyn.
AHRRY
Why not
something simple, like Aaron?
SIGYN
Because this
character was written by Corri, and if his name sounded like that, it would be
spelled like Errin or Arynne or something stupid like that.
EVRYN
Didn't we
initially *have* an Aaron on this show and then we just combined him with
Nevean?
OVD
SPOI... fuck
it. Whatever. I don't care.
FENNEL
Daughter of
Maheone.
FERRIN
The Breeder?
EVRYN
No, he’s a
fertility god. “Breeder” is a stupid title.
EPIPHANY
[Maybe
Ferrin is one of those assholishly-aggressive childfree types and means it as a
derogatory term for "parent"?]
[ It'd be
redundant, given the context, but it's Corri writing it.]
EVRYN
Honestly, I
think it’s much more likely that she’s just trying to make him sound more
sparkly-special by giving him a stupid-ass title.
AHRRY
I call
people breeders.
SERLEINA
YEAH, BUT WE’RE
AGGRESSIVE ASSES! AND CHILDFREE! YAAAAYYY COAT HANGERS!
FERRIN
Hmm… does
this… Lord Illybrius know him as well?
EVRYN
Biblically,
according to Corri. According to his
actual writer, just in the non-Biblical sense.
FENNEL
Uh… I guess.
They’re both Mahari.
FERRIN
Really? Hmm…
good to know.
FENNEL
I don’t
think they like each other very much though. They haven’t spoken in a few
thousand years.
FERRIN
Even better…
and… my orion… is pet to him
EPIPHANY
zaps Ferrin
FERRIN
… Nice.
EPIPHANY,
fire thoughts
[ If this is
Corri's attempt at some kind of foreshadowing, she's doing a shit job of it.]
EVRYN
I think I
have a diagram for this. One sec.
*rummages
around in purse*
EVRYN holds
up
[{FORESHADOWING}]
[enter
USAGI]
USAGI
Fennel,
dear, it’s bedtime.
[exit
FENNEL]
USAGI
I’m terribly
sorry she’s disturbed you. She likes to roam about after dark.
FERRIN
Quite the
opposite. She’s quite the dear thing.
USAGI
Then I’m
glad to see she’s pleased you. My name is Usagi. I’m Lord Illybrius’s
housemate.
FERRIN
And the
second master to my orion correct?
USAGI
Correct.
FERRIN
Tell me… how
do you like my little whore?
EVRYN
Does he just
randomly ask that of everyone that Onion knows?
FAUS
In that
case, the correct answer would probably be something like, “Splendidly, and how
is your mother?”
FREDRIKA
… What?
FAUS
Oh, that’s
probably the greeting in Ferrin’s culture.
FREDRIKA,
typing furiously
This show
gets worse and worse with every line. I love it.
USAGI
I have not
been around much to experience him.
FERRIN
Pity.
AKUMA,
aggressively slurping bubble tea
Where?! Can
I have some?
FERRIN
No, go back
into your akoma!
AKUMA
Aww.
AKUMA faints
dramatically with an Akuma Noise
USAGI
I have
perhaps… once, and he made quite an impression.
EVRYN
You know,
these lines really aren’t you.
USAGI
I didn’t
write them. Désmoda did.
EVRYN
Ah, that
explains it.
FERRIN
Good. Glad
to know he still knows how to please.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
I am getting my hopes up.]
EVRYN
That's what
he said.
OREGANO
He has 🎵high, high hopes for a living!🎵
USAGI
You’ve
trained him well, my lord…?
FERRIN
Ferrin.
Please just Ferrin.
MARIE
This guy
talks like an NPC from before chatbots were a thing. He talks like all of his
lines were pre-written—
EVRYN
He’s a Corri
Character, so of course he fails the Turing Test.
MARIE
Yes, but
he’s failing it REALLY BADLY this time!
USAGI
Ferrin. You
have power.
AHRRY
The power of
being a lazy fuck.
USAGI
Anyone with
intuition can feel it, and mine’s pretty mild.
FERRIN
Glad to see
someone know power.
EVRYN
Biblically?
SERLEINA
WELL IF
POWER IS STILL CODE FOR COCK, THEN YEAH!
SIGYN
Well, now I
know where Onion got the whole "knowing power" obsession from.
EVRYN
Yes. Their
lazy writer.
SIGYN
I meant
in-universe.
FERRIN
I can share
some… if you like.
USAGI
Mmmmmm,
actually, all that power I’m sensing is making me aroused.
EVRYN
Oh, not this
crap again.
MARIE
You can tell
Désmoda wrote his lines.
OVD
Don’t worry.
There aren’t any lights-out scenes in this episode.
FERRIN
Hmmm… should
you ever need… someone with a wilder taint during sex call my name.
AHRRY
Typically, it’s
not the taint you’re looking for during sex, whether you’re gay or not.
FERRIN
I’ll show
you worlds of pleasure.
EVRYN
Because he
totally hasn’t heard that one before.
EPIPHANY
[What does
"wilder taint" mean?]
[ Is he
trying to say he has some sort of out-of-control fungal infection behind his
scrotum?]
[Why would
anyone find that attractive?]
EVRYN
I think he
means someone who's more corrupt, not someone who has a wild infection on their
actual physical taint.
AHRRY
He probably
does have one, though. I can smell it.
EVRYN
No, that’s
just the smell of Job Corps.
SERLEINA
MEDIOCRITY!
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