TITLE
In which Illybrius is interrupted a lot, part 3
SETTING
Orion’s room
(?)
Wed, Nov 12,
2008
[8.04 PM |
[enter ILLYBRIUS and DRAKE]
DRAKE hits
Ferrin over the head with a frying pan
ILLYBRIUS
Don’t hurt
Ori—
DRAKE
Not Orion.
Ferrin.
ILLYBRIUS
No, no of
course. You knocked Ferrin out.
EPIPHANY
[Don't
worry. I have a hard time telling the Corri Sues apart, too.]
DRAKE
No, I killed
him.
EPIPHANY
[Thus using
Deus ex Machina to render this entire episode pointless.]
[Does this
seem like Corri throwing a temper tantrum because over not getting the results
she wanted to you?]
EVRYN
Now that you
mention it, it does!
AHRRY
This is what
happens when you don’t make it back by curfew and you already have ten
write-ups.
SIGYN
What, Corri
sends a douchebag to kill you?
EVRYN
Oh, you’ll
see.
SERLEINA
No, THE
DEMON MAFIA kneecaps you and forces you to write shitty scripts.
SIGYN
I'm really
not seeing the difference between that and the regular Corri drivel. This
entire series is basically a Shaggy Dog Story, is it not?
DREPANON
Obviously,
if what I've heard is true and YOU'RE going to be a main character.
SIGYN
Go pet a
cactus.
DRAKE
However, I
think your fish need live food.
EPIPHANY
[You would
be incorrect. Piranhas actually prefer dead food in real life.]
EVRYN
Maybe he's
breeding a mutant strain?
EPIPHANY
[ It's
possible.]
[He
certainly has enough time on his hands.]
SIGYN
You've
already addressed this.
EVRYN
It's still
more interesting than the Corri drivel.
ILLYBRIUS
Merci
beaucoup.
EVRYN
I don’t
think that was a compliment.
AHRRY
What does it
mean?
SIGYN
“Thank you
very much.”
DRAKE
You’re
welcome. However…
EUGENIE
Shame
Corner!
DRAKE, in
the However Shame Corner
I think it’s
best… I’ll be right back with Orion for you okay?
EPIPHANY
[Oh, so HE'S
allowed to leave the room to get something?]
ILLYBRIUS
Ori—
DRAKE
Got him.
REIYA
You didn't
even go anywhere.
AHRRY
WOW HE MUST
HAVE BEEN STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.
EPIPHANY
[... Oh.]
[enter
ORION]
MARIE
I think
there’s been entirely too much of that in the last few episodes.
ILLYBRIUS
Ori—
USAGI
Illybrius,
bad news.
EVRYN
I don’t know
how he puts up with being interrupted so much.
USAGI
Cinnamon and
Corri have both collapsed.
EVRYN
FUCKING
WHERE?
SERLEINA
DO NOT SHIP.
EPIPHANY
[Presumably
in the place we both cut to earlier.]
USAGI
Caleb’s
reviving Corri.
EVRYN
You’re
right. That is bad news!
DRAKE
Damn it, I
told Maheone Corri’s energy couldn’t hold him.
EPIPHANY rolls
eyes
[Fakeheone
strikes again.]
DRAKE
Illybrius.
Orion needs a jump start.
EPIPHANY
[Look, man,
just get the jumper cables.]
AHRRY, with
cables photoshopped into his mouth
I got your
cables, right here.
TOKIOMI
This is why
I can't have nice things.
SERLEINA
Yeah. I'm
gonna miss using those.
SIGYN
... I...
Wow.
SERLEINA
U jelly?
SIGYN
By the Power
of Butthurt, I... am... MADBRO!!!
DRAKE
Think you
can handle him? Illybrius are you there?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. I just
thought that since everyone was interrupting me, no one cared what I had to
say.
DREPANON
I wish I'd
used that tac—
SERLEINA
VROOM VROOM,
MOTHERFUCKER!
DREPANON
Wha—
SERLEINA
VROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!~
DRAKE
Think you
can handle him? They need me back to handle our other problem.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion?
Anybody?
EVRYN
I think this
is his way of getting back at you for ignoring him.
[exit DRAKE:
RAGEQUIT!]
EPIPHANY
[Yep.
Definitely a temper tantrum.]
ORION
Lee… he didn’t
hurt you did he?
ILLYBRIUS
No. Someone
stood in for me.
EPIPHANY
looks at Evryn
EVRYN
Don’t look
at me. I don’t have any idea what they’re talking about either.
AHRRY
Someone
stood in, all right. With a frying pan.
ORION
Who?
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t
know. Cinnamon couldn’t trace him. Oh no! Cinnamon, she—
ORION
What?
EPIPHANY
[ I'd say
"Protip: Don't interrupt if you want answers", but that's a big
"if".]
ILLYBRIUS
The—the one
who stood in for me. Usagi said that he said she’s—
ORION
Kio, go. She
needs you.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Don't care. Get a move on, already.]
AHRRY
Oh, god, I
thought the plot of this episode had been resolved with the frying pan. What
kind of horrible, cruel stuff is going to be pulled out of Corri’s trick box?
EVRYN
Corri’s box
plays tricks?
SIGYN
EVRYN!
EVRYN
You know,
your objections are really quite random.
ILLYBRIUS
She—no, she—
SIGYN
I really don’t
think we need to hear about Corri’s box right now.
OVD
Ew, no.
USAGI
Does “donikrya”
mean what I think it means? “No life”?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
EPIPHANY
[What's
going on?]
EVRYN
Probably
something in a simultaneous episode.
USAGI
That’s what
the other guy said.
ORION
There must
be something you can do.
ILLYBRIUS
And I quote:
“No pulse. No brainwaves.”
FREDRIKA
A perfect
description of this show!
EPIPHANY
[Excuse you.
Lifeist.]
FREDRIKA
And that
sign doesn’t bother me because Orion can’t read!
AHRRY
Wi-Fi
adapter broooken.
ORION
TRY DAMN IT!
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
STAY THE FUCK ON THE RAILS, DAMN IT!]
EVRYN
No, fuck
your rails.
EPIPHANY
[ I think
he'd enjoy that.]
AHRRY
You know
what I’m not enjoying? Not being able to find a working port for my Ethernet
cable.
EPIPHANY
[That sounds
like a personal problem.]
AHRRY
So is
Tokiomi's molestation trauma, but we bring that up out of the blue for no
particular reason, too.
SERLEINA
RUDE.
ILLYBRIUS
Whoever it
is knows my name. My original name.
ORION
Great. Yet
another unknown. This is getting damn dangerous.
ILLYBRIUS
“Getting.”
ORION
Fine. It is
dangerous. Better?
EPIPHANY
[No. This is
still all incredibly stupid.]
ILLYBRIUS
Ori, my poor
Ori, what did he do to you?
MARIE
Didn’t
Ferrin go into agonizingly boring detail?
FREDRIKA
One person’s
opinion.
AHRRY
HE USED HIM
AS A CHAIR. FOR HOURS. HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER?
ORION
No. I don’t
want to remember.
MARIE
Actually,
you know what, can’t blame you. I’d rather scrub it from my memory, too.
ILLYBRIUS
I
understand.
FLUOU
[Translation:
I’m actually going to respect your wishes!]
[CUT to
Corri going about her day]
CORRI
NO! IT
BURNS!
[CUT back to
set]
EPIPHANY
[wASN'T SHE UNCONSCIOUS]
EVRYN
She woke up
specifically to complain about her anaphylaxis.
EPIPHANY
[Oh, okay.]
ORION
Amberanne is
nothing compared to him.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
NO! WORK FOR IT!]
ILLYBRIUS
I’m sorry
you had to go through all of that. Every day a new disaster.
EPIPHANY
[That's how
Corri is.]
ORION
What did he
tell you… about me?
EPIPHANY
[So much for
not wanting to remember. Corri’s only fishing for Illybrius to regurgitate it.]
DÉSMODA
You know, I
try to avoid the ten men living in my basement, with whom I’m not on
good terms, regurgitating anything.
EPIPHANY
[Corri’s
secondhand voyeurism isn’t enough. Now she needs Illybrius to repeat it back to
her.]
FREDRIKA
That’s
incredibly stupid.
EPIPHANY
[I AGREE]
[And for
once I don’t have a technical word for this!]
[Third-hand
doesn’t quite work because it’s being returned.]
ILLYBRIUS
Nothing. He
said that you were screaming at him not to let me something.
ORION
He wanted
you. I … didn’t want him to touch you.
EPIPHANY
rolls eyes
ILLYBRIUS
Is there a
particular reason?
ORION
I… he… I couldn’t…
not you…
ILLYBRIUS
Please try
to calm down and form full sentences.
EVRYN
That's not
going to work. Epiphany's been trying to get him to speak in full sentences
since day one.
ORION
I couldn’t
let him hurt you the way he hurt me.
EVRYN
!!! Why does
it work when HE does it?
REIYA
How very
faux-noble of you, Onion.
EVRYN
Fauxble,
even.
REIYA
giggles
EPIPHANY,
Santa Claus scowl
[WHY DOES IT
WORK WHEN HE DOES IT]
AHRRY
Because I
mean, being used as a chair can make one very sore.
EVRYN
What.
AHRRY looks
pointedly at Serleina.
SERLEINA
YOU’RE A
BEAST OF BURDEN. IT IS LITERALLY YOUR JOB TO CARRY STUFF. HOW ARE YOU
COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS?
AHRRY
It is my job
to carry stuff. Like Pop Tarts. Lots of Pop Tarts.
SERLEINA
stands on top of Ahrry
I AM THE
BONE OF MY POP TARTS! FLAKY PASTRY IS MY BODY AND RASPBERRY JELLY IS MY BLOOD!
I HAVE CREATED OVER A THOUSAND SUGAR SHOCKS! UNKNOWN TO HEALTH, NOR KNOWN TO
DIET! I AM THE CHAMPION'S BREFFIXT!
ILLYBRIUS
He wouldn’t
have. Somebody was standing in for me the whole time. Well, from the removal of
the vest onwards.
ORION
I didn’t
know. I was … scared.
AHRRY
You were
standing RIGHT NEXT TO THE GUY, JUST OFFSTAGE.
ILLYBRIUS
I know.
ORION
Blake made
sure he can’t come back this time.
EPIPHANY
[As if that
means anything. Corri can mass-produce throwaway characters to fill the exact
same role.]
ILLYBRIUS
I know. I’ll
have to ask Larlia to fix my tower up again.
MARIE
Is that a
euphemism?
AHRRY
I think he
means his WiFi router.
SIGYN
Is that a
euphemism?
ORION
And neither
with Amberanne.
EVRYN
Don’t you
mean “neither WILL Amberanne”?
ORION
Shut up!
Stop poking holes in my line delivery!
NATE
Shut up!
She’ll poke holes in whatever she wants!
FREDRIKA
If that’s
what you’re into.
SIGYN
Uh, I’ve
seen your “research” history. You have the least right to kink-shame out of ANY
OF US.
SERLEINA
SO AS I
PRAY, UNLIMITED POP TART WORKS!
ILLYBRIUS
Excellent.
ORION
I’m sorry.
It was my fault.
EVRYN
So you admit
that your line delivery was off!
ORION
Not that! I
should have made sure he was dead.
EPIPHANY
[ I know
you're just fishing for wangst to fill the void between arbitrary crises, but
it's damn annoying.]
ILLYBRIUS
True, but I
do not fault you.
ORION
I’m just
glad he didn’t touch you.
ILLYBRIUS
He touched
you, though. I couldn’t do a thing to help!
ORION
It was
nothing bad. Just a few bruises.
EPIPHANY
[You are
contradicting yourself.]
ILLYBRIUS
Then he
exaggerated.
EPIPHANY
[Did you
expect anything factual to fall out of a Corri Villain’s mouth?]
TRINIAN,
happily
Yes!
EPIPHANY
[They’ll say
anything to get the scene Corri wants.]
ORION
Let me see.
*pause* He wasn’t
lying.
EPIPHANY
rolls eyes
ILLYBRIUS
Ori, my poor
sweet Ori!
ORION
I was
exactly where he said I was.
ILLYBRIUS
I should
tell you that the shortening of your—what they call you—
EVRYN
It’s called
a nickname.
ILLYBRIUS
“Ori” means “gold”.
ORION
Why would
you call me that?
FREDRIKA
Because he’s
too lazy for three syllables?
MARIE
People
shorten long names all the time. Have you noticed how everyone calls Epiphany
“Epi”?
ILLYBRIUS
Are you
offended?
ORION
No I just… I’m
not… anything special
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
No, you just destroyed all enjoyment Corri gets out of you calling Onion that.]
EVRYN
Also, the
next person on this show who claims they aren't special is getting punched in
the face.
OVD
Approved.
ILLYBRIUS
You are.
ORION
Only you
would think so.
ILLYBRIUS
Usagi thinks
so. So does—did—Cinnamon, who is alive, but… It is not an overly serious
matter.
ORION
I hope not.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
I hope not. It would take time away from important things, like whatever crisis
Corri comes up with next.]
ILLYBRIUS
She’s merely
regressed.
FLUOU
[Translation:
Cinnamon wants attention, too.]
ORION
She can be
fixed right?
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
This had better not take spotlight away from the Corri Sues.]
EVRYN
I wish Onion
would get fixed.
ILLYBRIUS
I’m working
on it, my love.
ORION
I… am so
tired.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
SPOTLIGHT BACK ON ME. NOW.]
FRED
I'm the
lighting guy, and I say fuck you!
[SPOTLIGHT
appears on THE FICUS during Orion's lines for the rest of the scene]
ILLYBRIUS
My love, my
Ori, let me hold you.
ORION
Please do
but you will forgive me if I fall asleep right?
ILLYBRIUS
Of course I
will!
ORION
Good.
Because I’m so tired.
ILLYBRIUS
cradles Orion
ORION
Vran.
ILLYBRIUS
purrs
ORION
Feel…
sleepy.
EPIPHANY
[You're
repeating yourself.]
ILLYBRIUS
Go ahead, go
to sleep. You deserve some rest.
SERLEINA
PERMANENTLY!
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