TITLE
In which
Illybrius is interrupted a lot, part 4
SETTING
Orion’s room
(?)
Wed, Nov 12,
2008
[TIME: 9.00
PM]
ORION
(Ficus)
Thank you.
You saved me again.
EPIPHANY
[Suddenly,
speaking in complete sentences again!]
FRED
That's not
going to get your lighting privileges back any sooner, you know!
ILLYBRIUS
My sweet
Ori, you are so strong, so much more than you give yourself credit for.
AHRRY, who
is now atop Werewolf!Serleina
Yeah, I’m
sure being a chair for several hours takes a lot of strength. For a piddly
human-shaped demon.
ORION
Only you
would ever care about me.
ILLYBRIUS
Don’t be a
butthead. I care. Usagi cares. Cinnamon will care when she comes back to the
present. Drake cares.
EVRYN
Bees care!
FRED
Then I’m
glad I’m the lighting guy and not a bee.
ORION
Wish I had
people like you around ten thousand years ago.
EVRYN
Oh, go
pollinate yourself.
WASPRYN
suddenly appears and looks angrily at EVRYN
EVRYN
Sorry.
REIYA
Wait, what?!
EVRYN
That's
Waspryn. She was written out of most of the show, but occasionally she insists
on making an appearance.
SIGYN
Sounds like
she and Cinnamon have something in common.
DREPANON
I wish they
would write YOU out.
SIGYN
You know
what they say about if wishes were horses...?
SERLEINA
bark-laughs
ILLYBRIUS
You deserve
better than you’ve had.
ORION
If I had
people like you when I lost Damien… I might not have done what I did.
EVRYN
Dude, Damien
deserves better too, than a widower who just endlessly wangsts about his lack
of existence while screwing the first guy to pay attention to him after his lover’s
death.
SERLEINA
HEY ONION,
YOU WANT SOME HOT CHOCOLATE! IT’S NICE AND WARM… WARMER THAN YOUR DEAD…
boyfriend?
EVRYN
Husband.
SERLEINA
HUSBAND!
ORION, TT_TT
YOU DON’T
UNDERSTAND ME! NO-ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT TIME WHEN I WAS
ONLY STUPID-HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND DURAL AND HIS CRONIES TRIED TO GIVE ME
HOT-CHOCOLATE-ENEMAS TO DEATH! WHYYYYY???? CRUEL WORLD, WHY AM I THE TWIN THAT
SURVIVED?!
SERLEINA
Wait, what?
FREDRIKA
No, this is
a legitimate Gä’Auth tradition. The demons poured hot chocolate into his butt
so they could fornicate with the blisters. And according to my research, Orion was
the twin who survived that encounter.
ILLYBRIUS
We all have
regrets, Ori.
DREPANON
For example,
I—
SERLEINA
howls loudly at the ceiling.
ORION
I lost my
mother to childbirth and my father died of a broken heart less than a month
later. Damien was all I had.
EVRYN
Wow, we’re
dialing DOWN the drama for once! Huzzah!
MARIE
You’re
welcome.
ILLYBRIUS
I never had
a father, not really, and my mother mostly ignored me. Maheone was my only
friend.
EVRYN
Oh, goody, now
it’s a wangst-off.
ILLYBRIUS
Wank-off?
ORION
That sounds
fun!
EVRYN
...Ugh.
ILLYBRIUS
Wait, more
fun than the hot chocolate thing?
FAUS
Illybrius, I
would like you to consider the fact that you are a terrible boyfriend.
ILLYBRIUS
That’s his
problem, not mine!
TRINIAN
I thought
they were married.
FAUS
Oh, then
it’s definitely Onion’s problem. Never mind!
ORION
Damien was
my only friend. I was… a weak child and of course that led to Skye raising me.
FREDRIKA
How did you
being a weak child lead to Skye raising you?
ORION
Damien was Skye’s
and Dante’s son.
EVRYN
Wait, if he’s
an Enzeru, then how the fuck is his last name “Sri-vaka”?
ORION
That’s not
his last name. That’s my DEMON last name.
EVRYN
Well, what
is his last name, then?
ORION
Same as Skye’s.
EVRYN
So, Enzeru,
then.
ORION
That’s not Skye’s
last name.
EVRYN
But—
ORION
No, no, I
meant his maiden name.
EVRYN
Well then, what’s
his maiden name?
ORION
It’s a state
secret.
EVRYN
But Remirum isn’t
a state!
ORION
Exactly.
EVRYN
This show
makes no sense!
ORION
Yes it does!
Shut up!
EVRYN
No it doesn’t!
ORION
Yes it DOES!
OVD
No it doesn’t!
*pounds the Gavel
of Salient Authority*
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone and
I were close from birth, inseparable until we were nineteen.
ORION
After what
he did, right?
ILLYBRIUS
Before.
ORION
Oh. I
thought what he wrote might have been the breaking point.
ILLYBRIUS
He had been
distant towards me since Larlia fell in love with him.
ORION
Oh.
ILLYBRIUS
I loved
Larlia as well as loving Maheone. He disapproved.
ORION
Oh. Because
he loved you.
ILLYBRIUS
No, because
he hated her.
EPIPHANY
[Orion, you
really suck at this "guessing" thing.]
EVRYN
He also
really sucks at this “paying attention” thing, because he’s had access to the
lore.
ILLYBRIUS
He thought
she had a great capacity for evil. I suppose he regretted giving her a soul.
ORION
And this
drove you two apart?
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t
know. I—I don’t—I loved him so much and he—
ORION
I’m sorry. I
should never have told you what I found in the Memoriam.
EPIPHANY
[Everything
is Onion's fault?]
FAUS
Yes,
especially the hot chocolate enema that killed his twin.
LENA
There is so
much wrong with you that I don’t even know where to start!
OVD
You could
start clobbering him over the head with the Soapbox.
LENA
I can’t find
the Soapbox, is the problem!
MARIE
You could
clobber him over the head with Drepanon!
DREPANON
Or the snack
table!
ROSEMARY
Or both!
MARIE
I believe
the consensus is that he should be clobbered! Perhaps with a mug!
FAUS
Oh good, a
step down from Drepanon and the snack table.
EVRYN
Thank you
for naming my next album!
MARIE
No, no, a
hot mug, full of hot chocolate.
FAUS
But I don’t
have a twin.
ILLYBRIUS
No! I’m glad
that you did! I loved him so much and he acted as if he hated me.
ORION
Did it give
you a bit of relief?
ILLYBRIUS
The Memoriam
entry? Absolutely.
EVRYN
I assume he’s
talking about the third one?
ORION
It gave you
relief and Akuma pain. I wish it could have brought you both peace.
ILLYBRIUS
Peace is a
rare commodity, my love.
AHRRY
Especially
when Corri’s writing part of the script.
ORION
I know.
FAUS
It’s worse
when Marie does! You realize that, right?!
FREDRIKA
Agree to
disagree.
MARIE
I’m
particularly evil to my characters.
FAUS,
patiently
Orion is Corri’s
character.
MARIE
I am
particularly evil to characters, and when parodying Corri being evil to her
characters.
ILLYBRIUS
Like
happiness, it is elusive when sought.
ORION
I know that
too.
EPIPHANY
[And yet you
don't let that stop you from trying to put all the blame on yourself, in the
most manipulative possible way.]
ILLYBRIUS
Ori, I love
you. I will do whatever I can to make you happy.
ORION
I’m happy as
long as you are.
EPIPHANY
[And that is
why you do everything in your power to keep Illybrius from being happy!]
<as-yet-unnamed
stag in a person suit>
Gee.
ILLYBRIUS
I
reciprocate the sentiment. Well, I am
happy as long as you, Usagi, Akuma, and everybody else I care about are happy.
ORION
I’ll be
happy when Akuma is returned to you, Kio.
EPIPHANY
[This is
boring!]
EVRYN
I'll be
happy when this stupid show ENDS ALREADY!
ILLYBRIUS
I’ll be
happy when Akuma’s back, Rubéhaus accepts who he is, and everybody stops
walking on eggshells waiting for something bad to happen!
EPIPHANY
[And now that
you've told Corri exactly what will make you happy, she will do everything she
can to make sure it never happens.]
USAGI
If that will
make you two happy, then I will be happy as well.
ORION, ^_^
And I will
also be happy to sleep.
ILLYBRIUS
My sweet…
USAGI
You can fall
asleep in our arms or talk more if you need to.
ORION
No. I need
the sleep so I can heal. I’ll be fine when I wake.
ILLYBRIUS
Goodnight
then, Oriliri, my golden love.
USAGI
Yeah, I’m
gonna keep calling him Oreo.
SIGYN
You really
shouldn't, because Oreos are one of Meta's favourite foods and....
SERLEINA
whimpers in distress.
MARIE
And the rest
of us will keep calling him Onion, because he is noxious.
ORION
Goodnight,
Kio, goodnight, Bire.
USAGI
What’s “bire”?
ORION
Bire…
bunny-love… nighty.
USAGI
Bun—I’m
gonna get you for that!
ORION
Going now.
Too tired. Be here tomorrow. Goodnight.
[exit ORION]
EPIPHANY
[FINALLY!]
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