TITLE
Akuma and the Gods, part 1
SETTING
Land of the
Dead
[Thu, Nov
13, 2008; 6.41 PM]
AKUMA
Illybrius, I
need you. Where are you? I can’t… Please, Irubura. Guess you’re too busy. I’m
so tired… cold…
EVRYN
That's nice.
Can we go home now?
AKUMA
Muuuuuuuuuuuhhh.
How am I supposed to rub a Ra in these working conditions?!
AHRRY
MUUUUUUUUHHHHH
ILLYBRIUS
I’m here.
*pause* Oh…
please tell me you didn’t already go to sleep?
EVRYN
We wish!
EPIPHANY
[We so, so
wish.]
AKUMA
No. Just
weak.
EVRYN
Yes. You are
made of weaksauce.
REIYA
That doesn't
even taste good on hot dogs.
SERLEINA
YOU WOULD--
oh, wait, you're not a Corri character. Sorry.
ILLYBRIUS
I ought to
have stayed here. I’d been checking in every few minutes.
EVRYN
Wait, YOU
got to leave the set?! We've been here, waiting for Akuma to show up! She's
LATE!
OVD
SPOILERS!
AKUMA
It’s fine. I’m
just hurting. The hell I just went through.
SERLEINA
THE HELL YOU
DID!
EPIPHANY
[More like, “The
hell you are”]
ILLYBRIUS
What happened?
EVRYN
No one
cares. Can we go home?
OVD
No. Shut up.
EVRYN
No u.
AKUMA
My soul is
still reconstructing itself.
ILLYBRIUS
Ouch.
AKUMA
It was worth
it. They got it all.
ILLYBRIUS
I’m glad.
Corri is asking after you.
EPIPHANY
[Yes,
because she doesn't know what's happening. It's not like she PLANNED IT.]
FLUOU
No. Surely.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh, and
Bastion says you’ve been with him?
AKUMA
I’m sorry I
was worrying everyone. I’ve been reaching out to everyone.
EPIPHANY
[No, you’re
not. Worrying everyone was your intention the whole time.]
AKUMA
The boy can’t
shield.
ILLYBRIUS
I know. We’re
glad that you’re safe.
EVRYN
Word.
AKUMA
Not out of
the woods yet.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
DON'T YOU DARE STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME!]
ILLYBRIUS
I know.
AKUMA
At least all
the lapis is gone. Anubis says until my soul fully reconstructs, I’m still in
danger. Even here.
EVRYN
Bob the
Builder, can he fix it?
SERLEINA
BOB THE
BUILDER, WHO GIVES A CORRI?
ILLYBRIUS
That is
logical.
EVRYN
For a
sufficiently-inclusive definition of logic.
AKUMA
It hurt… so
bad.
EPIPHANY
["It
hurt so bad, this elective surgery that I didn't need and willfully
undertook."]
EVRYN
I'm from
Southern California, so I'm pretty used to hearing about that.
REIYA
So it didn't
hurt so good, then? You're doing it wrong!
SERLEINA
YOU WOULD
KNOW!
EPIPHANY
[Take a
Vicodin and shut up about it.]
NATE
Want to
borrow some of mine?
AKUMA
It was like…
I wanted to die but couldn’t--
EPIPHANY
[Way to
demean everybody who has suicidal tendencies.]
EVRYN
Also, way to
shit on Epiphany.
EPIPHANY
[ I believe
I was included in the first statement.]
SERLEINA
...
Awwwwwwww.
AKUMA
and my only
thought was, I would survive the pain to make it back.
EVRYN
You could
just say you know you could stop the pain if you willed it all away.
SERLEINA
HEY!
EVANESCENCE IS A LOT DEEPER THAN PUDDLETWAT HERE!
ILLYBRIUS
I am glad
that you have made it this far and hope you can make it the rest.
AKUMA
I’m trying.
SERLEINA,
-Unsound-
BULLSHIT!
AKUMA
Right now,
Anubis says my power levels are far too low to even keep me going, so…
SERLEINA
THEY'RE
UNDER NEGATIVE NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDD!!! ONE!
ILLYBRIUS
Relax and
try to focus on something that brings you peace.
EPIPHANY
[“What is
this 'peace' you speak of? Is that something you eat?”]
SERLEINA
NO, THAT'S “PIECE”.
P I E C E . AS IN, I WISH I COULD RIP AKUMA INTO PIECES, BUT THAT FUCKING
KILLJOY IN THE SKY WON'T LET ME!
SIGYN
Don't you
hate fucking killjoys? With their angry mobs and... fishnets?
EVRYN
I am now
picturing Odin wearing fishnet stockings.
AKUMA
That’s just
it.
EVRYN
That's all
it took to bring you peace? Damn. We should have tried that weeks ago!
AKUMA
Several of
the gods and goddesses here--
SIGYN
Are in an angry
mob?
EVRYN
Are wearing
fishnet stockings?
EPIPHANY
[Are in an
angry mob wearing fishnet stockings?]
SERLEINA
Will be
wearing pink pajamas when they come?
MARIE
Kinky?
FREDRIKA
She doesn’t
know what a kink is, does she?
AKUMA
are lending
me power.
REIYA, with
Epi in the same frame thinking Fire Thoughts
BURN THE
MARY SUE!
ILLYBRIUS
You should
tap into our bond as well if you need to.
JEPH
[“Because I
can totally put on fishnet stockings.”]
REIYA
Don't need
to tap no bonds for that!
EVRYN
...so she
should tap his bond?
SERLEINA
I WOULD NOT
TAP THAT.
EVRYN
....... I
would fucking hope NOT.
SIGYN
Same.
AKUMA
I have, but
even now, that takes power I don’t have.
EPIPHANY
[She has
penis envy.]
ILLYBRIUS
I might be
able to feed you energy.
AKUMA
Please don’t
try. My body is in enough pain.
FLUOU
[Translation:
NO! SOLUTIONS AREN’T ALLOWED!]
ILLYBRIUS
Alright. I won’t.
We all hope you’re better soon.
AKUMA
I just need
to recover more first. Then I’ll take some.
EVRYN
... you
could just lie on your belly passively. You shouldn't have a problem doing
that.
FAUS
Yes, our
writer calls it lying back and thinking of Westeros.
FREDRIKA
Actually,
now it’s “England” again.
ILLYBRIUS
Let me know.
AKUMA
I will.
Right now, though, you are keeping me warm.
EVRYN
You know
what would be even warmer?
EPIPHANY,
fire thoughts and smiling
EVRYN
Yessss!
ILLYBRIUS
It’s
freezing in here.
EVRYN
All I'm
hearing are more arguments for setting her on fire.
EPIPHANY,
fire thoughts and smiling
[Think warm
thoughts.]
SERLEINA
WEEASUE
ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!
AKUMA
I’m just
cold because of what happened.
AHRRY, all
up in Akuma's face
JACKASS
NIPPING AT YOUR NOOOOOSE
AKUMA
It will
pass.
EVRYN
Stop trying
to think up counterarguments so you won't be set on fire. It won't work.
ILLYBRIUS
I’ll always
be here to warm you.
EVRYN
So will we!
We'll set you on fire!
AKUMA
Thank you. I
miss being there with you.
ILLYBRIUS
I miss you
too.
AKUMA
Almost a
hundred years without you.
SERLEINA
LOLWUT.
ILLYBRIUS
I know.
AKUMA
Is… how much
time has passed?
ILLYBRIUS
A day.
AKUMA
I mean,
since I’ve been gone.
ILLYBRIUS
Here, it is
13 November 2008.
AKUMA
So how many
days?
EVRYN
Can you
COUNT?
EPIPHANY
[“NO! I
can't count. Onion can't read. STOP EXPECTING US TO DO USEFUL THINGS!”]
LENA
ABLEIST.
EPIPHANY
[Lena, shut
the fuck up.]
LENA
WELL, I
NEVER.
EVRYN
We've
noticed.
ILLYBRIUS
What is the
day that you left? I don’t… I lost track. Three, four days?
AKUMA
It… only a
few days?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
AKUMA
I thought it
would have been longer.
ILLYBRIUS
Feels like
it.
AKUMA
I want to
come home now.
ILLYBRIUS
We all want
you-- shit. Something—Orion—Usagi-- Caleb won’t tell me.
AKUMA
Lee, relax. Orion’s
fine. I can feel that much.
EPIPHANY
[“WORRY
ABOUT ME, DAMMIT!”]
ILLYBRIUS
Ori--
AKUMA
Lee, you
worry too much. Please.
EPIPHANY
["Lee,
you worry too much *about people who aren't me. Please *worry only about
me."]
["I want
you to worry about only me and forget everyone else."]
SIGYN
Hey, I've
got something similar on a T-shirt somewhere, only instead of "worry"
and "forget", it's--
DREPANON
We know.
ILLYBRIUS
I want
everything to be the way it was when I was 18.
AKUMA
I know. We
all wish that.
SERLEINA
HA, HA! I’M
EIGHTEEN! I MOCK YOU WITH MY DEARTH OF YEARS!
ILLYBRIUS
Before I
cared about anything, it was so much easier, but more than that, I miss not
having to… I loved one person. We were friends. It was that simple.
AKUMA
Lee… Just
say the word and things can be like that again.
EVRYN
What the
hell is the point of that? Part of what makes reminiscing nice is that you
CAN'T go back and physically relive things.
EPIPHANY
[. . . ]
EVRYN
... Hey, at
least I'm not going into the possibility of time travel in this 'verse.
EPIPHANY
[Gods damn
it.]
EVRYN
Sorry.
ILLYBRIUS
No. It can’t.
You will NOT leave me. I can’t handle it. Orion, Usagi, Rubéhaus, you’re all a
part of me now, and that will never change.
EPIPHANY
[But we all
wish it would.]
AKUMA
Well, I
would still be here, in a sense.
ILLYBRIUS
glares at Akuma
DUDE.
AKUMA
Okay. I get
the point. I won’t leave. Promise.
ILLYBRIUS
Good. I love
you--
EVRYN takes
a shot
ILLYBRIUS
--and
leaving would only upset everyone.
EPIPHANY
[Except, you
know, us.]
EVRYN
Epiphany,
you're expecting Akuma to care about people other than herself. That doesn't
work.
EPIPHANY
[So is
Illybrius!]
EVRYN
Yes, but
he's literally too stupid to know any better.
LENA
--
EVRYN
No.
LENA
I was going
to agree with you.
AKUMA
I
understand. My place is by your side.
SERLEINA
NO, YOUR
PLACE IS IN THE KITCHEN! GET IT RIGHT!
LENA
Damn,
Serleina!
SERLEINA
BEING
CHOPPED UP! BY A **DEVICE**! HER PLACE IS ON MY CUTTING BOARD! WHICH HAPPENS TO
BE IN THE KITCHEN!
LENA
Oh, okay,
then.
ILLYBRIUS
Please don’t
speak of places.
SERLEINA
OH, YOU MEAN
LIKE HOW APPARENTLY ITALY AND GREECE ARE THE SAME FUCKING COUNTRY BECAUSE
ONION'S TOO STUPID TO LOOK AT A MAP?
LENA
It's not
like he could read the map.
SERLEINA
HE COULD IF
IT WERE IN SIMLISH!
JEPH
I think
you're confusing Onion with the Encyclopedia of Fuck You.
SERLEINA
Virgil reads
Simlish?
EVRYN
How else do
you explain The Divine Comedy?!
ILLYBRIUS
I know we
are happy together, when there is not an impending disaster.
EPIPHANY
[There's
always an impending disaster!]
ILLYBRIUS
That's the
point, shut up.
AKUMA
Disaster?
ILLYBRIUS
“We’re only
in trouble on days ending in Y.”
AKUMA
L-O-L.
EPIPHANY
[Did she
seriously just say “lol” out loud?]
EVRYN
Tiny minds,
tiny bodies.
SIGYN
Why didn't
you complain when Conny did it?
EVRYN
Because we
thought she was saying "Ale, oh, Ale."
DREPANON
Ale would be
nice right now. But not the cheap kind of ale. Only the highest caliber of
liquors for me.
SIGYN
Have an
Arrogant Bastard, Drepanon. Oh, wait, that's my husband.
EVRYN
Well, you
know what they say about the apple and the tree.
ILLYBRIUS
smiles
You sound
like Usagi.
EVRYN
bZUH?
AKUMA, ^_^
Can’t wait
to see you again.
ILLYBRIUS,
^,.,^
And I you.
AKUMA
With any
luck, I’ll be there soon.
EVRYN
And on a
diet, so she can sound more like Usagi!
ILLYBRIUS
I hope.
EVRYN
I'm sure
Akuma hopes, too. You know why?
SERLEINA
BECAUSE
BANG, BANG, BANGITY-BANG, I SAID A BANG-BANG-BANGITY BANG!
AKUMA
I love you.
EVRYN takes
a shot
EPIPHANY
[Did she
just confess her love to Serleina?]
ILLYBRIUS
I love you.
EVRYN takes
a shot
I think they
both did.
AKUMA
So, what is
going on?
SERLEINA
You both confessed
your love to me! Weren't you paying attention? DIDN'T THIS MEAN ANYTHING?
EVRYN
To be fair,
I was only paying attention because they said my drink trigger.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion’s
pregnant by Usagi and Cinnamon might be pregnant as well.
EVRYN
What the
fucktiddles? Since when?
AKUMA
But… he has
a spell. Did he forget to cast it?
EPIPHANY
[Why does a
demon with male bits need a contraception spell to avoid getting pregnant?
That's not how male bits work.]
EVRYN
Because
sparkly speshul defrent cheap knockoff incubus, that's why.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. That is
why he’s been upset.
LENA
I'd be
upset, too, if I was a cheap, knockoff incubus.
EVRYN
...wouldn't
you be a cheap, knockoff succubus?
SERLEINA
DEAR HADES,
THAT'S EVEN **WORSE**!
ILLYBRIUS
We had a
foursome the other night:
SERLEINA,
EVRYN, LENA
LIES!
ILLYBRIUS
Usagi,
Orion, me, and Cinnamon.
SERLEINA
WELL WHY
DIDN'T YOU **SAY** SO!
AKUMA, v_v
And I missed
it?
EPIPHANY
[Duh.
Otherwise, it would have been called a FIVESOME.]
EVRYN
While the
word “orgy” leaves room for ambiguity, the word FOURSOME does not.
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