TITLE
Onion’s
Gregnant!
Thursday,
November 13, 2008 a 7:36 PM
ORION
Lee… I need
to… shit—
EVRYN
I recommend
a loo.
SERLEINA
I RECOMMEND
YOU LAY OFF THE METAMUCIL!
TROPHY
Meta not
even in this script! Me hope…
ORION
Is Usagi
there?
EVRYN
Ew! No, no
scat! Throw it in the bin!
ILLYBRIUS
No.
ORION
Fuck.
EVRYN
You disturb
me.
ILLYBRIUS
He's been
gone since 4:30.
ORION
Lovely. This
is just. Forgive me, but I am an idiot.
EVRYN
Yes, you are
an idiot, but we do not forgive you.
TROPHY
Do you forgive
ME?
EVRYN
Yes. Because
you’re cute.
TROPHY
Yay!
EPIPHANY
[We do not
forgive Onion for anything, but especially being an idiot.]
ILLYBRIUS
Yes?
ORION
I… Normally
before we do anything, I cast…. a certain charm on myself. I think the other night
it… wore off in the middle of what we were doing.
ILLYBRIUS
Go on.
ORION
I have to
use a contraceptive charm, Lee.
EPIPHANY
[I press X
to doubt.]
OVD
I think that
meme’s an anachronism.
EVRYN
I press Y
to… not care.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, what
do you mean?
EPIPHANY
[Well,
contraception is the deliberate prevention of impregnation.]
[You may be
more familiar with its synonym, birth control.]
ILLYBRIUS,
deadpan.
I’ve never
heard either of those terms in my life.
EVRYN
I’m not
surprised.
ORION
I… Usagi is
going to kill me. I just know it.
SERENA, with
Millie and Tillie
Good. Can I
help?
EPIPHANY,
with scalpel
[I
volunteer!]
ILLYBRIUS
WHAT
HAPPENED?
What do you
mean by contraceptive charm? What happened with Usagi?
ORION
Not him! Me.
I… fuck.
EVRYN
Yes, that's
the problem. Slut.
LENA
You say
these things just to antagonize me, don't you?
EPIPHANY
[No, I
really wish everyone on this show would fuck less.]
ORION
I… I hope he
can forgive me.
ILLYBRIUS
ANSWER ME!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "CONTRACEPTIVE CHARM"? WHAT HAPPENED?
EPIPHANY
[Why are you
expecting Onion to give you a direct answer? It’s Onion.]
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t
know, same reason Akumione expects Cthucius to have a sense of moral decency.
OVD
That’s definitely
an anachronism.
ILLYBRIUS
And you can definitely
suck my—
ORION
I'M CARRYING
HIS CHILD!
EVRYN
WHAT THE
ACTUAL FUCK?!
ILLYBRIUS
Oh.
ORION
Oh? OH?
EVRYN
What, are
you mad that Illybrius didn't have a stronger reaction?
FREDDIE
Suddenly, Omegaverse!
MARIE
I prefer
omegaverse to make more speculative biological sense than this.
EVRYN
Yeah, but
Celestia runs on “Fuck you, Science!” and I’m not sure what Remirum’s or
Gä’Auth’s excuses are.
EPIPHANY
[The Plot
Board.]
EVRYN
Ehh, I’ll
add ‘Omegaverse bullshit’ later. Remind me.
ORION
I knew… I
should never have… fuck.
EVRYN
It's
"fucked". "I knew I should never have fucked."
MARIE
This is a
direct response to the “No” on having Akuma be a surrogate and then killing
her, isn’t it?
EVRYN
I would not
be surprised.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, it's
all I can think of. "Oh". Well, Akuma explained to me how a man can
carry another man's child. Usagi won't mind. Actually, he has… other… I don't
have any idea where he is.
ORION
Lovely.
EPIPHANY
[You can
tell how upset he is that this isn’t causing Illybrius more distress.]
[What
happened to the panicking about the pregnancy nonplot that Corri wanted?]
OREGANO
🎵You can’t always get what you want!🎵
ILLYBRIUS
There was an
entry in Cinnamon's diary this morning in an unfamiliar hand, addressed to
Usagi under his original name.
ORION
So he's in
danger then?
ILLYBRIUS
I don't
know.
EVRYN
Why would
you immediately jump to that conclusion, Onion?
MARIE
Because
that's what it would be if Corri were writing it.
ILLYBRIUS
He
disappeared.
ORION
Look I just
need to ask him… if I can get rid of it.
SIGYN
Why would
you need to ask him? It's your body. And if you, erm, "miscarry"
before he gets back, he never even has to know.
ILLYBRIUS
That might
be a good idea.
ORION
I… need to
ask him first.
SIGYN
Fucking why?
EPIPHANY
[To create
unnecessary conflict and drama.]
FREDDIE
That is what
this show seems to run on. That and really bad sex.
EPIPHANY
[Plot
Board.]
ORION
Is there any
way to get him here?
ILLYBRIUS
There would
be if I knew where the hell he was.
ORION
Locator
spell. Have you tried that?
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
I don’t care! My nonplot is more important!]
ILLYBRIUS
Last resort.
OREGANO
🎵Cut my life into pieces
This is my
last resort🎵
CIN
ILLYBRIUS!
IF THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!
ORION
Who told
her?
CIN
Um, I have
ears, you know. Well, I guess I'll wait a month and then I'll know for sure.
ORION
I am not
amused.
EPIPHANY
[No-one
cares, Queen Victoria.]
CIN
Caleb is.
And Queen Victoria used the Royal “We”.
ORION
Caleb…
KIBBY, GET OUT!
CIN
Yeah, he's
laughing his ass off.
ORION
Well, Kibby
is gone and Caleb is going to get it.
CIN
Corri won't
be happy. She already yelled at Lee for accidentally breaking his jaw and rib.
ORION
What?
EVRYN
Yeah, what?
CIN
Apparently
Peppercorn cast a spell on Caleb so that if strong emotions are directed at
him, they manifest physically.
FAUSTUS
Anytime I
think this show couldn’t possibly get stupider, someone goes and says something
like that.
EPIPHANY
[That’s how
it goes.]
EVRYN
I don’t
recommend watching his canon, but if you did, you’d know just how much
of an insult that is.
FAUSTUS
Yes, it’s
very bad.
ILLYBRIUS
Corri can't
touch me, though.
ROSEMARY
Can’t touch
this! 🎵dananana nana nana🎵
CIN
I'd rather
she not try.
EVRYN
I think we'd
all rather she not touch us.
EPIPHANY
[Don’t say
that! That’s going to encourage her!]
ORION
That would
explain why he was always so "bang" up around Vaan.
EVRYN
That would
also explain how the fuck a twink like Vaan could do any sort of harm to a
giant like Caleb.
ILLYBRIUS
He deserves
better.
STRAWBERRY
I’m sorry,
perhaps I misheard you. Did you mean, “He deserves to be beat harder”?
ILLYBRIUS
Thank you,
Microsoft Paperclip.
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