TITLE
Akuma and
the Gods, part 1
SETTING
Land of the
Dead
Thursday,
November 13, 2008, 8:00 PM
AKUMA
Please tell
me it will happen again so I can watch.
JEPH smacks
Akuma with the Knockoff Rolex of Fuck You
ILLYBRIUS
It will
happen again, so you can watch. *laughs* I'm sorry, this is hilarious! I'm sure
Cinnamon and Orion don't think so, but—
AKUMA
I find it
amusing.
CINNAMON
Actually, so
do I. Now all we have to do is wait for Usagi so we can fill him in.
SERLEINA
PLUG IT IN,
PLUG IT IN!
REIYA
Ohbby
AKUMA
Why not use
a locator spell?
CINNAMON
Last resort.
MARIE
🎵Cut my life into pieces! This is my
last resort!🎵
TOD
🎵Suffocation, no breathing! Don’t give
a fuck if I cut my heart beating🎵
SERLEINA
🎵Nanananananananananananananana🎵
AKUMA
Well, I
think this is kinda important. He can't do anything after the first three days.
EPIPHANY
[Most people
don't know they're pregnant until after six weeks.]
CINNAMON
Oh, shit!
AKUMA
I mean, if
he wants to lose the child. After three days, he can't abort the child.
EPIPHANY
[ I thought
ENJERUZ were always in peril of having miscarriages.]
EVRYN
They are,
but ENJERUZ babby can't be willfully aborted because they R DEFRENT.
AKUMA
He can still
have sex, though.
EPIPHANY,
e_e
[Oh. Well.
That makes it all okay, then.]
SERLEINA
I don't know
about you guys, but I prefer not to have sex with pregnant men, especially if
they're knockoff incubi.
TOD
I agree with
you.
CINNAMON
He wants to
abort it. He needs Usagi's say-so.
EPIPHANY
[What's bodily
autonomy?]
SEI-SEI
I don't
think it's something you eat...
EVRYN
No, if
you're Corri, it's something upon which you repeatedly shit.
DREPANON
Actually,
I'm with her here. The right to life is—
LENA,
holding the Soapbox possessively
YOU'RE DONE
TALKING NOW.
AKUMA
Of course he
does, because Usagi would be the alpha.
MARIE
Oh my God,
this actually is Omegaverse!
CINNAMON,
deadpan
Um, wow.
STRAWBERRY
We didn’t
even know what that was until 2022-ish.
OVD
STRAWBERRY!
STRAWBERRY
DIRECTOR!
AHRRY
Donkey!
AKUMA
Damn.
Hey, Lee? I
need to go.
SERLEINA
To the
bathroom?
[C/M:
Where’s The Bathroom?]
AKUMA
Anubis needs
to check me over again.
SERLEINA
IN THE
BATHROOM? EW, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
EPIPHANY
[Yes.]
ILLYBRIUS
Very well.
AKUMA
I don't want
to.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't want
you to, either, but you have to.
TROPHY
NO HE DON’T
WANT IT?????
AKUMA
I know, but
it means more pain again.
EPIPHANY
[ I didn't
know “Anubis” didn't know how to do a pelvic exam properly.]
MARIE
In an00b15’s
defense, it is made of glass.
TOD
You’ve heard
of “Heart of Glass”, now get ready for—
ILLYBRIUS
I know.
JEPHORE AUTH
She will be
fine. You gave her enough power to go on.
EVRYN
Wait, what?
Why is your full name showing up in the script all of a sudden?
JEPH
[Because
these are the parts that Corri wrote. PITY ME.]
[No,
seriously, pity me. These lines are awful.]
ILLYBRIUS
I'm glad.
JEPHORE AUTH
throws the Encyclopedia of Fuck You at Illybrius
That is why
she needed to talk to you tonight.
ILLYBRIUS
I would talk
to her in any event.
JEPHORE AUTH
I figured
you would want an update.
ILLYBRIUS
Thank you.
AKUMA
Sorry about
him. He's… touchy. Another god in charge of me.
EVRYN
His name is
Jephore Auth. He's the Touchy Cue Card God. How many gods are in charge of you,
anyway?
EPIPHANY
[Not
enough.]
ILLYBRIUS
It's
alright.
AKUMA
I need to go—
SERLEINA
Godspeed.
AHRRY
GOD WASN'T
FAST ENOUGH.
AKUMA
--but I will
try to be back soon, okay, Kibito?
EVRYN poses
Tree?
EPIPHANY
[BURN THE
WEEABOO!]
[ It's
"koibito". Lrn2Japanese.]
EVRYN
I would burn
the weeaboo, but her speshul majik powurz make her immune to fire and I don't
want to piss off the cavalry of Very Powerful Gods™
EPIPHANY
[Fuck the
gods. If they had half a wit between them, they'd have smitten her already.]
SIGYN perks
up
Do what now?
SERLEINA,
Unsound
NO!
EVRYN
Fuck the
gods? You've got the wrong girl.
SERLEINA
AND WE'RE
NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHO THE RIGHT ONE WOULD BE!
EVRYN
And I think
I just figured out how Akuma got so many gods to take care of her.
EPIPHANY
[By sleeping
with them?]
[QUICK, MAKE
HER FUCK ZEUS. WE'LL TAPE IT AND SHOW IT TO HERA.]
EVRYN
I don't
think we'll have to make her. She'd probably do it voluntarily.
[MEANWHILE,
OUTSIDE!]
CORRI
IT
BUUUUUURRRRRRRNNNNNNNSSS!
[BACK TO THE
SET!]
AKUMA
SHUT UP! IT
BURNSES US!
SIGYN
STOP
BLASPHEMING, YOU SHITTY FAKE ANGEL!
AKUMA
Illybrius,
I'll be back soon, okay?
ILLYBRIUS
Certainly.
EPIPHANY
[She's
leaving because she needs to go rub a Ra.]
SERLEINA
If that's
what she calls it.
SIGYN
IMPUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE!
REIYA
SNUFF OUT
THE UNCLEAN! SNUFF OUT THE UNNECESSARY!
REIYA AND
SIGYN
SNUFF OUT
THE UNWANTED!
AKUMA
Alright. I
love you.
EVRYN takes
a shot
ILLYBRIUS
I love you
too.
EVRYN takes
a shot
AKUMA
Bye, my love.
[exit AKUMA]
EVRYN
Ugh. Good
riddance. C'mon, Epiphany, let's go get you something deadly.
EPIPHANY
[How
deadly?]
EVRYN
Deadly
enough to make up for sitting through… this. Sorry, audience. All you get is
the satisfaction of seeing the weeaboo get pwned.
SIGYN AND
REIYA
SNUFF OUT
THE UNCLEAN! SNUFF OUT THE UNNECESSARY! SNUFF OUT THE UNWANTED!!!!
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