TITLE
Mr. McRapeypants
CAST NOTES
Britney is only shown from the waist up.
Wed, Nov 19 2008, 6:11 PM
ILLYBRIUS
Hello.
BRITNEY
Hello, my
love.
ILLYBRIUS
Well.... How
has your day been?
BRITNEY
Entertaining.
Your demon is most amusing. Too bad he bites. And your son is the perfect whore
he was trained to be.
EPIPHANY is sick of these conversations, resorts to
snark
[Did he go to vocational school for that?]
SIGYN
Was it Job
Corps? That's where I met my perf—
EVRYN
APPARENTLY.
And the program director was his mother.
SIGYN
Must have
been Roswell Job Corps, then.
EPIPHANY
[By the three brains of Cerberus, WHY did I take this job?]
EVRYN
For SCIENCE!
EPIPHANY
[Ah, yes, my one true love. . . .]
ILLYBRIUS
I see. Mine
has been rather boring.
AKUMA, offstage
*Akuma noise of offense taken*
SERLEINA
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A ... PERSONAL PROBLEM!
BRITNEY
Well, it
seems I can't get what I really want just yet. Partially due to you.
SERLEINA
So does that.
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm? What is
it that you want?
BRITNEY
The White
One.
LENA
Okay
seriously, you need to stop calling him that.
ILLYBRIUS
Why do you
want him?
BRITNEY
I need his
blood.
ILLYBRIUS
He's an
albino; I doubt it would taste too good.
BRITNEY
Not to eat.
The sacrifice calls for the violation and death.
EPIPHANY
[You do know that performing sex acts on a person with albinism
won't actually cure AIDS, right?]
ILLYBRIUS
*purrs*
Mmmmm...
EVRYN
How the FUCK
is that a turn-on?
SIGYN
Yeah, how
the fuck IS that a turn-on?
TOKIOMI, holding up a card
Bingo.
DREPANON
What's that?
TOKIOMI
It's the
card of mind your own fucking business.
AKUMA, in the Audience now
What *is*
that?
TOKIOMI
It's a card
where I mark off things Sigyn does that surprise me. Five in a row and I get
Bingo!
DREPANON
Hey, can I
play?
TOKIOMI
I don't have
enough cards.
AKUMA
Can Serleina
and I play?
TOKIOMI, tossing pose
Sure, here
you go!
BRITNEY
Seems I need
to take care of something. I'll be right back.
[enter ENON]
ENON
What is it?
ILLYBRIUS
Please cease
your yapping, mutt, and stay put.
STRAWBERRY
No. Fuck
off.
EPIPHANY, Santa Claus Scowl
[I concur]
BRITNEY
You brought
the White One? I guess you are willing to bargain after all.
ILLYBRIUS
Mmm....
Actually, I've been looking for an adequate excuse to get my hands on him for
years.
EVRYN
Dude. It's
been OVER SIX THOUSAAAAND! years since you met him, and a decent opportunity
hasn't presented itself until now?
ILLYBRIUS
Lampshading
only works when the plot makes sense to begin with.
EVRYN
Did you just
hang a lampshade on the lampshade I just hung?
ILLYBRIUS
Yo dawg, I
heard you like lampshades, so I hung a lampshade on your lampshade so you
can... uh...
REIYA
So you can
diffuse light while you diffuse light!
BRITNEY
So what....
Or who... do you want to trade?
ILLYBRIUS
Hmmmm... I
believe I'll do this the way my counter does.
BRITNEY
And what way
is that?
ILLYBRIUS
If this
piece of metal lands bird-side-up, I'll take the girl. If it lands man-side-up,
I'll take the boy.
EVRYN
You make
your important decisions by flipping a coin? ...then again, that's how I got
hired. It's rather brilliant, come to think of it!
SERLEINA
I mean, it's
fairer than nepotism, which is how most of us got hired.
SERGEI
What's wrong
with nepotism?
MARIE
Why not
both?
ILLYBRIUS
On second
thought, it occurs to me.... What might I give you in exchange for Orion and
Caleb?
BRITNEY
The
violation and death of the White One... and I'll give them both back, but only
if you do the honors. Is it a deal?
ILLYBRIUS
I'll
consider it for a moment.
EPIPHANY
[ If I called you a morally bankrupt son of a bitch, it'd be an
insult to dogs.]
STRAWBERRY
Yes, yes it
would!
EVRYN'S PHONE rings
EVRYN answers
Hello?
EVRYN hands the phone to Epiphany
EVRYN
It's the
kettle.
EPIPHANY
Yes?
Yeah. I
know.
No, rot
neally.
Okay. Bye.
EPIPHANY hangs up, hands phone back to Evryn
EVRYN
What did he
say?
EPIPHANY
That I'm a
hucking fypocrite, doesn't bat thother me, and it gives up.
EVRYN
I think it
likes you.
BRITNEY
Very well.
ILLYBRIUS
It is a
deal, but how shall you be kept occupied?
BRITNEY
Your son is
doing a fine job of keeping me busy.
SIGYN
That's what
she said!
HELENA
Oh my God!
What is wrong with BOTH OF YOU?!
MARIE
If I started
explaining, we'd be here all day.
SERENA
This script
is nearly a hundred pages to begin with.
BRITNEY
I just want
the White One to bleed and die for me.
LENA
SOMETHING
EXASPERATED.
DREPANON
Lena, what?
LENA
Hey, the Pot
has the Soapbox, and I've already called him out.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone...
delicious boy...
BRITNEY
So shall we
get started?
ILLYBRIUS closes eyes and wraps arms around Britney.
ILLYBRIUS
In a bit.
Now I just want to enjoy you. I promise, I will take the albino tonight, but
later.
BRITNEY
I really
don't have time to be groped by you. Besides, your son is doing a fine job.
SIGYN
That's what
she said!
TOKIOMI
That reminds
me, someone should really check on Drepanon.
SERLEINA
Ew, why?
TOKIOMI
To make sure
he didn't get near the cooler water bottles? I really don't think anyone here
wants to witness ...that...again. Not to mention that he didn't look too happy
when my niece was cleaning him up.
ILLYBRIUS smiles
I suppose
you're raping him.
TOKIOMI
Dude, what
the fuck?
XALDIN just goes up and smacks Illybrius.
LENA
Yes, that.
BRITNEY
He said he
would do anything to keep me from hurting his mother.
ILLYBRIUS
How noble.
MARIE
Really?
SERLEINA
He's being sarcastic.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. Why
can't you see how perfectly sarcastic I am.
MARIE
Your sarcasm
voice is like Epiphany's caring face.
ILLYBRIUS
That
Twilight reference just went right over— okay, never mind.
SERLEINA
GAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
LENA
SERLEINA!
SERLEINA
ME!
🎵ALL ROADS LEAD TO
THE
BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WITH MEEEEEE
ESCAPE ME, THERE'S NO WAY
CERTAIN AS DO, RE🎵
SIGYN
I love that
song.
EVRYN takes a shot.
SIGYN
For that?
Really?
MARIE
It's good
that the Audience isn't playing Predictable Sigyn Bingo.
TOKIOMI
You mean
Blackout.
MARIE
You're
right, it would be too easy otherwise.
SERLEINA
LIKE SERLEINA'S MOM! AND PREDICTABLE SERLEINA BINGO! THAT'S RIGHT,
FOLKS, I'VE HIJACKED THIS EPISODE AND NOW *I* AM YOUR LOVELY NEW PROTAGONIST!
AKUMA
... I guess
I'm good with that.
SIGYN
Ooh! *takes
out a card and makes a mark*
BRITNEY
Yes. I must
say, it was rather touching.
EVRYN
I'd tell you
to go touch yourself if Caleb wasn't already doing it for you.
DREPANON
DUDE.
EVRYN
Oi, I stand
by that, you arrogant, provincial, hypocritical son of a corpse-fucker.
DREPANON
*DUDE*.
SERLEINA
Hey guys, can you imagine if Averna was Drepanon's mom?
SIGYN, horrified
Noooooo
EPIPHANY
[Don't subject Acerbus to being Drepanon's brother. You've seen
what Drepanon does to young men in his family.]
CIN
No, we
haven't.
EPIPHANY
[... You haven't?]
SERLEINA
CORRICANON DOESN'T COUNT!
OVD
He was
CREATED by Corri, Serleina.
SERLEINA
WAIT SO DOES THAT MAKE CORRI, DREPANON'S REAL MOM?
SIGYN, horrified
NOOOOOO.
MARIE
Well, I
suppose in the way that all of our characters are our children.
TOKIOMI
So... would
that make Drepanon, Corri's "wayward son"?
SERLEINA
🎵CARRY ON MY
WAYWARD SON🎵
DREPANON
Please
don't.
SERLEINA
🎵THERE'LL BE PEACE
WHEN YOU ARE DONE🎵
DREPANON
I said no.
SERLEINA
🎵LAY YOUR WEARY
HEAD TO REST🎵
DREPANON
Okay,
enough!
SERLEINA
🎵DON'T YOU CRY NO
MORE!🎵 *SICK GUITAR
SOLO!*
DREPANON
NO! NO MORE
CARRY ON MY WHITETRASH SON!
OREGANO
🎵Once I rose above the noise and
confusion
Just to get
a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was
soaring ever higher
But I flew
too high
Though my
eyes could see, I still was a blind man
Though my mind
could think, I still was a madman🎵
SERLEINA
HEY!! GUYS! I JUST REALIZED WHY
DREPANON HATES THIS SONG! IT'S ABOUT HIM! LITERALLY ABOUT HIM, YOU GUYYYYS!
CIN
SICK BURN
FIVE!
SERLEINA
NO! NO RE-HIJACKING THE PROTAGONIST ROLE!
CIN
Aww.
MARIE
You mean,
"metaphorically about him".
SERLEINA
He's SOMEONE'S wayward son. Maybe not
literally Corri's, but come on!
MARIE
Okay, that's
fair.
SERLEINA
🎵 CUM ON FEEL THE
NOIZE
GIRLS ROCK YA BOYZ
LET'S GET WILD, WILD, WILD!🎵
OVD
This
isn't Serleina's Karaoke Hour!
SERLEINA
🎵NO! ONE! HERE!
LIKES! YOU! GO AWAY, GET A CLUE! GO BACK TO YOUR FUCKING ZOO OR WHATEVER IT IS
YOU DO!🎵
DREPANON
Hey
Serleina, Facebook Messenger me that song later.
SERLEINA
I thought you didn't like songs that were about you.
DREPANON
No, it's
about—
SERLEINA (yells)
AIRHORN NOISES!
DREPANON
Are you even
trying anymore?
SERLEINA
SCREW YOU, I'M THE PROTAGONIST! WAIT! NO! DON'T SCREW YOU! NEVER SCREW
YOU! THAT'S NOT MY THING! I'M OUTSOURCING THAT! AUDIENCE VOLUNTEERS AS TRIBUTE!
TOKIOMI
NOT IT.
AKUMA
NOT IT!
SIGYN, sim.
DIBS!
CIN, half a second later
DIB—aww.
ILLYBRIUS
Well,
considering that you're evil, how shall I know for certain that you will uphold
your end of the bargain?
EPIPHANY
[ I don't think you have room to talk, Mr. McRapeypants]
ILLYBRIUS raises an eyebrow
"Mc...Rapeypants"? You're a brilliant scientist and that's the
best you can come up with?
EPIPHANY
[ I'm too sick of this
whole plot thread to be assed with the effort.]
EVRYN
When did we get a plot thread, and why
wasn't I informed of it?
EPIPHANY
[ I was using a
sufficiently inclusive definition of "plot"]
EVRYN
Oh, does it also encompass Twilight?
SERLEINA
IM DONGEROUS, BELLWARD! ... Wait...no... it's HARRY
POTTER AND THE SKIN OF A KILLER! Wait, no— it's SERLEINA VAN RAINSFELD AND THE
SKIN OF A KILLER! BY THE WAY, SIGYN, WHEN ARE YOU AND MARIE GOING TO FINISH
WRITING THAT?
SIGYN
It's on hold
until "The DoF Girls vs. Twilight" is finished, so, I guess 2030?
SERLEINA
SERLEINA NOISE!!!
AKUMA
YOU'RE NOT
DOING IT RIGHT!
META
THAT'S WHAT
HE—
CINNAMON
Boy, I will
cane your bitch-ass six ways from Sunday if you don't shut up.
DREPANON AND
SERLEINA
Doesn't
work.
SERLEINA
STOP STEPPING ON MY AD-LIBS.
DREPANON
Stop
ad-libbing on my lines!
SERLEINA
NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
SIGYN
Serleina,
you're IN "The DoF Girls vs. Twilight." You're actually one of the
most important characters.
SERLEINA
Oh. Well, okay then.
SIGYN
I even
imported some of your OC's, like Shelby and Shirley Meerly.
SERLEINA
Oh! Alrighty.
BRITNEY
Well, how
about you tell me?
SIGYN
"My
mother had decided that I, at age 17, was—"
SERLEINA
STILL NOT THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS EPISODE, UNLIKE SERLEINA.
BRITNEY
No, don't.
Get back to the rape part.
SERLEINA
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF DOING THAT, WE NOT DO THAT INSTEAD?
MARIE
You repeated—
SERLEINA
THE SERLEINA HAS SPOKEN!
MARIE
Oh, okay.
SIGYN
This has
been an accurate representation of how the prod team communicates.
SERLEINA
YES, AND I'M THE FALCON.
ILLYBRIUS
How soon do
you need me to rape the mutt?
SERLEINA
DUDE, THE SERLEINA HAD SPOKEN!
BRITNEY
Starting at
the end of the next half hour.
SERLEINA
BRITNEY NO!
BRITNEY
BRITNEY YES!
SERLEINA
HA! I GOT YOU TO REFER TO YOURSELF AS "BRITNEY"! SERLEINA
WINS!
BRITNEY
Fuck my
life.
SERLEINA
No thank you, that—
SIGYN
THAT'S WHAT
THE RAPE IS FOR!
SERLEINA
SATAN BLESS IT.
SIGYN
That's the
idea!
DREPANON
Blackout!
TOKIOMI
We're not
PLAYING THAT!
DREPANON
I'm always
playing that.
TOKIOMI
Drepanon,
why do you pay so very much attention to what she does? If I didn't know better—
DREPANON
DREPANON
NOISE!
SERLEINA
DUDE, PLAGIARISM! IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU PLAGIARIZE PEOPLE'S CALLOUT
POSTS ABOUT THEMSELVES, BUT THIS SHIT IS JUST OVER THE TOP! Asterisk: Edited January 24,
2018.
OVD
THEN WHY
IS THIS TAKING SO LONG TO PRODUCE?! Asterisk: Edited March 23, 2026.
SERLEINA
Because we had to find new voice actors on Craigslist and
that shit takes time, yo!
ILLYBRIUS
7:00?
BRITNEY
7:15
EPIPHANY
[RUN ENON! RUN!]
[Aster]
[Fuck it]
[ I don't actually care about Enon. I just want this nonplot to
be over.]
[ It's too terrible.]
DREPANON
My
CorriCanon debut is even worse.
META
Mine, too.
EPIPHANY
[Everything about you is even worse.]
SIGYN
—
EPIPHANY, grinning
[BLACKOUT]
TOKIOMI
Good job,
Doctor!
TOKIOMI walks over and hands Epiphany a FUCK.
DREPANON
Hey, where's
my Fuck?
TOKIOMI
... I think
you're confused. I'm Audience TWO.
DREPANON
Your point?
TOKIOMI
Is that if
you want a fuck, you should be talking to Audience One.
CINNAMON
Or Temp
Three!
AKUMA
Or Temp F—
hey, how do you outrank me?
CINNAMON
Because I'm
usually the protagonist!
AKUMA
NO! WRONG!
WRONG! WRONG, I'M THE PROTAGONIST!
SERLEINA
NO, YOU'RE THE MAIN PROP!
AKUMA throws herself down and has a tantrum (live-recorded)
SERLEINA
TEXT MESSAGE! It's from Marta, otherwise known as Onion's
Schroedinger's Mom. She says she'll—
MARIE
Don't you
mean Schrödinger's Onion's Mom?
SERLEINA
DON'T INTERR—
(BRRRRING!)
SERLEINA, phone pose
WEIRD PHONE POSE! ... Shut up, you son of a whore... You're
welcome, I said it to annoy your Aunt Lena. Hey guess what, Kettle? I'M THE
PROTAGONIST THIS EPISODE! ... Well I think it's worth getting excited
about....
YES I've
seen the show! What does that matter?... Oh okay. Bye.
SERLEINA, regular pose
—give Drepanon all the fucks he wants in exchange for—
(BRRRING!)
SERLEINA, phone pose
WEIRD PHONE POSE!
MARIE
I'm sorry
the phone pose is weird!
SERLEINA
SHHH, I'M ON THE PHONE! ... No thanks, I already have
Allstate.... Yeah well, like a good neighbor, stay the fuck over there. CLICK!
DREPANON
No, thank
you.
SERLEINA
I said that.
DREPANON
No, to
Marta. My response is, "No, thank you."
SIGYN, wibbling
How come
you're never that polite to meeee?
AKUMA
Wait, do you
WANT him to turn you down?
SIGYN
Oh, good
point.
AKUMA
YAY! I DID A
LOGIC!
EPIPHANY, Spock eyebrow, holding up a Bingo card
Bingo!
AKUMA
... Oh...
ILLYBRIUS
Ah.
BRITNEY
Think you
can do it?
ILLYBRIUS
Are you
kidding? I'm the Bingo Master.
EVRYN
Bator.
ILLYBRIUS
There's no
doubt as to my physical and metaphysical capabilities, as the Bingo
Master-NOT-BATOR!
EVRYN
You know
what they say about denial?
ILLYBRIUS
It's the
first stage of grief?
SIGYN, quietly
... Oh.
FREDDIE
They also
say that being delulu is the solulu—SHUT UP, OVD
SIGYN, cheerfully
Oh! Well,
that's okay, then!
MARIE
It's also a
river in Egypt.
ONION, snacking on onion rings
You're
right. Being-Delulu is a river in Egypt. I just bought a river and named it
that, for five thousand Monopoly money!
CIN
You bastard,
stay out of my game sets! That fake money was worth more than your entire
existence!
OVD
I concur.
BRITNEY
Good. Then
you should have no problems.
SIGYN
HEY, SCREW
YOU, BUDDY!
BRITNEY
Oh, okay—
SIGYN
IT'S A
FIGURE OF SPEECH!
TOKIOMI,
CINNAMON, AND CORRI
BINGO!
TOKIOMI
Corri, what
were YOU playing?
CORRI
I was
playing online Bingo on my iPad!
OVD
Wait, did
they have iPads in 2008?
MARIE
Who cares?
(BRRRING!)
MARIE, phone pose
Okay, that's
fair. Bye~
TOKIOMI
Okay, new
cards!
DREPANON
Can I have
one?
TOKIOMI
Sorry, Pan,
we've already got four, and we want to keep it an odd number.
DREPANON
Can you
COUNT?
TOKIOMI
Can't count
on you~
CORRI
PWNED.
ILLYBRIUS
Turn me on,
Britney. Tell me exactly what you're having my son do for you.
EVRYN
Oh my gods,
you're like, the worst father ever.
ILLYBRIUS
No, the
worst father ever would call his children out for "eating the family out
of house and home".
DREPANON
I feel
PERSONALLY attacked.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't see
why, but if it walks like a duck, then wear it. Or something. I'm not really
hip to these Earth idioms.
DREPANON is now wearing a Scrooge McDuck hat (Photoshopped by
Marie) and a Santa Claus scowl.
BRITNEY
Right now,
you should see him. Naked on all fours sucking me off. He's cried a few times.
But damn is he good...
SIGYN gags.
TOKIOMI
That's one!
AKUMA
Hey, I got
that one too!
ILLYBRIUS
Half an
hour, huh? Well then...
BRITNEY
Your Demon
is sitting over in the corner chained up. I would have tried him but I found
out that he bites.
EPIPHANY
[And how much exactly do you know about wolverines?]
[/agequit Epiphany]
LIGHTS OFF and the following is
heard.
ILLYBRIUS:
Mmmm, a nuisance....
WT
Illybrius oils up and presses into Britney.
ILLYBRIUS
You really do turn me on. I'll have some fun with you before
performing my obligation with the mutt. [shackling sounds]
BRITNEY:
STOP THAT!
ILLYBRIUS
*purrs* Relax. It's easier that way, I've found.
BRITNEY
Fine. Since you seem to want me so bad... I guess I can throw
your son to your hungry demon.
WT
Cin encases Caleb in an ice crystal and teleports him to the
Obsidian Mansion.
CIN:
Sorry. As for the hungry demon, he'll have to wait. Unless...
unless Usagi wants to...?
BRITNEY:
Well then. I guess that means things are done here.
ILLYBRIUS:
You're still bound to me, Maheone.
BRITNEY:
You have nothing more I want.
ILLYBRIUS:
You still have something I want. Cinnamon, get Caleb back
here.
CIN:
Fine...
BRITNEY:
No need. This conversation is over.
EVRYN:
What a spoiled brat. For the evil side of Maheone, this
character was written like crap.
CIN AND ILLYBRIUS:
Blame the cowriter.
CIN:
We know her as the devil.
ILLYBRIUS:
She calls herself Corri.
DREPANON
Hey, that's a little confusing.
SIGYN
Wait, you KNOW about that?!
DREPANON
You've literally called me that to my face.
SIGYN
Which is fitting, since you're technically a Corri Character.
DREPANON
....yes, but this version of me isn't CorriCanon.
CORRI
No, this version of you is FalconCanon, which is loosely based
on your WischCanon self— hey, how do I know that? WischCanon was after my time.
(Doki Doki music, fade to static)
EVRYN:
Even though the lights are off, I can feel the director's
glare. You'd better read your next line, Illybrius.
ILLYBRIUS:
Maybe. But I'm not through with you and I don't need to talk
through it.
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