So Very Much | November 23, 2008 at 7:06 p.m.

 TITLE

So Very Much

 

Sun, Nov 23 2008, 7.06 PM

 

AKUMA

By the time you get this, I will be safe within the Dark Moon Keep.

 

EPIPHANY, phone and thumbs at the ready, sign on the floor next to her

[What are its GPS coordinates?]

 

EVRYN

It is a Mary Sue haven. It defies logic and GPS.

 

EPIPHANY sulks, puts phone away

 

EPIPHANY

[Dammit.]

 

OVD

Epiphany, you may not call in air strikes on your fellow castmates' Mary Sue havens.

 

EPIPHANY

[ I never said I was gonna call in an air strike!]

 

OVD

The guy you were about to text is a Major at the nearest Air Force base.

 

EPIPHANY

[ I could totally have been texting him for a completely innocent reason.]

 

OVD

Were you?

 

EPIPHANY

[No.]

 

LENA

Dude, he'd lose his job.

 

SIGYN

Not if he didn't get caught~

 

OVD

... Please don't encourage her.

 

SIGYN

Funny, people usually say that about me, not to me. This is a refreshing change.

 

AKUMA

Here, I will be away from the dangers of the world for at least a little while.

 

EVRYN

We hate you, OVD. So much.

 

EPIPHANY

[So very much]

 

AKUMA

Six months—

 

EVRYN

SO VERY, VERY MUCH.

 

EPIPHANY

[Six months will never be long enough for her to go away for.]

 

AKUMA

— if I am going to be honest with you.

 

EVRYN

You're never honest with anyone ever.

 

EPIPHANY

[Taking bets that her lying ass will manage to get into peril there anyway]

 

EVRYN

Five bucks for under two weeks.

 

AHRRY

Heehaw.

 

AKUMA

I'll be sure to tell our sons Illybrius and Maheone all about you. Caleb can take care of Corri and Orion will take care of you.

 

EVRYN

I'd like to volunteer to "take care of" Caleb, Corri, Onion, and Aksuema.

 

OVD

Evryn, you may not volunteer to assassinate your fellow castmates.

 

EVRYN

SO VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH!

 

EPIPHANY starts to get phone out

 

OVD

Epiphany, you may not arrange for a guy you know to assassinate your fellow castmates.

 

EPIPHANY

[What if it's a gal I know?]

 

OVD

No.

 

EPIPHANY

[... Non-binary pal?]

 

OVD

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY FORBIDDING!

 

EPIPHANY

[So very, very, very, very much!]

 

OVD

Once their contracts run out, you can flip a coin to see who gets to kill them all.

 

EPIPHANY and EVRYN exchange glance

Deal.

 

AKUMA

Write me when you feel like it.

 

EPIPHANY

[Why would anyone ever want to write to y]

 

EPIPHANY

Ooooh. Idea.

 

OVD

Epiphany, you may not send your fellow castmates letterbombs.

 

EPIPHANY

DAMMIT!

 

EVRYN takes out a piece of paper

Dear Aksuema, Please go die in a fire. Sincerely, Evryn.

 

EVRYN folds the note into paper airplane, chucks at Akuma

 

OVD

You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, "You may, however, send your fellow castmates debilitating computer viruses through email."

 

EPIPHANY pumps fist

YUCK FEAH!

 

AKUMA

I left—gave— the halberd to Orion. He deserves it.

 

EPIPHANY

[Deserves it five inches deep in his eye]

 

AKUMA

I wish you much happiness, Kibito.

 

EVRYN poses

Tree?

 

EPIPHANY

[ If a tree person falls on Akuma's head in the forest, crushing her skull, and no-one is around to hear it, does anyone care?]

 

EVRYN

Dunno. If an idiot falls out of a chair and there's no one around who cares, does it make a sound?

Let's find out.

 

EVRYN pushes Akuma out of a chair.

 

AKUMA

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, THAT WAS SO MEAN!

 

EPIPHANY grins

[ I didn't hear anything.]

 

EVRYN

I think I'm about to hear the sound of one hand slapping.

 

EVRYN holds up hand to slap Akuma

 

OVD

Just let her finish her lines. I want this episode to END!

 

SIGYN

Yeah, guys, stop bullying the outcast.

 

LENA

Tokiomi, can I have a card?

 

TOKIOMI

Yeah, here, it's the category "Beat them to the punch".

 

AKUMA

For now and always. Forever in love, life, and death. Akumano Torina Enzeru, Black Tiger Clan of the New Moon

 

EPIPHANY

[That's possibly the stupidest way to sign a letter I have seen in a long, long time.]

 

EVRYN

Can I hit her now?

 

OVD

Will it get everyone off the set? I want to go home!

 

EVRYN slaps Akuma, runs offstage

 

[exit EVRYN]

 

AKUMA

GET BACK HERE, YOU BITCH!

 

SERLEINA

ARF!

 

[exit AKUMA]

 

EPIPHANY, being carried by Serleina

Wurn the beeaboo!

 

[exit EPIPHANY and SERLEINA]

 

OVD

I'll take that as a "yes."

 

SIGYN

I feel distinctly ignored.

 

DREPANON

Aren't you used to that by now?

 

CINNAMON

That reminds me! Shouldn't we have "Ham-fisted Callout Posts" somewhere on the Plot Board?

 

SIGYN

OH YEAH, we have a Plot Board!

 

TOKIOMI

... That's another one.

 

TOKIOMI marks card

 

LENA

Why's that?

 

TOKIOMI

... She has an EXTREMELY good memory.

 

OVD

Oh... oh, no...

 

TOKIOMI

What?

 

OVD

I can't say.